


A househusband

by pomidor



Category: GOT7
Genre: An Imbalanced relationship, Im Jaebum | JB-Centric, Jinyoung is a sugar daddy but not, M/M, Open Relationships, Polyamory, ppl being weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:49:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 76,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27049729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomidor/pseuds/pomidor
Summary: “It’s nice to meet you. What brings you to freeze on the bench on this wonderful evening?”Great, a guy who was probably planning to dismember him gruesomely had a sense of humor and a cute smile. Just what he needed.“I happen to like freezing on random benches. It has nothing to do at all with being homeless and without money.”Jinyoung looked at him strangely, as if weighing his next words.“Listen, don’t get scared-““A great beginning.”“I happen to be in a need of … a house-keeper, so to speak.”Jaebum laughed.“I know we just met and it sounds suspicious. But you seem to be in dire need of a job and a place to sleep, and I thought you looked interesting. Forgive me my presumptuousness.”
Relationships: GOT7 Ensemble/GOT7 Ensemble, Im Jaebum | JB/Everyone, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Park Jinyoung (GOT7)/Everyone
Comments: 148
Kudos: 229





	1. Prologue

Jaebum couldn’t quite believe anyone would want to approach him in this state. It was the third night he slept in this park, changing benches anytime the police told him to leave, or a suspicious-looking person tried to approach him. It was ironic, that he was still afraid of roaming bums, even though he was now, in fact, an unemployed homeless nobody.

“Are you all right, sir?” the man repeated and Jaebum stared at him dumbly.

It was a young man, good-looking too, elegant and straight-backed. Jaebum could tell with one glance that he was rich: by the suit he wore, the coat and scarf of fine fabric, his watch, even by the faint smell of his perfume or cologne. If Jaebum knew how, he would mug the guy, people like this should know better than to talk to lowlifes like him.

“Great,” Jaebum answered roughly and the man opened his lips as if he was surprised by his ability to speak.

“You’re trembling,” the man said.

He would have smiled at this king of obvious sentences if he wasn’t quite so miserable. Of course, he was trembling, it was November and he was sleeping in a jumper. The debt collectors took anything of any value from him, and that apparently included most of his clothes, and with them his winter coat.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, his teeth chattering.

Today it was colder than before, but he would survive. He ate something at least, someone had left uneaten fries at one of the park tables. He wasn’t sure it was worth it to live, but then, dying of hypothermia did sound bleak and painful.

He wasn’t sure what the stranger wanted, still hovering there beside his bench until he started taking off his coat.

“No, please –“ Jaebum started in a broken voice.

Realizing that the peculiar look on the man’s face was pity made him feel so much worse about the whole situation. He couldn’t even look as the man outstretched the hand with the coat, Jaebum’s eyes welling up with tears. That, at least, scared the guy away, though he left the coat on the bench, and Jaebum wrapped himself in it, resigned now to his fate of accepting charity when no one was looking.

He had never been well off, but his father was not exactly poor. He was annoying and cruel in many ways, but Jaebum had been fed, clothed, had all he needed really. He didn’t realize what a blessing it was to just have things given to you until he left home at the age of nineteen, entering the helix of the adult world when all he earned in his menial jobs was spent on food and bills. He thought he was poor then, but apparently, there was never a point in which one couldn’t get worse. The news of his father’s death had reached him late, before he could even try to reject the debts in court everything had been taken from him. Trying to argue only made those asshole bureaucrats meaner. If he had known it would end up like this, he wouldn’t have shouted at his boss, even though he was downright aggressive towards his workers. It turned out it was really hard to find any kind of job when you had no address, bank account, nothing really. Jaebum didn’t exist, they were all just waiting until he died.

He let himself sob over it now, not that he didn’t cry every night. He was too lost to know what to do, where to go. He had no close family nor friends, and he was too embarrassed to ask vague acquaintances from the various jobs he had done to let him crash at their place. Jumping off a bridge and ending it was sounding better with every passing minute.

“Sir?” the familiar voice startled Jaebum again.

This guy really had something wrong with his head. He stood there in his suit, two styrofoam cups of steaming liquid in his hands, one extended again towards Jaebum, who tried to blink away the tears to see this strange man better.

“Would you mind? It’s kind of burning my fingers.”

Jaebum reached and took the cup away from him, thinking that now he would go away, but the man sat there beside him on the bench, as if that was a perfectly normal thing to do.

Jaebum wanted to ask if he added something in, but in the end, what difference did it make? So he just took a sip, burning his tongue.

“Tea calms me down,” the stranger said in a conversational manner, “I thought you might need that.”

Jaebum chuckled, though it came out more like a sob. How did he catch the eye of the most talkative probable murder-slash-rapist?

“My name is Park Jinyoung.”

Jaebum tried to throw him his most disbelieving look, but he failed because ‘Park Jinyoung’ seemed to wait for his answer.

“Lim Jaebum.”

“It’s nice to meet you. What brings you to freeze on the bench on this wonderful evening?”

Great, a guy who was probably planning to dismember him gruesomely had a sense of humor and a cute smile. Just what he needed.

“I happen to like freezing on random benches. It has nothing to do at all with being homeless and without money.”

Jinyoung looked at him strangely, as if weighing his next words.

“Listen, don’t get scared-“

“A great beginning.”

“I happen to be in a need of … a house-keeper, so to speak.”

Jaebum laughed.

“I know we just met and it sounds suspicious. But you seem to be in dire need of a job and a place to sleep, and I thought you looked interesting. Forgive me my presumptuousness.”

Jaebum was aware that the only people not scared of letting a random guy into their house were people with bad intentions. It was impossible to ascertain if this guy was more on the psychopathic murderer side, or if Jaebum was somehow lucky enough to accidentally meet some sugar daddy, but he doubted it. In the best case scenario, the guy would fuck him and not do anything else, just toss him out after he was done.

Jaebum threw a coin in his mind, and a moment later he was getting into this guy’s expensive car, almost falling asleep on the plush seats. He answered Jinyoung’s questions with curt words, but Jinyoung was surprisingly uninterested about how Jaebum ended up homeless, and mostly wanted to know the basics like his age. He even asked him about his previous job experience, about his cooking and cleaning skills, as if they were having a job interview.

When they got to the loft, Jaebum was star struck by how huge and modern it looked. It had to be more expensive than all the places he lived in from his birth thrown together.

He followed Jinyoung obediently, though he was ready to punch him if the situation called for it. He could possibly win in a fight.

Jinyoung showed him to a room with a bed, a desk, a coffee table, a bathroom. He said it would be Jaebum’s room and he nodded to that, Jinyoung’s fabrication was agreeable. He would like nothing more than to stay in this room, to cook and clean for this guy like some house-wife, but those were the nice dreams he was lured in here with. Didn’t mean he believed them.

But he threw himself on the bed, showered and in soft pajamas, Jinyoung nowhere in sight, and he fell asleep without a care in the world. At least he would die in a nice bed, and not freezing out there.

When he woke up, untouched and whole, he realized something was wrong here. And when he walked out on light feet, meeting Jinyoung by the table, a coffee, and a croissant laid out for him, he thought he was dreaming. But he sat down and let Jinyoung look at him through his glasses with a pleasant expression because it was a very lovely dream.


	2. The lovers

Jaebum was starting to think that more than a dream, he was in a coma, and his mind tried to distract him from the boredom of it with some bizarre imaginings that were somehow influenced by a secret yearning to be a house-wife in an old American movie. He didn’t think he had any deep-seated master-servant fetishes, but oh well, if the dream was nice. He certainly managed to imagine himself a very agreeable master.

In truth, Jaebum was quite sure Jinyoung had no actual need for a house-keeper. The loft was in a perfectly organized state, and from what Jaebum could tell from that first day on which Jinyoung actually cooked for him, saying he would start working from the next day, the man was capable in the kitchen as well. Even if he didn’t have the time, he was certainly affluent enough to just order food.

Jaebum had imagined he was some kind of billionaire old-money type, but Jinyoung straight-up laughed when he asked him about that. He explained he was an IT specialist, and it was true his parents were not poor, but he was certainly no prince or anything of the sort. He worked for one of the biggest cellphone companies, and his good background certainly helped him to reach a high position at such a young age, but he still had people he answered to, he wasn’t the owner or the boss. Half of the time he worked from his home-office, so Jaebum saw him most days, although he never went into the office if he was not called in there.

Jinyoung was a peculiar and organized person, and it made working for him a straight-forward task. He kept regular hours of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, everything in the house had its proper place, though he was thankfully not at the level of OCD that made him furious if Jaebum gave him dinner ten minutes later or left something in the wrong place. He patiently answered his questions, and pretty fast, Jaebum learned the arrangement of all the rooms and objects. Jaebum received a smartphone on his first day that had pretty much everything in it. An application allowed a person to write down all the dishes they liked in a calendar, and it just changed the order of it every month. Jinyoung had said he used it for a long time already because he didn’t like to wonder every day what he should eat, but if Jaebum wanted to do something different, he could, provided that he informed Jinyoung about it before. It took Jinyoung all of five minutes to enter all his dislikes and allergies into their shared cloud, he was the kind of person who just did things immediately without dilly-dallying. Jaebum assumed it was because of his work, he sometimes saw Jinyoung by his computer hitting the keys with maximum speed without looking at them when he brought him tea or coffee. So if Jinyoung was not at home, or if he was at the office and needed something, Jaebum just received alerts on his phone. When it came to tasks other than cooking and bringing Jinyoung stuff, Jaebum could organize them himself, Jinyoung simply told him how often he liked the rooms to be cleaned and the like. His modern appliances made it easy to do many tasks Jaebum had done manually his whole life, like washing dishes. He had never had a dish-washer before in any of his flats. A washing machine, he had had before, though once it had broken down, Jaebum couldn’t afford a new one, so he either washed his clothes by hand or went to a public one. The washing machine in Jinyoung’s house had loads of options, even a dryer, and Jaebum was embarrassed that he didn’t quite know how to use it. He had taken care of himself all his life, he could do these things, so, instead of asking like a normal human, he managed to destroy a whole collection of Jinyoung’s shirts by choosing the wrong setting.

He was resigned to being thrown out onto the street when he told Jinyoung about it after he returned from a meeting. Maybe he could at least keep the clothes he bought for himself with Jinyoung’s money, he specially found things that looked fine enough but were cheap second-hands, Jinyoung would have no use for clothes like that. He was shocked by Jinyoung’s lack of reaction. He just told him to find the shirts on the site of the company and exchange them for new ones, throwing those out, explained to him all the options on the washing machine and how to iron certain things, and requested that if Jaebum wasn’t sure about something, anything at all, he should ask him first, and in the case Jinyoung was unavailable, just wait if the task was not pressing.

It was strange that Jinyoung knew so much about normal day-to-day tasks, but at the same time, he lacked common-sense. After making sure Jaebum had a license, he just gave him the keys to one of his three cars so that Jaebum could go shopping for ingredients. Similarly, he just gave Jaebum access to one of his bank accounts, after knowing him for all of four days. Jaebum couldn’t believe Jinyoung didn’t realize he could just steal his car and sell it off, escape somewhere. Not that Jaebum would, he was pretty sure they would catch him right away, but Jinyoung couldn’t have known that.

It turned out, Jaebum really worked as some strange house-keeper slash assistant slash stereotypical-wife. Well, a wife that the husband didn’t really sleep with, but that fit his idea of a rich marriage. He had a theory that Jinyoung was actually just really lonely and wanted someone in the house to talk to at mealtimes, and it would be easier to throw someone he paid for it out when he got bored of them, easier than getting a divorce anyway.

Jinyoung wanted them to sit together at meals, which Jaebum could admit, made him warm inside. He never lived like this with anyone for longer periods, never had that atmosphere of sharing food with someone. At first, he was awkward with Jinyoung, he wasn’t sure what the man wanted him to talk about, but after a week, it became easier. Jinyoung talked about his job, or about the food, about anything at all, or he stayed quiet, but it turned into a sort of ritual. It was a time for Jaebum to get used to him the most, to get to know him, and he relished in it. He was curious about this strange man who he was now tied to.

After two weeks of remaining unmolested Jaebum was forced to allow the thought that he might not actually be here as some sort of sugar baby, or else Jinyoung had a really long game of drowsing his alertness. It wasn’t as if Jaebum wouldn’t allow him to fuck him, he wasn’t beyond sleeping with people for various reasons in the past, even just as a place to escape to from his dad when he was young. He was more afraid that Jinyoung was into some weird, kinky past-times, but for now, he had not been asked to walk outside with a vibrator up his ass or to kneel and give him a blow-job while he was making breakfast. Sex itself didn’t scare him that much, and Jinyoung was handsome, rich, nice. Really, not the worst person Jaebum could have been picked by. Jinyoung looked sort of like one of those actors in a drama, the dark-haired one who would get the girl at the end. He was classy in a way that was mirrored in everything from his straight-backed manly posture to his elegant but down-to-earth clothes. There was a simplicity and cleanness that made one think he didn’t need such things as flashy clothes, jewellery, rich colours to make him attractive. Jaebum remained captivated by his dimples, his round cheeks, his shapely mouth, intelligent eyes, the way he let his fringe fall on his forehead. He felt safe as an observer because Jinyoung made no moves. 

One thing Jinyoung said at the beginning made him suspicious. He had stated that the only thing he required, besides honesty, was for Jaebum not to judge him and remain open-minded. But now Jaebum started to think that, perhaps, Jinyoung just wasn’t into men. Maybe he wasn’t into anybody at all, and that made him want to have someone in the house, but he couldn’t find a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

All of his theories were shattered completely by the arrival of Mark. Honestly, Jinyoung could have warned him about that, and not let Mark introduce himself when Jaebum stared at him as he left Jinyoung’s bedroom that morning.

“Hi,” the man said with a wide smile, “you must be the reason Jinyoung had told me not to come over and went to my place instead recently. Jaebum, right?”

Jaebum nodded dumbly, taking the hand the man extended with a panicky swiftness.

“I’m Mark.”

“Hello?”

“He hasn’t told you I will be coming over, did he? You look pretty surprised.”

“Um, no, sorry. Are you –“

“I’m Jinyoung’s lover,” the man answered, amused by Jaebum’s reaction.

So Jinyoung _was_ gay. Well, the fact he had a lover actually explained why he hadn’t touched Jaebum. It was strange that his lover was alright with Jaebum being here, but maybe the smile was just for appearance's sake. Maybe he was already planning how to get rid of him.

“One of his lovers anyway,” Mark added and Jaebum stared at him without understanding.

That was the moment Jinyoung went out of the bedroom.

“Jaebum, sorry, I was meaning to write to you that we will have more people at breakfast,” he told him, motioning to Mark.

“It’s fine,” Jaebum answered weakly. There was more than enough pancakes for another person, that was not exactly his problem, but he returned to making the food, trying to process Mark’s words, while their guest went to the bathroom and Jinyoung started to make coffee, giving Jaebum the usual view of his nice posture and back in the loose sweats and a black t-shirt.

But he couldn’t quite pretend he forgot about it when they all sat down, so he decided to risk getting fired.

“So, how many lovers does Jinyoung …”

Mark bared his teeth when Jinyoung looked in his direction with indignation.

“You told him?” he asked in a raised tone.

“I can’t believe _you_ haven’t. Were you going to just let him learn it on his own?” Mark answered unashamed, stuffing himself with a pancake, “wow, those are great. I feel like I’m back in LA.”

“Thank you,” Jaebum answered and looked at Jinyoung inquiringly.

“I wanted to ease you into it,” Jinyoung answered with a guilty expression.

Jaebum snickered. Jinyoung had literally picked a homeless person and gave them a job and a home, and he was worried about his opinion.

“So, how many lovers?”

“With me, there’s five,” Mark answered, his eyes looking into Jaebum’s with a wicked expression, “I’m sure you will meet all of them soon enough, Jinyoung likes to bring us here. It was weird to meet up with him at my house.”

Mark was right, over the next month he had met all of Jinyoung’s five lovers and he was taken aback, not only by the fact that Jinyoung slept with five of them, or that they all knew and accepted it, but also that all of them were somehow extraordinary, not to mention very good-looking.

Mark was perhaps the most conventional one of the lot, except for the fact that he was raised in America, and was of Taiwanese descent, though one couldn’t tell from his perfect accent. But he wasn’t particularly rich in comparison with most of the others. He was a game-tester, a job Jinyoung helped him get. They knew each other from way back, attended university together, and there was an atmosphere of deep friendship between them, rather than that of lovers, which made Jaebum feel at ease in their presence.

Mark was the one from whom Jaebum learned the most, about Jinyoung and about the others. He started to believe that Jinyoung really was the sort of nice person he seemed, and it made him relax a bit.

He was more preoccupied with the others. At first, he was afraid they would get jealous, or possessive, though he quickly understood that none of the relationships Jinyoung had with these guys was of the regular kind. He was wary that their opinion of him would influence Jinyoung and result in him losing a place to sleep so he tried to be on good terms with them. With Mark and the first two, he didn’t have much problem, but the other two concerned him.

Jackson seemed to take a liking to him immediately, though he seemed a warm and extroverted type from the get-go. Jaebum was still in shock that he met Jackson fucking Wang from Hong Kong, one of the people that even Jaebum had heard about before, in his underwear in Jinyoung’s kitchen. Somehow, he always met them in the kitchen, but Jackson was the only one almost naked there, his sculpted body making Jaebum suspended between looking away and staring. For an owner of a large company, Jackson was very easy to get along with, very talkative and humorous. Jaebum was not worried about his opinion, because Jackson straight up told him he liked him. He was more anxious about the way Jackson’s rough voice made him feel, how the fact Jackson had no personal space got him used to the man suddenly touching him, the same way that he touched Jinyoung when they were in the kitchen, though he knew it was still far from the way they probably were in the bedroom. Instead of being worried Jackson would be jealous that Jinyoung had Jaebum in his house, he imagined what would happen if Jinyoung got jealous of Jackson, if he threw Jaebum out under suspicion of seducing his lover.

If Jackson was rough-voiced, Yugyeom was the exact opposite. The man had a sweet, nasal, almost girly sound, that didn’t quite suit his build, the height, and the width. He had a duality to his looks and behavior that made Jaebum awestruck. The youthful innocence warred with the way he could look through hooded eyes, with his one-sided smirk that showed his incisor. He was still a student, majoring in dance, another one of Jinyoung’s partners that was not unbelievably rich. Yugyeom called both of them ‘hyung’ in a cute voice, but the way he moved, it was not sweet. Compared to Jinyoung, who kept himself straight-backed and stiff, Yugyeom slouched his shoulders, his neck usually forward, his longs limbs sort of hanging at times. Jaebum wasn’t quite sure why he found that attractive, but it kind of made Yugyeom seem bulkier than he was. Jaebum wanted to slap himself for thinking that about the kid, then he reminded himself that it was not a kid but Jinyoung’s lover, and that way, surely not quite as gullible as his air at times suggested. And then he was even more confused, so he just tried to stop those thoughts.

Being vaguely attracted to Jinyoung’s partners was really not that surprising, because they were really too handsome not to feel that way towards, not to mention remarkable in other ways. As long as he did nothing about it, it wouldn’t be a problem. The last two lovers, they could become a dilemma, though it was still too early to make that assumption. Mark, Jackson, and Yugyeom seemed to be drawn in by his person from the beginning, but the fourth guy, Youngjae, showed no interest in him whatsoever. He was nice and unproblematic, but Jaebum felt his distance acutely. It was Jaebum who was completely fascinated by his person, and not even by his looks, because, while the man was certainly attractive, after Jinyoung, Mark, Jackson, Yugyeom, he became somehow accustomed to seeing blindingly pretty people every day.

Youngjae was an opera singer. It seemed abstract, but he really was, though Jaebum learned that from Mark, and Youngjae didn’t really talk to him about his work. Jaebum had never even seen an opera, but the idea of meeting someone that did that for a living, it held a charm Jaebum couldn’t explain. Although another thing that drew his attention was Youngjae’s temperament, an introvert that was outwardly amiable but seemed to live in his own thoughts. It reminded Jaebum of himself in a way, and it also gave him a sensation that Youngjae was an old soul. He was mysterious in a very appealing manner, difficult to know.

But the last guy, that was the epitome of mysteriousness. Jaebum had no idea what he thought about him.

Whenever there was a morning he was to meet one of them, he saw that Jinyoung changed the breakfast in the calendar, and he realized he was choosing the favourites of his lovers, and Jaebum was thankful for that, as it made them warm up to him. Yugyeom had enjoyed a big serving of rice with galbi, spicy seafood salad, stewed fish, and radish strip kimchi. Jackson ate his vegetable omelet on rice with gusto. Even Youngjae complimented him on his lotus pork rib soup. But when Bambam came to the apartment, the plan for the breakfast reminded unchanged.

Jaebum knew Bambam was Thai and that his family owned a chain of restaurants from Mark. He wasn’t sure if he was as rich as Jackson, but he was definitely up there. Jinyoung had also, uncharacteristically, warned him about Bambam’s arrival. Jaebum had thought he was prepared.

The moment he saw the guy who was a definition of ‘young and rich’ he was left without words. He never saw anyone looking like that outside of an MV or a movie. He could see that he was a foreigner right away, and his skin also seemed starkly tan, clashing with his white, dyed hair. His clothes, his jewellery, everything from top to bottom just screamed money. And his face, it was the most peculiar one Jaebum ever saw. He kept his chin raised proudly, and he didn’t smile, which should give him an outright intimidating appearance. It was destroyed somehow by the poutiest lips Jaebum could imagine, but then he had sharp brows and burning, attentive eyes. Jaebum realized he didn’t even greet him and he tried to make up for that hurriedly.

“Ah, I’m –“

“I know who you are,” Bambam answered in a tone that was outright rude, “I just came to tell you that Jinyoung asked for breakfast in bed,” he paused, “hyung.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to stand up to tell me that, Jinyoung could have used his phone –“

“I’m going out anyway,” Bambam cut in.

“Aren’t you going to stay for breakfast?”

“No,” he answered curtly and after a quick goodbye he was gone, leaving Jaebum feeling very uneasy.

He couldn’t believe he became the kind of person that got mad at people when they refused to eat something he made. He felt like a grandmother.

There was nothing else to do besides bringing Jinyoung his eggs and bacon, and so Jaebum did that, trying to rain in the fuming. He was afraid the room would smell of sex, but the window was wide open, and it was freezing inside.

Jinyoung didn’t feel that, because Jinyoung actually liked the cold. He called it ‘freshness’. Jaebum didn’t have the confidence to tell him to try sleeping on a bench then, because that would be a malicious thing to say to someone who had saved him from said bench. Which didn’t mean he didn’t consider Jinyoung abnormal for liking low temperatures.

He was about to leave the room after Jinyoung thanked him for the breakfast, but his employer stopped him.

“I was thinking about watching a movie,” Jinyoung told him, “would you like to join me?” he patted the bed beside himself.

A thought about Jinyoung sleeping with people, sleeping with that handsome-but-mean guy in those sheets passed his mind. Then he realized he was the one who loaded those sheets into the washing machine, who changed them into new ones. Being coy about this was useless.

Jinyoung’s bed was gigantic anyway, so they could sit some distance from each other. For most of the movie he managed to stay focused, but by the end, his thoughts were in disarray.

“Jinyoung, it’s not that I’m judging –“

“A great start,” Jinyoung answered with an amused smile.

“- isn’t it difficult? How is it that all those guys just accept it?”

“I tend to only go out with people who don’t think of it as a problem. If someone starts to find it difficult, they are free to walk away. I’m not keeping anyone in the dark.”

“But why? Why don’t you just stay with one –“

“Because I love them,” Jinyoung cut in, his expression sincere, “once I fall in love, it’s very hard for me to fall out of it.”

“People often say that when someone is cheating that meant they didn’t love the first person anyway.”

“I’m not cheating,” his voice turned harsher, “and I have no interest in what the general public thinks. I’m not going to miss out on life because of some arbitrary rules on propriety.”

“I didn’t want to anger you.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I tend to get defensive about this.”

Jaebum nodded. This was harmless actually, he didn’t think Jinyoung was immoral for doing this. It was just different. The thought of living like this never crossed Jaebum’s mind, it wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

“Normal people gave you a hell of a time about it, I imagine,” he said.

“Normal people are boring,” Jinyoung said looking into his eyes, “I don’t waste time on them.”

Jaebum wasn’t sure if that was a compliment. He certainly wasn’t a typical person, but neither was he one of Jinyoung’s lovers, so he didn’t know if he was included in the sentence.


	3. Cats and kittens

Jaebum was wary of Jinyoung leaving him alone for a week to go to China on business. It has been only three months of him living here, but he already felt at home, and he had worked up a certain routine that made him feel at ease. Without Jinyoung it would be disrupted. He didn’t know how to enjoy this week of holiday.

Previously, he used his weekends and holidays to get more sleep or watch some movie or series on his shitty computer. Occasionally, he went out for drinks with some colleagues. He didn’t really want to meet up with anyone he knew before, so he opted for staying at the apartment, and he made himself into a blanket-burrito on the couch in the living room, turned on the gigantic TV there, and chose some series on Netflix. He didn’t really feel like cooking for one person, even though he had always made his own food because it was cheaper. But he concluded that he could still use some of the money he earned, while he tried to save most of it for the moment Jinyoung threw him out, a pizza wouldn’t make that much of a change.

He spent a whole day like that because that damn application just turned on a new episode by itself, it was impossible to stop. He binged all of it, his eyes hurt, and he didn’t even shower before he went to sleep. When he woke up in the morning, he was still wondering about that shower, but he received a message from Mark asking if he could come over for lunch. After Jaebum informed him Jinyoung was away, Mark answered he knew and that wasn’t the point, so Jaebum did have to wash himself and wear something else than his pajamas. Mark wasn’t the type to dress up particularity stylishly most of the time Jaebum saw him, but he didn’t want to look like a slob, so he tried to dress up half-nicely.

He was glad he did that because for some reason Mark had brought Yugyeom with him, and Yugyeom always dressed up well. Jaebum was aware they all knew each other, Mark was the one who had told him about all the lovers, but he had never before seen two of them in the same space in the same moment. What was more bizarre was that Jinyoung wasn’t even _here_. Why would they come?

But he was glad, ashamedly so, for their company. Even though he had lived alone for a lot of his life, he felt a bit lonely now, a bit adrift without Jinyoung. Even when they didn’t talk with each other, even when Jinyoung was busy and closed in his office, the apartment still wasn’t completely empty.

And he liked to make food for others. Cooking for himself was never fun, eating alone felt like an obligation rather than a pleasure. These guys, they looked like they enjoyed the pasta he made, even though it was just a simple dish.

That made him think about the one lover who had still not tasted his food, with a wave of strange indignation he always felt at the thought of the man.

“You know Bambam, right?”

“Of course, Bambam’s my best friend,” Yugyeom answered, his portion already devoured.

Jaebum raised his eye-brows. Why was Yugyeom sleeping with the same person as his best friend? No, that was not the actually important point in this. The goal here was to learn why Bambam seemed to dislike him so much, and why he wouldn’t eat his food.

“What does he like to eat?”

Yugyeom and Mark laughed at him.

“That’s your most pressing question about Bambam, hyung? What he likes to eat?” Yugyeom couldn’t contain his amusement, “not ‘why is he so weird?’ or ‘what does he think about me?”

“He’s the only one who refused my cooking,” Jaebum said obstinately.

“Well, Bambam actually likes most foods, particularly anything spicy.”

“I can cook spicy things.”

Mark snickered. They both seemed far too entertained at this.

“You won’t win Bambam over with food,” Yugyeom told him.

Jaebum fell heavily against the chair. What else could he do besides cook for him? It wasn’t like Bambam ever gave him a chance to get to know by way of conversation.

“You know, I think I can help you,” Yugyeom answered, his smirk suspicious, “Bambam is actually back in Thailand right now. Do you like cats?”

“I love cats.”

“Great! Bambam asked me to look after his cats while he’s away. I will text him that I can’t and that you offered to take over. You’ll just have to go there once a day to feed them and clean their litter boxes.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“I can show you to his house tomorrow if you pick me up for university at eight. Give me your number, I’ll text you the addresses.”

Jaebum acquiesced. Now, besides Mark’s and Jackson’s contact information, he would also have Yugyeom’s. His list was apparently growing.

Mark had come over with a game that they could all play, and he went about plugging the set that was in the apartment, completely at ease in this space.

“So taking care of Bambam’s cats will make him warm up to me?”

“We can’t be certain, but it could help. Anyway, we won’t know until he takes you shopping.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry. He always does that. He likes buying stuff.”

“But I can’t let him thrown his money away on me,” Jaebum said stubbornly. It was different with Jinyoung, he was theoretically employed by him, even though he didn’t always feel like what he did deserved what he got in return.

“It’s not like that,” Yugyeom answered, “that TV?” he motioned to the screen in the living room, “Bambam bought it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s not like you think, it’s not charity. I think Bambam just finds it hard to say nice things, so he buys presents instead. He probably thinks it’s more practical. If you want to get closer to him, it would be better not to reject it.”

“Why do you even want to get along with Bambam?” Mark asked from the carpet.

Jaebum didn’t know, but he couldn’t bear Bambam ignoring him. Maybe he just wanted to be liked by the people Jinyoung loved, maybe it was a survival instinct. Either way, he would make Bambam accept his food, he was determined about that.

Even though he lost about a thousand of times to Mark in the game, and he had to pick up all the popcorn that they managed to fight with when they got a little too excited trying to beat each other, he had more fun than he ever thought he would have. He wanted to thank Mark for that when he was getting out.

“In all honesty, Jinyoung told me you’re alone, and I wanted to check how you’re doing. But it’s not like he asked me to come over, don’t think that –“

“It’s fine, Mark. Thank you again, I had fun.”

“Anytime,” Mark answered with a brilliant smile, “I know that all of this might be confusing for you, but we can be friends, right?”

Jaebum felt warmer.

“Of course.”

“Hyung, why are you standing there?” Yugyeom called from further in the corridor and Mark disappeared with a quick wave. 

Jaebum decided to message Jinyoung, just to ask about his day. If Jinyoung found him annoying, he could always not answer. But more than answer, Jinyoung actually called him back, and his voice soothed Jaebum. Jinyoung was telling him how boring his meeting was, what book he was reading, and it felt like their talks at mealtime.

The next morning, he woke up early to go pick up Yugyeom, who showed him to Bambam’s house. It was the kind of house that suited the man, a modern structure that was half glass on the side that faced a big garden. It was inside a city but surrounded by green. Jaebum loved it.

But more than the house itself, he was taken in by the cats. There were four, and two didn’t even want to see him, hid away until they heard Yugyeom filling their bowls. But the furry white beauty immediately wanted to make friends with him, and he took her into his arms, her little nose moving while she sniffed at his face, and he bumped his nose against her.

He heard Yugyeom chuckle.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just super cute.”

“I’m not cute,” Jaebum answered gruffly.

“Of course, hyung,” Yugyeom replied with a sweet tone, “I was talking about the cat.”

Jaebum didn’t believe him, but he let it go. They had to go on their way if Yugyeom was to reach the university in time.

After he returned to Jinyoung’s apartment, he looked at the couch but decided against binge-watching. Instead, he went into the room that was practically a library. He had been fascinated by this room from the beginning and was spooked the first time Jinyoung saw him covertly opening the books while he was cleaning. Of course, Jinyoung didn’t actually mind him reading the books, and so Jaebum went on the search of one particular novel, the first part of the series Jinyoung was reading right now; ‘His Dark Materials.’ The writing style was easy and immersing, and Jaebum found he had scarcely moved from the comfortable seat of the library, and he was halfway in. He wanted to keep going, but he forced himself to make some dinner and go to sleep. He took the book with himself the next morning, and he sat in Bambam’s nest-like hanging chair, the cats observing him curiously for most of the day.

Mark and Yugyeom kept in contact with him, but one person he did not anticipate to see that week was Youngjae. He definitely didn’t expect to spot a shadow in the corner of his eye while he was cleaning the bathtub, causing him to drop the showerhead and drench himself in the water. Even worse, he had on ‘Can’t forget’ on full volume and he was singing along to it way louder than he would if Jinyoung was in the apartment. Not only did an actual singer hear him embarrass himself, he also just had to hear him sing such a cheesy song.

It made him feel only a little better that Youngjae had a cap on unwashed hair, glasses that made him look a bit chubbier, and was dresses like some uncle, which made him look incredibly human compared to all the times Jaebum saw him clad more elegantly and with his hair arranged. Youngjae still stared at his dripping form, but at least he seemed more focused on Jaebum than he ever was before.

“Hi! How did you get here?” Jaebum asked, snatching up a towel for his wet hair.

“I have a key,” Youngjae answered, “I rang the doorbell, but you probably didn’t hear.”

Did they all have the key?

“Jinyoung isn’t here, did you need something?”

“I know he’s not here, I just left something in his room. Sorry, I didn’t warn you, I don’t have your number, and I didn’t know before-hand that I will be passing by here.”

“Oh sure, you can take what you need,” he closed the bathroom door behind himself to walk with Youngjae, “would you like something to eat?”

“No, thank you. I’m actually going to eat with someone.”

“Sure,” Jaebum answered. He didn’t really plan to cook anything today, and order take-out instead, so that worked in his favour.

Youngjae took a notebook that was on Jinyoung’s bedside table and made his way out, but he stopped right before the door and turned to Jaebum with a completely new expression on his face.

“Would you like to see me perform?” he asked and Jaebum opened his lips in surprise.

“Ah, of course, though I don’t know anything about –“

“I would like you to hear me sing,” Youngjae assured looking straight into his eyes.

“Okay, then,” Jaebum answered with a smile.

“I have a performance in two weeks. I will tell them to let you in as my guest.”

“I can pay for the ticket,” Jaebum told him quickly.

“I’m inviting you,” Youngjae said as if that option was out of the question.

This was the strangest conversation he had with Youngjae as of yet, but he was glad the man seemed to get more interested in him. He didn’t want to ask the others about Youngjae, he wanted to discover what it was about him that fascinated him so much on his own.

On Friday, the cats were already used to him and they walked all over him when he laid down on the carpet, staring at the ceiling. He took the white beauty up to gaze into her enthralling blue eyes.

“How wonderful it must be to be a cat,” he told her and she seemed to agree, “you can do nothing all day, and you don’t have to think about anything. People love you just for being there. I envy you.”

She mewled in answer and he let her down so that she could snuggle into his chest.

Jinyoung returned that evening. Jaebum had to busy himself with cleaning the already tidy loft to stand the anticipation. When Jinyoung arrived he smiled at Jaebum softly, happily, but Jaebum wasn’t satisfied with that.

Jinyoung kept this physical barrier between the two of them, probably not to scare Jaebum away. It was time to tear it down.

Jaebum reached for Jinyoung’s hand and raised it up, put it on the side of his face, in his hair, and nuzzled into his palm a little. He felt a tremor go through Jinyoung at that and Jaebum looked through half-closed eyes at him. Cats did that and they received affection.

He could be Jinyoung’s pet. That seemed nice and easy enough.

He saw Jinyoung swallow heavily and he grinned, satisfied as Jinyoung brought him closer, embraced him, rested his head on the smooth sweater covering Jaebum’s shoulder. It was a cautious embrace, but it was nice, warm.

“Welcome back,” he told him in a quiet tone and he could feel Jinyoung’s hand closing into a fist in the sweater.

Bambam really did take Jaebum shopping when he returned from Thailand. And thus, Jaebum ended in a changing room, with way too many clothes that were way too expensive. When he wanted to delicately say something against that, Bambam misunderstood and told him that ‘the grunge aesthetic was fine, but he could try something else from time to time.’

He was on the fifth shirt when Bambam suddenly went in behind the curtain, carrying even more clothes in. He really did seem to love shopping, Jaebum had never felt such excitement from him.

But when Bambam deposited the clothes in the quickly disappearing space, he didn’t leave and stared down at Jaebum’s naked chest.

“I will go out in a moment,” he told the man. If he was getting impatient, he shouldn’t have made him try on so many clothes.

Bambam raised his brow as if Jaebum was an idiot.

The fact was, Jaebum was not naïve, but he could keep up pretenses. He knew what would happen the moment Bambam started approaching him, and he opened his lips when Bambam leaned in, let the man get a taste of him.

Bambam wasn’t as aggressive as his glares would suggest, but he had Jaebum worked up with the way his hand held him roughly by his arm. Jaebum took a step forward as their tongues slid against each other, forced Bambam back against the clothes, and felt the man smirk against him.

“I knew you’re like that too,” he said in a low tone, “Jinyoung sure knows how to choose us.”

Jaebum moved back, staring at Bambam’s smug expression.

“Like what?”

“Perpetual hunger for life’, I think, is what Jinyoung calls it.”

“I’m not –“

“You will never be at peace. You will never be satisfied. You will always want more.”

Jaebum moved back further.

“I’m happy at Jinyoung’s house.”

Bambam huffed, his eyes diverted.

“There is nothing I hate more than fakeness,” he said, pushing himself from the wall and coming nearer, “don’t pretend you’re some gentle kitten. Don’t put yourself into a narrative where you’re just a pretty-faced stray Jinyoung picked up.”

Jaebum glared at him. He _was_ exactly that.

“It’s a nice play, and Jinyoung’s kindness is a very pleasant leash,” Bambam said, his finger dragging Jaebum’s lower lip, “don’t forget yourself. We have tongues to taste and hands to reach.”

Rich boys like Bambam could certainly take whatever they wanted, but he was not like that. He pushed Bambam’s hand away.

“I will do what I want,” he answered lowly.

He wasn’t going to be influenced by this guy who knew nothing about him.

“Good,” Bambam answered with odd contentment, “this will be interesting to watch.”

Jaebum was still thrown out of balance when Bambam’s sports car stopped before the building of Jinyoung’s apartment, and Jaebum, with all the bags of clothes he had half a mind not to accept, was let out of it.

Bambam looked up through the opened window.

“See you later, hyung.”

“Wait!” Jaebum exclaimed.

This was stupid. He didn’t know why he was so fixated on it.

“Will you eat breakfast next time?” he decided to just ask, resigned.

“I don’t eat breakfast, I’m queasy in the mornings.”

Jaebum hung his shoulders. Another loss.

“I could eat dinner though.”

Jaebum couldn’t stop himself, he smiled with joy.

“You’re really weird, hyung,” Bambam informed him with a goodbye, his window going up and his vehicle shooting off from the car park.

That was something to hear from a person that just randomly bought stuff for his friends. Or people he was associated with, he didn’t think they were friends.

Nevertheless, Bambam did come to dinner the next time he and Jinyoung met up. He even complimented Jaebum for the dish. When they were finished, and Jaebum took the plates to the kitchen, Bambam went with him to help and suddenly, he stood very close.

“Don’t move,” he told Jaebum, even though he already stood there stiffly, especially when he saw Jinyoung enter the space in the corner of his eye. Bambam’s hands went around his neck, clasping a necklace there, his full lips way too near to Jaebum’s face, and he, unfortunately, remembered how they felt.

When Bambam stepped back, Jaebum looked at the necklace. It was a simple long one, with a cross pendant, probably silver. He had no idea how much it might cost but that was Bambam’s problem.

“It suits you,” Bambam told him with a self-satisfied expression, and Jaebum felt his blood boil.

He always had a feeling Bambam was fighting with him, even when he was nice. So Jaebum turned to Jinyoung on his side, holding the pendant up.

“What do you think?” he asked, with a small smile.

“Pretty,” Jinyoung answered, his eyes going from the necklace to his face.

Bambam showed his teeth in a smile that followed Jaebum looking self-contentedly in his direction. He approached Jinyoung slowly, with clear intent. Jaebum shouldn’t really be shocked to see Bambam lean over to kiss him, but something went through him at the sight, and he wanted to look away, but he also felt strangely compelled not to let Bambam make him feel uncomfortable.

They all usually kept some kind of decorum around him. Jackson kissed Jinyoung often, but they were only pecks. He saw Youngjae do it before, as a goodbye, but it was not like this. Bambam was really kissing him, and he saw Jinyoung answer him with some hesitation.

This fell into the category of ‘too complicated to think about’ in his mind, not only because it was Jinyoung, but also because Bambam had kissed Jaebum, two days ago. He didn’t understand what he experienced exactly seeing them, but he felt as he was somehow a part of this, inside and outside at the same time, and his heart was beating too fast, so he decided to leave the kitchen, raising his hand in goodbye to placate Jinyoung when he looked at him. 


	4. Il canto di Orfeo

Jaebum was becoming used to the fact that Jinyoung’s apartment was not as calm a place as he used to think at the beginning. While Jinyoung himself was a pretty organized person, his lovers certainly weren’t, and they liked to drop in unannounced. In the beginning, they did it rarely, Jaebum supposed Jinyoung must have told them not to do it when he first took him in. But now they seemed to have grown used to his presence, and he often had uninvited guests at mealtimes. He didn’t mind really, they were all interesting in their own ways and he liked their company, and most of them repaid it.

They seemed to know Jinyoung’s schedule pretty well, but it was predictable that they didn’t know each other’s plans, and sometimes they run into each other. He was pretty sure Mark and Jackson were lovers themselves, though it was hard to say with Jackson, who was possibly the flirtiest, clingiest, and most extroverted person he had had a pleasure to meet. He could be extraordinarily touchy-feely even towards Jaebum now, he even kissed him on the cheek once. Yugyeom too, didn’t hesitate with personal space, and it seemed no problem to him to just suddenly move Jaebum out of the way if he wanted to pass, but Yugyeom was also like that with Mark and Jackson, and Bambam. Mark seemed to be friends with everybody, even with Youngjae, although Jaebum had yet to see Youngjae in a room with another one of them. Anyway, he felt that the relationships between all of them created a complicated net, that he didn’t yet have the insight to unravel.

They could really surprise him with it too. He still remembered with delight how he had opened the door to Bambam, who only had his usual haughty expression for a moment, quickly changing to dread when he heard the voices for within.

“Fuck, is Jackson here?” he asked, visibly unnerved.

Jaebum was about to affirm when he heard quickly approaching steps.

“Bammie!” Jackson shouted with joy.

Bambam stepped back, and for a second Jaebum was actually worried for him. Though he made no move to stop Jackson from pulling Bambam into his arms and lifting the taller, skinnier man up into the air a bit, to which Bambam reacted with an unhappy proclamation of Jackson’s name.

He looked inquisitively at Jinyoung, who came into the corridor and observed them with an amused smile.

“When Bambam was missing his country, he came to Jackson for comfort,” Jinyoung explained looking affectionally at the wrestling that happened on his threshold, “Jackson knows what it’s like to live abroad.”

Jaebum understood now. For someone like Bambam, who kept up such a front of being unbothered, showing someone his vulnerable side must have been like giving them power over him. God knew how much power Jinyoung had over Jaebum, meeting him at his lowest.

But he felt gleeful over this embarrassment of Bambam because the other often tried to make him uncomfortable. And watching how Jackson treated him, with no distance or deference whatsoever, was a feast for the eyes.

He often got to observe these points at which the people that Jinyoung loved met, the connections between them. It was quite hard for him to understand how they could feel no jealousy over each other, it was fascinating that Jinyoung could keep all these guys under his spell, be the center of this web.

Because of those random visits, he was always prepared with more food, so when Jinyoung sent him a message asking if they would have enough dinner for more people, he thought he meant one of them. But the voices he heard from the hall were female, and he stopped his cooking, spooked.

Jinyoung, thankfully, went to the kitchen alone, and Jaebum had no time to react, before Jinyoung laid a hand on his back and leaned in close, his voice a whisper.

“I’m sorry about this, but can you please pretend to be my boyfriend? My mother and sister are here.”

He looked into Jinyoung’s eyes without understanding, but he had no time to ask further questions because two elegant women entered the kitchen.

“Oh, I see we’re interrupting your cooking,” the older woman with gentle eyes said, “I was just so curious because Jinyoung never lived with any of his boyfriends before.”

Jaebum swallowed all the surprise and smiled at her.

“It’s very nice to meet you. My name is Lim Jaebum.”

It was a simple dish he made: shrimp with tagliatelle in butter, garlic, chili peppers, and some white wine, but the women seemed to like it. They were both very nice, both very elegant, but not in a way that made one feel below them. They were the kind of people Jaebum had scarcely had in his life, they seemed so sensible and pleasant. But some of their questions, he had problems answering.

“What do you do, Jaebum?” the sister asked. She wasn’t quite as gentle looking as her mother, more to the point, befitting a successful lawyer.

The dreaded question. Usually, he didn’t have to answer it, he met little people outside of the circle of Jinyoung’s partners, who knew he was employed by him, but he obviously couldn’t say Jinyoung was paying him for housework if he was to pretend to be his boyfriend.

He felt Jinyoung’s hand on top of his, squeezing lightly.

“I’m between jobs,” he answered squeezing back.

“Jaebum is a great cook, as you can see,” Jinyoung added.

“Oh, so you’re a cook?”

“Not by education,” he answered swallowing his wine heavily.

“Practice is more important than education, I always say,” Jinyoung’s mother said jubilantly.

He smiled and nodded. If by ‘practice’ she meant grilling in a fast food joint than sure, he had plenty of experience.

The hardest were the inquires about his family. Jinyoung tried to cut those off, quite harshly, but Jaebum didn’t like the stifled expression his mother did when he told her not to annoy Jaebum, so he told her he didn’t know his mother, and that his father died quite recently, without going into details. That made them pity him, but at least they didn’t try to go into the topic. At least, the pity made Jinyoung weave together their fingers to comfort him.

All in all, it was a nice evening, though he couldn’t help but act a bit stiff. It fitted the role of a boyfriend meeting the parents for the first time, he supposed. Halfway through, he almost forgot he was not actually Jinyoung’s partner. He was pretty used to being close to him, and it really didn’t make much difference. What made a real couple was actually very private, this show was easy.

But when Jinyoung’s mother was leaving and held his hands in hers tenderly, he felt the hollowness inside him. He could pretend it didn’t bother him when she was here, but the moment both of them left, he hung his shoulders and exhaled tiredly.

“I’m really sorry. They insisted on coming here and surprised me with it.”

“It’s fine,” he said, but his voice was cold, somehow. He didn’t want to sound like this to Jinyoung.

“It’s not part of your job here,” Jinyoung insisted, “thank you so much for helping me.”

Jaebum nodded and wanted to turn back to go to his room. He wanted to be gentle to Jinyoung, soft. This was the man that saved him, gave him a home, he didn’t deserve to deal with Jaebum’s changes of temper. But Jinyoung stopped him with a hand across his chest, not forceful, but tight enough to make him stop.

“I know you must think me a hypocrite.”

Jaebum looked into his eyes with confusion.

“I spoke so much about being free and how normalcy is boring. And yet I pretend before my family to be like this too.”

It dawned on Jaebum then, that he and Jinyoung were thinking about two different things. It didn’t cross his mind to reproach Jinyoung for lying to his family. He thought it a sensible decision.

“My parents are loving people, but they are traditional. They took the fact I was gay well. There is no shame in it, I know, but I can look through their eyes and know it is not completely understandable to them. But they accepted me. To break down to them how I live … I was afraid that would be too much. It is natural to me, but not so much for others. I can ignore strangers’ opinions, but for those so close to me – it was difficult. I had to cut this part of myself from them and had to move away to obtain the freedom of doing what I want. I keep pretenses, I know it is wrong of me.”

“That wasn’t what I was thinking,” Jaebum answered, his voice turning back to softness. Somehow, to see Jinyoung unsure about something, it made him more accepting of his own shortcoming, “I was just envious.”

Jinyoung looked at him and a flash of sadness and understanding passed his face.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t consider –“

“It’s alright. I know people have loving parents. I know people still have parents. It doesn’t stop me from being envious, but it’s not like it’s their fault that I didn’t,” Jaebum said, looking at him, “I understand why you keep pretenses. It’s not important. Just don’t let this be a thing that makes you separate from them completely,” Jaebum swallowed, “my father was not a loving man, and he was not good to me. And yet, it is hard to accept that he’s just gone from the world. There are times I wish I had kept in contact with him, at least called to check how he was. He lived his own tragedy, but as a child, I couldn’t see it,” his voice was becoming gloomier, but he couldn’t stop, now that Jinyoung seemed to wait with bated breath on his every word, “and more often there are times I just wish my mother didn’t leave. That my father wasn’t drowning and trying to sink me along. That I had a home.”

Jinyoung squeezed his jaw and started to pull Jaebum in his direction, and Jaebum ended up surrounded by his heat. It was more familiar to him now, this touch, and he reached his hands around Jinyoung to hug him back, snuggling into his shirt. Jinyoung’s hand went into his hair, held him against his shoulder.

“When I returned last time you said ‘welcome back,” Jinyoung stated, his fingers playing with the hair, “Is this not your home yet?”

Jaebum took a heavy breath. Then he let it go, and he let his body relax, put his weight on Jinyoung. He started to see why all the people Jinyoung loved were so taken with him, why they gravitated towards him, and came here so often. ‘Home’, how wonderful it sounded, how peaceful. 

***

“It will be fine, Jaebum. Stop pacing,” Jinyoung said, standing up from the couch to stop him in his tracks.

“I’ve never been to such a place. What if I make a fool of myself?”

“Need I remind you that you aren’t going there to perform?” Jinyoung said with a gentle laugh, “I can still call off my plans and go with you.”

“No, no. I’ll be fine.”

God forbid Jinyoung called off his date with Bambam of all people. Thanks, Jaebum wanted to survive.

There really wasn’t anything to get so worked up about. It was true he was never at the Opera before, but nobody would know he was poor in Jinyoung’s loaned suit. Jinyoung first proposed to buy him one, but Jaebum shot that proposition down in an instant. He also forbade Jinyoung from telling Bambam where he was going, because he was sure that if Bambam learned it, he would buy Jaebum the most extravagant suit he could find. Jinyoung’s clothes would do, there was no point in buying something to wear once.

He was let in and told where his seat was without being thrown out, so the worst had passed. And when the lights went out, he felt safe in the darkness, until the trumpets made him jump. He was very close to the stage and he could hear and see everything perfectly. When the trumpets stopped and the orchestra took over, he felt more drawn into the music.

It was an interesting thing to experience. Not his kind of music at all, but he could acknowledge it made an impression. He liked the theatric part of it but he wasn’t really moved until Orpheus arrived.

Here he was, clad in a toga, make-up on his face and a golden laurel in his hair. Jaebum watched transfixed as Youngjae started singing. But it wasn’t until he was lamenting the death of his beloved that Jaebum felt it, deep in his bones, the unknown Italian words not a barrier to understanding the suffering that Youngjae’s voice carried. The power of it, the precision, it shook him, and he could scarcely breathe.

And when the chorus started singing, the voices of all of them mingling, going through each other, his heart jumped. It was what he loved in music, it was feeling in the purest form. It carried things language couldn’t.

Throughout all of it, he was glued to his chair, and when it was time to leave he didn’t have the strength to raise up. He had to because the man that let him into the Opera came to tell him ‘Mr. Choi wanted to see him,’ and took him backstage, where Youngjae was getting rid of his make-up.

Youngjae turned to him with a smile, bright, excited, the laurel upon his dark hair, and Jaebum remained speechless. He still remembered the sound of Youngjae’s voice in his ears, the power of his emotions on stage. It was hard to see him and not think Orpheus stood before him.

“What do you think?” he asked approaching Jaebum.

“I –“ Jaebum’s words were stuck in his throat, “I liked it,” he could only say, even though what he felt went so much beyond that.

“I’m glad,” Youngjae answered unbothered, “will you wait for me a moment?”

He didn’t know that the place he was driving to was Youngjae’s house and he was hit with it only when he passed the threshold. He wasn’t sure why he was here and he felt a bit nervous, because of the distance Youngjae always treated him with, although the feeling was receding as of late. The unfocused niceties started to become more sound somehow, now Youngjae seemed to look at him, really look and not just pass his eyes and go back to Jinyoung or his thoughts.

Being led to the basement was quite weird, but he was star-struck when he saw it was turned into a studio, with microphones, a large keyboard, and many things Jaebum never imagined somebody would have in his house.

“Opera is fun, it’s what I started with,” Youngjae said, giving him a pair of headphones and leaning down to turn on the laptop, “I do musicals too. But this is what I love doing most.”

He motioned for Jaebum to put on the headphones.

Jaebum was shocked. He could tell it was Youngjae singing, but it was so different from the opera. How could he have such a range? This song, it started slow, soft, melancholic, but the music swelled and at the refrain Youngjae was growling with his voice, dark and low, and Jaebum remained stunned. This, it was the kind of music that Jaebum really enjoyed, more modern and in a language he understood. The lyrics struck him, the anger of them, the despair. Youngjae was singing about standing against the world that was unfair and he felt those words, they woke up his thoughts.

He took off the headphones and looked at Youngjae with open mouth, unsure how to transmit how amazed he felt.

“I composed it,” Youngjae said and Jaebum’s mouth just went wider, “music has so many styles, so many ranges. It would be weird to only stick to one.”

“You- composed it?”

It was amazing enough that Youngjae sang in it. That he created it, it made Jaebum look at him anew. He was standing in front of a real genius, of someone out of this world.

“Yes, I love making music. I create my pieces under the name ‘Ars’,” he answered lightly, taking the headphones from him, their hands briefly touching.

Jaebum never noticed before, but this was the first time they had physical contact of any sort. And it only made his already bizarre state more indecipherable.

The tranquility that Jinyoung gave him was broken. He felt only unrest when he was back at the empty apartment, and he couldn’t sleep. He finally just gave up and looked for pieces by Ars on the Internet. He listened to them the whole night, and he didn’t know why this wonderful music, instead of calming him, made his heart ache with the strangest longing.


	5. Of king-sized beds and accommodating tables

He tried to get rid of the hand shaking his arm. He swatted at it but it came back relentlessly.

“Wake up, Jaebum!” it was Jinyoung’s voice, he recognized suddenly.

When he shot up the first thing he felt was the terrible dizziness. Then came the headache.

“Did someone try to kill me?” he said, gripping his hair.

He could recognize a hangover, but he’d rather not. He was probably late with breakfast, that’s why he was woken up. Jinyoung, the angel he was, immediately gave him a glass of water that he gulped down quickly. When he focused his gaze on the man, he realized that this was not his room, and not his bed.

“Shit,” he said eloquently.

Mark chuckled from behind Jinyoung, who had an unreadable but stern expression on.

A lot of things became suddenly perceptible to him, like the fact, there was an arm thrown around his middle, someone snuggled into him. He could have assumed it was Jinyoung, it being his bed, but for the fact Jinyoung was sitting before the bad, passing him an aspirin.

He looked down and followed the arm to see Youngjae, deeply asleep with mouth wide open, holding onto him possessively. But that wasn’t the only person he saw, oh no, because, behind Youngjae, Jackson was salivating onto the pillow, lying almost on top of Yugyeom. They were all clothed, thank god, some of them even with shoes on, but it didn’t change the fact that they were all in Jinyoung’s bed.

“Imagine my surprise yesterday when I and Mark came back and Bambam was sleeping on the couch,” Jinyoung started, “but it was nothing compared to what I saw in my bedroom.”

“Um,” Jaebum said, not sure what to do, “please don’t fire me?”

***

It was not that he didn’t remember what happened. It was just hidden for him for the moment he woke up, still in his peculiar dreams about goats.

He was alone at the apartment when Jackson rang the doorbell, it being a Saturday and Jinyoung out on a date with Mark. He was already preparing himself to say that to Jackson but the other interrupted him, asking if he wanted to go to karaoke.

He didn’t know that they were going with Yugyeom, Bambam, and Youngjae. This last one concerned him the most, and he turned to Jackson when Yugyeom and Bambam started singing a song loudly.

“Why didn’t you tell me Youngjae would be here?”

He was embarrassed to sing before him, even as a joke. Youngjae was a musical genius, how could he even take this noise?

“Youngjae is the one who asked me to organize this and invite you,” Jackson whispered back, leaning into him.

That made Jaebum a little less afraid. Youngjae did say he loved music, maybe it was just his favourite way of spending time with his friends? Maybe he just wanted to get to know Jaebum better.

He was drinking by that time already because the atmosphere was of that kind, so he wasn’t quite so nervous when they passed him the mic. He thankfully knew the song they chose for him and he sang ‘I do’ trying not the be embarrassed. He always got drown into the feel of the song, and he couldn’t quite stop himself from making all that show on his face or doing some silly hand expressions.

He tried not to look at any of them while he sung, but the silence that followed was worrying. They were all staring at him, and he felt even more embarrassed now.

“Your voice is so,” Bambam started saying, his face unreadable, “- different.”

“Different from the singer, you mean?”

Of course, he couldn’t sing like an actual professional, but was it really that off? He had always thought he was pretty decent, and he liked singing too, music, in general, was something he loved. He could even play the guitar a little, one of his girlfriends had taught him.

“I just watched an angel,” Jackson said, dispelling the nervous atmosphere, gripping a hand over his heart dramatically.

That overblown compliment made him smile at Jackson thankfully. They were here to have fun, he could ignore Bambam’s strange insults for tonight.

Youngjae stood up from his seat next to Yugyeom, looking at him while he walked over.

“Scoot over, Jackson,” he told the man that had his arm behind Jaebum on the couch, and Jackson did it with an unwilling sigh.

“Will you sing with me, hyung?” Youngjae asked, already choosing a song.

“Um, sure.”

Well, they already heard him, so there was no point being anxious now. It would be unfair to treat Youngjae inversely just because this was his profession.

“I will do the rapping part,” Youngjae informed him, and it surprised Jaebum a little, thinking that Youngjae would choose the more vocal role.

It turned out, Youngjae could rap pretty well. His low voice suited it, and he could keep up with the fast lyrics. It also turned out that Jaebum had a load of fun singing with him, at some point he stopped being afraid to look at him, seeing Youngjae enjoyed this as well.

A couple of drinks in, and they went on to do weird stuff, like competing who could sing the highest, or the lowest, who could be the loudest. Youngjae won most of those, although Jackson had an unexpectedly raspy, not to mention very sexy, rapping voice.

He was admittedly already drunk when Yugyeom proposed they change the place and go clubbing. Jaebum hasn’t been clubbing for what felt like a long time, but this night he felt like he was young again. Well, he was young, he just often forgot about it.

He wasn’t the type to get so drunk he would do something he would regret terribly later on. The alcohol made some things that he usually kept in the back of his mind come forward. He noticed before that Bambam looked amazing today, he had blue contacts on and a black choker around his neck, but only now it really sunk in. Yugyeom too, looked very attractive, the mole under his eye giving his gaze added sensuality, Jackson took off his jumper and now he was only in a sleeveless black shirt that left his muscled arms visible, how good Youngjae’s hair looked in their slight disarray, details like that, that passed through his mind and made him want to look more. He was loosened up with the liquor enough not to be nervous to go on the dancefloor, though at first he tried to stay with Bambam, who sipped an expensive-looking drink by the bar, ignoring all of them. But it was impossible when Yugyeom and Jackson pulled him with them, and he didn’t put up much resistance, seeing that Youngjae went with them too.

It was a nice club, kind of retro, cost more money than Jaebum would even give to get into one of those. The music that they played was also not of the dub-step, techno, club-like verity, but music that you could dance to, but still sounded good.

He wasn’t surprised that Yugyeom could move his body well, being a dance student. He was a bit taken aback when he came very close to him, leaning over, towering over him a bit, their noses almost touching. He moved along to him dancing, and their bodies were in rhythm, Yugyeom putting one of his hands on his waist, the beat of Jaebum’s heart jumping with the music as he looked into Yugyeom’s eyes and saw him smile, that smirk that showed just one-side of his teeth. He bit his own lip seeing this because Yugyeom was so near, and he could feel their bodies harmonizing, which made him think of other things bodies could do rhythmically.

The music too, wasn’t helping, the bass making his heart jump into his throat, the flashing lights making Yugyeom’s hair look grey, his striped shirt giving Jaebum lightheadedness. He moved his eyes forcibly from Yugyeom to glace at Youngjae, who was dancing with closed eyes, very unbothered about anything. This calmed him a bit, and he moved his arm over Yugyeom’s shoulder, his hand onto his neck.

Dancing this close felt intimate, but it also felt joyful, the kind of exercise that made everything simpler. He forgot himself in it, and he laughed joyously when Jackson approached him, pretending he was singing the song dramatically into a nonexistent mic.

He was sweaty and loose-muscled when they all fell onto Jinyoung’s bed. It didn’t seem like such a bad idea at the time, it was big enough to fit four of them, it only made sense.

***

He was terribly ashamed of all this, especially when Jinyoung gave their half-alive forms that crawled to the table breakfast, that he had made, which was Jaebum’s job. And Jinyoung wasn’t much of a boss, but he still paid him for it.

“He’s not going to throw you out, Jaebum, you need to calm down,” Mark said, passing him a coffee and sitting down next to him, “I don’t know what you’d have to do for Jinyoung to fire you. Maybe if you burned down the house.”

“That only makes me feel worse,” he said, hiding his eyes behind his palms.

From the very beginning, he was abusing Jinyoung’s kindness. Now, he was even doing silly things like that.

“It’s not Jaebum’s fault, hyung,” Youngjae was quick to defend him when Jinyoung came back from the kitchen, “it was my idea to go out drinking.”

“ I don’t mind anyone drinking. You’re all adults,” Jinyoung answered, “and I can pretty much guess Jaebum wouldn’t come up with the idea to sleep in my bed.”

“But your bed’s _really_ comfortable,” Yugyeom drawled, looking in Jinyoung’s direction.

“So it’s your doing, Yugyeom?” Jinyoung answered unamused.

“Oh, get off,” Jackson told him irritated, standing up to face Jinyoung, “stop putting on the stern act.”

Jaebum felt sparks that passed between them when Jinyoung glared. Awesome, now he would also have to watch them fight.

He felt Mark get closer to him and whisper into his ear, “don’t worry,” he told Jaebum, his breath tickling his cheek, “Jinyoung has no chance.”

“This is my home. My rules,” Jinyoung told Jackson, but the other only smiled at that.

“Oh, really?” Jackson’s hand went to the front of Jinyoung’s shirt, travelling down his chest, “how very respectful of other’s property. Need I remind you what happened the last time you were drunk, babe?”

Jaebum watched with fascination as Jinyoung’s eyes glared even more, but he remained silent. Jackson’s hand stopped its descend on Jinyoung’s belt and pulled him closer, the two men inches from each other.

“It was me that suggested sleeping in your bed,” Jackson told him, licking his upper lip, the atmosphere between them heavy, “want to punish me?”

Jaebum looked away from the scene and met Bambam’s gaze. He couldn’t believe it, but Bambam actually made contact and rolled his eyes, motioning in their direction. Jaebum snorted at that.

Only now he realized that, for the first time, they were all here: Bambam, who was sipping his coffee, overgoing breakfast as always; Youngjae and Yugyeom, both nibbling on the food, mostly unbothered about the fact Jackson had his hands over Jinyoung, who gripped the hand that tried to approach his hip; Mark, who was leaning over to him, telling him to ‘eat a bit more.’ It should have felt very strange, but somehow, it was comfortable. It made Jaebum abandon his worries about being thrown out, seeing how soft Jinyoung was for this group of trouble-makers.


	6. Dormant passions

He knew it couldn’t last, though he had hoped despite experience that he would be able to contain himself. He held out pretty long anyway, but he was his father’s son, however much he hated that. 

Jaebum was able to keep himself mellow and drawn-back for a long time, sometimes he even started to believe himself to actually be a stable and functional adult. But the illusion had to shatter at some point, and a pet that bit its master had no place in the house. People liked him just fine when he was tame, he also liked this version of himself more.

Jinyoung was a stubborn creature, and he was very sneaky. He made Jaebum feel at home here, and every day showed him, often with small inconsequential actions, that Jaebum could feel at ease in his company, that he would be understood. For this was what Jinyoung wanted – to rid him of his outer protective layer that was gentle and harmless. This was what Jaebum wanted to be. Jinyoung sought to make Jaebum lift his mask but there was nothing underneath. Nothing except chaos, and sadness, and rage. Even his younger masks, he could not know. Jinyoung could not understand him, he hadn't been with him when he was creating himself. Only Jaebum saw it all, and even if Jinyoung asked him to show himself, he couldn’t. He knew that it was hard for Jinyoung, because the man reached for deep connections with the people he chose. A physical connection would have been easier to give him, although that too, never worked out for Jaebum in the end. 

The problem was Jinyoung’s directness that made them seem to be on equal footing, when they were not. Jaebum would not normally forget how dependent he was on Jinyoung if the other kept his distance. And he was so persistent, which created a whole other dilemma. Jinyoung had suggested, a couple of times, that Jaebum should take the whole matter of the debt collectors to court, that Jinyoung’s lawyer could win this case. Jaebum denied gently every time. He didn’t want to go to the authorities, the authorities were the ones who had done this to him. 

Hearing it for the tenth time made him snap back with irritation he had tried to keep at bay for as long as he had been here. He had lost jobs for his temper before, and he didn’t want to lose another one, but he was unable to keep calm. 

“I just think you can’t let them treat you like this. You have to –“

“No,” Jaebum repeated, leaving the couch to put his empty glass in the kitchen. Jinyoung followed him there.

“My lawyer is very dependable. I’m sure he can –“

“Jinyoung, I don’t want to.”

Jinyoung was visibly exasperated.

“Why not? Don’t you want to make them pay for this?”

Jaebum had lost everything, from a place to live to all the earnings he owned, but it was still probably less than Jinyoung would pay his lawyer to get it back. His life must be so cheap compared to Jinyoung’s, he would be ridiculed at court for even wanting it back.

“I don’t want to, and that’s it,” he answered roughly. Jinyoung didn’t have to understand, that would only make it worse. “How is this any of your business?”

Jinyoung looked a bit offended at his tone, but he pushed on.

“Because I care about you,” he said simply, honestly, “and it makes me so mad that they caused this suffering.”

“Why?” Jaebum said, turning around and looking straight at him. He was tired already of Jinyoung’s concern, of his well-meaning nagging. Jinyoung didn’t know him, but he knew how weak Jaebum really was, how helpless. “we met what, three months ago? Why do you treat me like I’m some important part of your life? I cook for you, and clean, and keep you company, and you pay me. Even though you need no cook or housewife, nor do you really need company with all the people that love you. You just took me in because you pitied me.”

“You’re confusing pity and sympathy,” Jinyoung said, trying to approach him, but he stepped back.

Jaebum snickered.

“Oh, yeah?” he asked with a venomous voice, “you’re such a generous person. Tell me, if it was some old bum, if it was someone disgusting, would you take them in? Or would you give them a dollar and be on your way, pleased with yourself?”

“That’s not fair,” Jinyoung told him, paralyzed in place, “what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me why you took me in!”

It was so confusing to him, that Jinyoung picked him up from the street just like that. He could see only one reason for it but no evidence supported it. Jinyoung could have just told him he would pay him for a night together and he would have had him, and yet, they lived together for three months now, and he didn’t as much as suggest it. 

“I –“ Jinyoung stopped himself, “I didn’t plan to take you in when I approached you. I just wanted to give you my coat.”

“Why didn’t you go away? Why did you decide to come back and take me with you?”

“When you looked at me, I don’t know,” Jinyoung said, his eyes unguarded, “you must know how you look, Jaebum.”

Jaebum did know because a lot of people went out with him solely because of it. They all ended up disappointed. The only version of him that could be liked was a watered-down image. He could show sadness, he could show joy, but those deeper feelings, the true mess, nobody would be able to take, because it wasn’t cute, it wasn’t appealing. 

“So you took me in because I have a pretty face?”

Jaebum could accept being a good-looking stray that Jinyoung felt attracted to. He could understand that, but not with the fact he was safe from being claimed here, he had always been safe in Jinyoung’s company, even though he didn’t know it in the beginning.

“It’s not –“ Jinyoung tried, “yes, but not in the way you think.”

“In what way then? I don’t understand it at all.”

“I was afraid,” Jinyoung looked at him with furrowed brows, “I thought that sooner or later someone was going to use you. Hurt you.”

Jaebum snorted.

“I have survived on my own for a long time.”

His bravado was mostly fake. He had been lost when Jinyoung had found him, he had no idea what to do with himself, that was why he was sleeping on the bench instead of actively looking for some solution, for whatever sort of job. 

“And yet, you got into a stranger’s car,” Jinyoung challenged, “that showed me more than anything how desperate you were.”

Jaebum clenched his jaw. 

“You think you know me, because I’m nice for the person that feeds me?” Jaebum hissed, “you have no idea how I really am. You know what I thought about when we first met? I thought that if you wanted to fuck me at least you were good-looking. I thought that if you wanted to murder me, at least I would maybe die in a bed.”

“You say things like these and you expect me not to be protective of you?”

His words shook Jinyoung, but instead of looking at him with horror, there was still that horrible pity on his face. He could still not see Jaebum for the wretched person he really was, for the unstable maniac he tried not to be.

“I thought about stealing your watch. Your car.”

“I don’t care about the watch, or the car.”

Jaebum laughed darkly again.

“Of course, why would you? You can always just buy a new one.”

“Jaebum-“

“How nice it must be to be born on the side of the populace that has everything.”

Jinyoung was hurt by his words, he could see. Good, that was what he wanted, even if Jinyoung did nothing to deserve it.

“Are you blaming me for not being born poor?” Jinyoung asked shakily.

“Of course, it’s not your fault. You can just cut yourself from the world when you want, help those below you when you feel like it.”

“What would you do?” Jinyoung growled, defensive, “tell me, if you were born in my place, would you give all of your money and belongings away and go on a mission to help the poor?”

“How would I know? I’ve never had enough money to consider it.” 

He knew it wasn’t fair to make Jinyoung feel guilty for the world’s problems. But Jinyoung was so good and so righteous, it pissed him off. This perfect boy, born in a perfect home, that could have all the freedom he wanted, could just buy Jaebum. It was making him furious. There was such a disparity between them.

He gripped the glass in his hand and he threw it on the ground, the shattering sound satisfying for a moment until he realized what he had done. 

He didn’t like the thought that he was like his father, but he had his childish theatrics: the threat of violence, without the actual use of it, the raised hand that didn’t strike. His father rarely ever hit him, but he had often threatened to do so if Jaebum got out of line. 

His reason came back to him suddenly, with the shock on Jinyoung’s face, with the broken glass littering the floor. He covered his mouth, dizzy suddenly. 

“Jaebum?” Jinyoung tried to touch his arm, but Jaebum took another step back, colliding with the counter loudly. 

“I will go,” Jaebum said quickly, “I will pack my things and I will be gone, just let me clean this –“ he was already leaning down to collect the pieces but he was pulled up by his arm very roughly.

Jinyoung loosened his hold, clearly apologetic.

“I’m sorry, but don’t touch the glass,” he said, pulling Jaebum out of the kitchen around the shards, “and calm down first. Where do you want to go?”

“Out of here.”

Jinyoung couldn’t think of keeping him after this.

“Where?” Jinyoung repeated.

“That’s not your problem.”

“It is my problem,” Jinyoung said fiercely, the hand on his arm tightening, “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Jinyoung, are you crazy? Can’t you see I’m dangerous?”

“Nothing happened to me. It’s just a glass.”

“Something could have happened to you.”

“If you really want to leave, I can do nothing to stop you,” Jinyoung said, his eyes sincere, “but please reconsider. I don’t want you to leave.”

Jaebum looked at him with disbelief. Jinyoung was truly mad, wanting to have him here still. When he was obedient and useful, that seemed fine, but now, when he showed he was unbalanced, Jinyoung ought to realize he should have never taken him in.

“But I’d like to ask you not to break more glasses. That really could be potentially dangerous, and there are better ways to relieve anger.”

Jaebum sighed.

“What better ways?”

***

He expected to be taken to some kind of therapy when Jinyoung started driving in an unknown direction, but he was ready to agree to anything, retreating into himself in silence and letting the world do whatever it wanted. He always had little control over it anyway. Maybe if Jinyoung pressed on that lawyer now, he would have agreed, but the man promised not to push on the subject again, and even apologized to Jaebum, making his chest hurt. 

They ended up before a grand glass building, but it could still be the therapist. God knew he never met one. He didn’t expect to see Jackson when they entered the building. It was already pretty late in the evening, and Jackson was in loose, exercise clothing. It still took Jaebum by surprise when he was taken to a massive gym, that was apparently the Wang company’s property. Jinyoung left him alone with Jackson, and he was taken even further into it, up to another floor, where there was a boxing ring. Jackson approached him with boxing gloves, putting them on him and leading Jaebum to one of the punching bags.

“When I want to punch one of the assholes I have to deal with, I do that,” Jackson told him with a smirk, “it’s not quite as satisfying as human flesh, but it does the job.”

“I didn’t want to punch Jinyoung,” Jaebum said quickly. He wouldn’t have, he could break inanimate objects, but he would not use actual violence. Not against him.

“Who do you want to punch then?”

Jaebum thought about the people who rid him of his home. As soon as he hit, Jackson stopped him.

“Not like that,” Jackson said, coming closer to him, and demonstrating how to stand, how a hand should move, “like this, see?”

Jaebum nodded and tried to repeat under his watchful gaze. He was surprised when Jackson came behind him and forced his feet further apart with his own.

“Put your body weight into it,” Jackson instructed, and moved his hand below the glove, “the wrist goes like this.”

He moved with him, but it was a short contact. He let go right after, and when he deemed Jaebum proficient enough in hitting, he left him on his own, so Jaebum could imagine the debt collectors, his father, the world, in this punching bag. His hair was clinging to his face, and his shirt to his chest, when he at least felt he had no strength to punch anymore. He had no idea how much time had passed, so he went down silently. 

Jinyoung didn’t notice him and Jaebum was struck when he saw him using some kind of cable tower, pulling on cables from below, his posture straight as always, but now the strain was showing it better, the outline of his muscles, his strong arms, the core of him stable, his face focused. He was breathing steadily, in a hypnotizing rhythm of slowly lifting the wight and setting it down.

Jaebum’s throat was dry. Now that the anger had left him, he thought he would be empty, clear-headed. But watching Jinyoung like this, it made images cross his mind faster than he could think to stop them. Jinyoung could stand like this, prostrate and balanced, and drive into someone kneeling before him, slowly, regularly, with no care about the needs of the person below, never going faster, maybe even keeping the person down by the neck with one of his strong hands. He didn’t have a clear image of that person, just a random body, but Jinyoung, he saw clear as day, his dominance, his regulated force, the cruelty of the slow rhythm.

He stood frozen until Jackson approached him from the side, spooking him while calling his name. 

“Do you want something to drink?” he said, passing Jaebum a bottle, from which Jaebum drank quickly, letting the cold drops run down his face and neck.

When he freed the bottle, he noticed that Jackson was observing him, following the drops that went to seep into his already wet shirt. It made Jaebum instinctually watch him too, and Jackson must have been exercising as well, his tank top was also clinging to him, his arms, and neck, and face glistening from exertion. Their eyes travelled back up and met, and Jaebum could see that their thoughts were mirrored. He looked away to gaze at Jinyoung again, which wasn’t a much better choice, but at least Jinyoung didn’t see him.

“He’s quite a sight, isn’t he?” Jackson spoke, standing close to Jaebum. It wasn’t an improper distance, but Jaebum felt the heat of his body, “he doesn’t look quite so strong with everyday clothes on. But without clothes he –“

“I have to go,” Jaebum thrust the bottle into Jackson’s hand.

“I’m sorry, I went –‘

“It’s not that,” Jaebum assured, “thank you for helping me. I need some time to myself. Tell Jinyoung I will be back at the apartment in the morning.”

He spent too much money for the taxi that took him to Bambam’s house, but he was so far outside of his balance that he didn’t even care.

When Bambam opened the door, leaning on the doorframe with raised brows, dressed in casual clothes but no less breath-taking, Jaebum had lost the ability to explain himself.

“Looks like you need a shower, baby boy,” he drawled, “want to borrow mine?”

“I’m your hyung,” he answered irritably, already stepping into Bambam’s space, “don’t call me ‘baby boy.”

Before Bambam could answer in any way, Jaebum claimed his lips, licking along their seam hungrily. Bambam’s hand want to his hair when he opened his lips, fighting Jaebum’s tongue with his own, sucking it inside, holding him prisoner between his teeth while he pulled them backwards and kicked the door closed.

He loved the feeling of Bambam’s short hair, and the naked nape of his graceful neck. He kissed down it, behind Bambam’s ear, nibbled on the lobe taking the golden earing and playing with it. Bambam turned his head to kiss on the side of his face, to skim his nose along his cheekbone.

“I knew you’d come around,” Bambam said quietly, coming face to face again and holding Jaebum’s face between his hands.

Jaebum didn’t much care at the moment that he had lost in some way. From the time Bambam kissed him, he felt this to be inevitable, but he planned to let things unfold on their own. That didn’t quite work out, because he wasn’t patient by nature, and while he could force himself to it, the situation wasn’t one in which he was able to hold back.

He came to Bambam because the man was honest. He never hid that he wanted him, never used subtle attacks. They barely knew each other when their lips touched for the first time. Jaebum admired that, he was always oscillating between flirty subterfuges and aggressive outbursts, but Bambam’s passion was not violent like his. He was self-controlled but not withholding. Truly someone who took what he wanted, but he still waited for Jaebum to come to him calmly.

And now that Jaebum was burning with the need to touch him, he drew back, left him standing alone. Jaebum looked at him pleadingly, and Bambam smirked.

“Come on,” Bambam said, turning around, “I promised you a shower, didn’t I?”

Jaebum took his shirt impatiently off when they were in the bathroom and Bambam looked at him with appreciation, but Jaebum paid it no mind and started taking off his trousers.

“You going to take a shower in clothes?” he hurried Bambam, and the man started to finally do away with his buttons.

Bambam’s shower was quite big, the kind that could accommodate two people easily, with two glass doors and a showerhead that took the whole ceiling inside. Jaebum tried to turn it on and the water that fell on him was freezing, making him jump out. Bambam laughed, still being safely outside the cold stream.

“Good for your fervor,” Bambam said, reaching inside and turning the water into a much warmer waterfall, pulling Jaebum inside again.

Jaebum didn’t actually think about a shower as in washing oneself at the moment, but Bambam took the shower gel and started applying it on his body, looking at Jaebum’s impatience amused. Jaebum kissed him while Bambam’s hands made circles on his chest, going lower to his stomach, to his back, sending shivers along his spine with his touch. It was gentle, until his hands went down to his ass and grabbed, Jaebum jumping into him in surprise, his cock dragging against the other’s wet body, and Bambam showed the teeth in his smile, squeezing again.

Jaebum reached his hand down and squeezed another part of him in retaliation, Bambam closing his eyes and groaning. He moved his hand slowly up and down, kissing along Bambam’s jaw. 

The man had a beautiful face, the angular shape of it, the full mouth, sharp eyes. All of him was amazing actually. His body was lithe but he was definitely well-shaped, there was not an ounce of useless fat on him. Did they all have to be so amazingly built? Bambam was completely different from Jinyoung or Jackson, whose bodies were thicker but still probably hard as rocks, but he certainly exercised to keep himself this wiry. Jaebum didn’t think he had a bad figure, he was wider than Bambam, heavier, but there were soft parts to him. Though Bambam didn’t seem to mind, he rather enjoyed pinching and squeezing those parts, and Jaebum felt played with. He yearned for more. 

He was light-headed already, the raining water and the steam on the glass cutting them off from the world. There was nothing else but their bodies, the ways they met. 

Bambam seemed amazed when he put the tips of two of his fingers slightly inside Jaebum’s mouth, and Jaebum opened wider for him, sucked them inside, let Bambam pin his tongue down.

“What do you need?” Bambam said, his voice hoarse, “want me to suck your pretty cock? Want to suck mine?” Bambam’s licked his lips at the thought, “want to fuck me? Or do you want to be fucked?”

Jaebum whimpered around his fingers. 

“Please,” he said, the haze of desire making him shakier, “I need you inside.”

Bambam kissed him, ferociously, his hands palming his ass-cheeks again, rougher than before, and Jaebum’s nails went a bit into his shoulders, Bambam moaning into him.

It had been some months since he had a man inside him, he needed to adjust. Bambam prepared him well, but Jaebum didn’t let him do it for too long, he was too close to coming as it was. He was afraid that he would burst at the first sensation of being filled, but he held still, breathed through his nose to cool down. 

When Bambam used his foot to spread his wider, Jaebum was reminded of the same gesture Jackson did earlier. It didn’t seem sexual to him than, but now, everything did, all that had happened. Even fighting with Jinyoung, he had not thought it erotic, but now he could imagine being pushed against the kitchen counter, Jinyoung punishing him for everything, even though the logical part of his mind realized he would not have let Jinyoung get close to him at that state of aggravation.

The images left him when Bambam moved and Jaebum felt it deeply, letting out a sound of pain.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine.”

“You’re very tight,” Bambam said, his tone suggesting he didn’t mind that too much, “does it hurt?”

“Please, don’t stop,” was the only thing Jaebum could say.

Bambam obeyed and snapped his hips into him again, Jaebum’s knees bending and going a bit inward at the pleasure that shook him. Bambam was not holding back, not even a little bit, and Jaebum could only let out short noises of appreciation, gripping onto the rail that was fortunately there to help him hold himself against potent thrusts.

“You like being taken from behind, huh?” Bambam said, his hips drawing back to snap forward again.

“I like being taken in general.”

Bambam licked along his ear, Jaebum’s body trembling.

“I figured,” Bambam bit the earlobe and rammed his prostate again, Jaebum exclaiming at the abruptness, “you’re often up in your thoughts. How naughty are they?”

Jaebum whimpered, turning his head to pout his lips against Bambam’s, the other kissing his sweetly while his hand travelled down from his waist to his cock.

Whatever else was said was background noise when Bambam started driving into Jaebum with real, regular force, abusing those spots that made the mind leave and left only sensation. Jaebum was twitching around him very quickly, he came too fast for his liking, the man kissing and licking his shoulders and back while the spams shook him. Bambam was still hard inside him, still burning, and Jaebum felt the fever, he was hotter than the water of the shower and he still felt the need, while Bambam took his pleasure, while he left his body, while he muffled Jaebum in soft towels and took him to bed where their exploration could commence in a less rushed manner, and he could use his tongue to make Bambam moan and scream for him.

He told Bambam everything, in the early hours of the morning that made the rest of the world seem unreal, and yesterday like years ago. He was not afraid of Bambam’s judgment over coming here, pushed on by desire that was going in many directions at once because he felt that would not be much of an issue for him. Bambam still asked him about it, curious about his choices.

“Why me? You could have chosen Jackson. Or Jinyoung.”

The simple reason was that Bambam was the one who showed him interest first, while others didn’t, but it wasn’t quite true. He was not blind to the ways the guys who spend so much time at Jinyoung’s home looked at him. But attraction wasn’t synonymous with tangible interest. Yet fear of rejection still wasn’t what drove him to this bed. His desire was not focused on one person, it was self-centered, it was need. And he knew, the moment he stood on Bambam’s porch, that this was a man that could understand selfishness, that he would not berate him for being like this. But he didn’t know how to voice that. 

“I like the way you look at me,” Jaebum said instead.

“How do I look at you?” Bambam breathed out entertained.

“Like a challenge. Though it was not so hard to get me to sleep with you, in the end.”

“Maybe getting you to bed wasn’t the point of the challenge,” Bambam answered shrewdly, his hand travelling down Jaebum’s naked side, “but I also think that you chose me because I made the first move.”

“Does that offend you? That I chose the easiest option?”

“Offend me? I’m glad I managed to do it and make you think that way,” he kissed Jaebum’s brow tenderly, “I can recognize when someone gives me a gift.”

“Are you calling sex a gift?”

“I’m calling trust a gift,” Bambam answered, softer in the morning than he would be at any other time.

“You’re really weird.”

“I keep hearing that, I wonder why,” Bambam said jokingly, “but there’s another thing I wanted to say. I do agree with Jinyoung that you should get a lawyer, but I understand why you don’t want to and I won’t press but –“ Bambam said, his face suddenly turning severe, “if anyone ever hurts you, say one word and I will destroy them.”

Jaebum stared at him.

“Why? Why are you and Jinyoung so protective of me?”

“You’re one of us now. We protect our own.”

“I’m not –“

He wasn’t one of Jinyoung’s lovers. He didn’t know who he was. A mess, mostly.

“I told you, Jinyoung does not choose people randomly. He has incredibly good instincts.”

“For what?”

“You’ll see,” Bambam answered annoyingly, giving him a quick kiss, “The real fun starts now.”

  
Jaebum didn’t want ‘fun.’ He wanted relative peace and for his equilibrium to come back, to live in a dream. He thought giving into his needs would help him go back to that state, but now he felt awake, and it was hard to go back to sleep.


	7. Kiss the cook

There were times when Jaebum looked at Jackson, Bambam, and Yugyeom, and saw the handsome, clever, successful men they were. But there were other times, and at those, the only thing he saw was a bunch of kids. Each on their own could be mischievous in many ways, but together, they were much, much worse. And lately, he had a feeling that they were meeting up in the apartment more often, and not separately to spend quality time with Jinyoung.

Jinyoung, actually, was possibly the only person that could contain them to some extent with his glare, but against all three, even he had little chance. Jaebum was often amused at their antics, but equally often, he was the object of their teasing, as no one was safe from that.

“Look hyung, this is the dance I came up with,” Yugyeom said excited, shoving the phone between him and the plate, which really, not a smart move.

Before Jaebum could even watch it, he heard another voice from his right. 

“Can he even see properly? His eyes are so small.” Bambam joked.

“No, but look,” Jackson said, his hands going up to squeeze Jaebum’s cheeks, “Jaebum’s eyes are so cute. He looks like a cat, no?”

“Don’t speak while eating,” Jaebum huffed with irritation.

All of them laughed at his tone.

“Yes, mommy,” Jackson drawled.

Jaebum wasn’t quite sure what possessed him at that moment.

“If I’m a mommy,” he said, looking straight at Jackson, “is Jinyoung your daddy?”

He was aware he said it in such a manner there was no way they wouldn’t look at him shocked. Though he usually kept his comments to himself, it was worth it to see Jackson’s jaw hit the ground. Bambam and Yugyeom also looked at him startled and even Jinyoung stopped sipping his coffee. Only Mark chuckled at this.

“Are you Jinyoung’s wife now?” the eldest asked, his voice smug.

“Gosh, Jinyoung,” Jaebum made his voice higher, “you didn’t tell them? My, what an awkward situation.”

Yugyeom snorted, and soon after, Jackson joined him too, Jinyoung smiling behind his cup.

From all of them, unexpectedly, Yugyeom was the most impish one. Mostly because he didn’t seem to be so, he was often just cute and sweet. He played innocence very well, while Bambam and Jackson didn’t try to cover their deviousness. He was the one Jaebum was most caring towards, the one who always got the biggest food portions because Jaebum just couldn’t let him be hungry, he was a big man, he needed his calories. Jaebum felt strangely protective, even though Yugyeom didn’t need it.

He often drove Yugyeom back to his flat, or to university after he spent the night. Jinyoung had told him he didn’t have to, that he could take him back himself, or pay for a taxi, but he didn’t mind when Jaebum had told him he liked to do it. Driving with Yugyeom was enjoyable, he kept up conversation, he was funny, sometimes he sang what was on the radio and Jaebum often joined him. It just filled Jaebum with positive energy, and he often kept humming to himself when he went on his way to the open market that was right next to the university.

On one such occasion, he had just gotten out of the car to chat with Yugyeom for a bit before going, but the group of passing students interrupted it by shouting:

“Hey, Yugyeom! Is this another one of your rich boyfriends?” the guy who said it snickered.

Jaebum scowled in the student’s direction and the guy lowered his eyes. So much for his courage.

“Does he mean Jinyoung?”

“I think he means both him and Bambam,” Yugyeom said, seeming unmoved by it, “Mostly Bambam, his car really catches attention.”

Jaebum looked up at him, worried.

“Do they bully you? If someone –“

Yugyeom erupted in laughter.

“Bully me?” he said when he finally could breathe again, “do you think anyone who thinks Bambam is my boyfriend would try to bully me? One glare and they’d scatter. Jinyoung too, would shred them to pieces,” Yugyeom said with a smirk, “it’s lovely of you to worry about me, but I assure you, it’s unnecessary.”

“Are you sure? Because I can always beat them up.”

Yugyeom laughed again.

“That would be problematic because the guy who shouted to us is actually one of my friends. He was just teasing. And when he saw you –“ Yugyeom said, his smile turning wicked, “he must have been so jealous.”

Jaebum stood speechless. They were all essentially good at sudden attacks, but the fact Yugyeom could change so quickly from a sweet kid to this flirtatious behavior always caught him off-guard.

It was also by surprise he received the apron. When Yugyeom had come to the kitchen, Jaebum didn’t turn around but he knew it was him, because he was the only one in the house beside Jinyoung, and their steps sounded different.

“Open your arms, hyung,” he heard and he did what Yugyeom wanted, setting the knife safely down on the cutting board. A cloth passed his head and when he looked down he saw it was a yellow apron. It looked pretty simple, besides the red letters that spelled ‘kiss the cook.’

“Last time, you spilled soup on yourself, so I thought it would be a practical gift. As a thank you for always driving me.”

Jaebum was already forming a ‘thank you’ but Yugyeom pulled too much on the strings of the apron on Jaebum’s back, tied them too firmly, and the breath was knocked out of Jaebum, his body straightening at the feeling.

“Too tight, Yugyeom!”

“Oh, sorry,” Yugyeom answered, loosening the bindings and caressing his back in apology.

“It’s fine,” Jaebum said, turning around, “thank y –“

He was once again interrupted when Yugyeom leaned down swiftly and pecked his cheek, Jaebum’s eyes widening with astonishment.

“What are you doing?”

From Jackson, that would be normal, but Yugyeom, while not always far from his personal space, never kissed him before.

“What the apron tells me,” Yugyeom answered with an innocent grin.

“Clever,” Jaebum deadpanned, but he thought nothing much of it. 

Even when he was sitting with Jackson on the couch, and their hands met while they both reached for the popcorn, Jackson catching his and lifting Jaebum’s up to his lips, kissing the inside of his wrist, the wet pressure over his vein making Jaebum gasp, he did not connect the dots. He pulled his hand away when he felt the touch of Jackson’s tongue, his heart somersaulting at the sensation.

“What are you doing?”

“Mmm, salty,” Jackson said instead of an answer.

“What are you, a dog?”

“Woof!”

Jaebum snorted despite himself, because Jackson’s puppy face was funnily adorable, and it calmed his jumping heart a bit.

Only the third time, did he realize it couldn’t all be accidental. It also helped that it was Youngjae this time, and he was sure that he wouldn’t come up with that sort of thing on his own.

He and Youngjae had gotten a lot closer from the time of the opera and the karaoke. Youngjae loved to talk to him about music, and Jaebum loved to listen to him when he was animated. They shared a lot of the songs they liked, stuff like that. But still, Youngjae wasn’t the kind of physical person that could make this pass unnoticed.

Jaebum let Youngjae take his hand without expecting that he would raise it to his lips, leaving a quick kiss over his knuckles. He could only stare at Youngjae with surprise, and Youngjae avoided his eyes, clearly embarrassed, and escaped from the door with a quick goodbye, without even waiting for Jinyoung to come out of the bathroom. And Jaebum stood a long time frozen in place after that, staring at the hand that Youngjae had kissed.

Bambam was, of course, very forthright about it. Jaebum didn’t even know he was in the apartment, and he almost had a heart attack when he was hugged from the back while cooking. He thought it must be Jinyoung, but he saw by the hands that it was the younger man.

“I didn’t hear you coming it!” Jaebum exclaimed, turning around in Bambam’s arms.

Bambam smiled at him and started leaning down, Jaebum immediately covering the approaching lips with his hand.

“Not here,” he hissed.

Bambam looked at him with irritation, taking the hand off.

“You let the others kiss you here.”

Jaebum furrowed his brows.

“How do you –“

“Didn’t you figure it out? It’s a game.”

“A game?”

“Yes, a kissing game. Why do you think Yugyeom gave you this apron?”

“To be nice?”

Bambam snorted.

“You know,” Bambam lowered his voice, leaning close to his ear, pulling Jaebum more against himself, “I kind of hoped to see you only in the apron. I’m sure Jinyoung would have appreciated –“

Jaebum hit him on the head with the spatula and told him to get out of the kitchen, and Bambam obeyed sullenly, most probably going to get comforted by Jinyoung.

It was very easy to believe Yugyeom, Jackson, and Bambam invented this game. He was shocked that Youngjae took part in it too, but he couldn’t even be mad at him. He wasn’t even really angry at them, even though he felt he should keep up a certain air of annoyance. Still, he always managed to get surprised by it.

When Mark hugged him goodbye, it was unusual but not that weird. Not until Jaebum felt him move his hair away and open his lips on Jaebum’s neck. And he didn’t just kiss him, he sucked a bruise there, Jaebum gasping and jolting in his arms, causing Mark to let him go. 

“You’re in this too!” Jaebum accused, covering the place when Mark’s mouth had been.

“Sorry, Jaebum,” Mark said, slightly apologetic, “you know I’m a gamer. I like winning.”

Jaebum expected the eldest wouldn’t take part in such plays, but he had apparently been mistaken. Clearly, Jinyoung’s type was men that lacked reason.

A thought crossed his mind, when Jinyoung looked down at his neck, and his eyes widened at the hickey left by Mark, Jaebum forgetting he should have covered it.

Was Jinyoung a part of it? He looked at the man suspiciously.

“Are you in the game too?”

“What game?”

“The kissing game.”

“Ah,” Jinyoung said with understanding, “no, I’m not a part of it.”

“But you know about it.”

“Of course, I know. I live here,” Jinyoung said as if it was obvious he would know everything that happened under his roof, “I can tell them to stop, but it’s better if you do it on your own. They will never leave you alone if you don’t stand up against them.”

Jaebum nibbled on his lip. There was a very simple problem he had with that.

“Why didn’t you just tell them not to play games with you? They would have listened.”

“I-“ Jaebum couldn’t say any more.

Jinyoung looked at him sharply.

“Do you want them to stop, Jaebum?”

“It’s –“ Jaebum started, “- complicated.”

“Why?”

“Um, I –“ Jaebum started and took a deep breath. Honesty, Jinyoung had said at the beginning, “I slept with Bambam.”

Jinyoung’s surprise lasted a second in the course of which Jaebum was getting ready for a fight, but then the man just sighed.

“That night when you disappeared after the gym?” Jinyoung asked calmly.

“Aren’t you angry?” Jaebum looked into his eyes, but he could not read what the other thought.

“Why would I be angry? You’re not my property.”

“I was talking more about Bambam. He’s your lover.”

“He’s not under my control. No one is. I can’t want freedom and not offer it in return,” Jinyoung told him with a smile, “and I knew it would happen, sooner or later.”

“What? Me and Bambam? He hated me in the beginning.”

Jinyoung snorted.

“Do you know what he said to me, the first time he saw you? He asked me how in the hell did I manage to convince such a dish to stay here.”

“Really?”

“Of course. You really don’t want to hear all their comments on the topic of me bringing you here, but they were all somehow along those lines.”

“How did you know _I_ would want to sleep with him?”

“A hunch,” Jinyoung told him, looking into his eyes curiously again, “what about the others?”

Jaebum wanted to pretend he didn’t understand the question, but it wouldn’t pass. The only part of the inquiry he wasn’t sure about was if Jinyoung included himself in it. Was he outside, like he was from the game?

“I don’t know yet.”

It was better not to get into that. He could be honest with Jinyoung, but he didn’t have to tell him everything, and especially not such frail, unstable things as feelings.

“Well, I’m glad you told me about Bambam. You didn’t have to, of course, those are your private matters, but it is less awkward to find out in this way.”

“Sure, I’m glad you’re not mad about it.”

“Was it Bambam that left the mark on your neck?” Jinyoung asked, his voice and face unreadable.

“Ah, no, that was Mark,” Jaebum answered, scratching at the place self-consciously.

Jinyoung just nodded at that information. Jaebum wondered actually, how much Jinyoung knew about all that was happening here. He probably knew it better than Jaebum.

However, he felt a slight need to not let Mark win the game. In fact, he didn’t want any of them to win it, because they decided to play him, and so, when all of them, minus Youngjae who had a rehearsal, sat at the table, he didn’t waste time after setting down the food and came behind Jinyoung’s chair.

He leaned down, moving Jinyoung’s hair gently out of the way, and kissed his forehead, keeping in place for a moment. When he raised back up he saw that Jinyoung had closed his eyes, and was now blinking them open. Jaebum gave him a tender smile, before looking up at the rest of the table, that had become remarkably quiet.

“The cook kissed Jinyoung,” Jaebum proclaimed, “so Jinyoung wins.”

He wasn’t just going to be their plaything. Being a player sounded more his style.


	8. Treacherous games

Jaebum could feel the little paws hiking all across his back while he lounged on Bambam’s couch, the cats on the point of treating him like furniture. Bambam was reading something on his laptop, resting his head close to Jaebum’s stomach. Jaebum reached his hand down, petting Bambam’s short hair, the other closing his eyes and exhaling. 

“Will you help me with something?” Jaebum asked, massaging his head.

“With what?” Bambam answered, his voice relaxed. 

“How do I go about …”

Jaebum wasn’t sure how to ask the person who he was for some reason sleeping with how to hit on people who were sleeping with the person who was Bambam’s actual boyfriend, and also Jaebum’s boss, slash benefactor, slash possibly a friend.

“Hmm?” Bambam purred, snuggling more against his hand.

“What can I do to maybe, you know, get back at the others for playing that game with me? You know, tease them a little?”

Bambam opened his eyes and looked at him sharply.

“What do you mean?”

“Seduce them, slightly?”   
  


Bambam snorted.

“Isn’t that what you have been doing from the very beginning?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why the cooking? Why all this ‘being lovely and caring’? What is that for?”

“That’s like being a mother, how is that attractive?”

“Yes, because nobody, in the whole world, dreams about having a husband that’s this good at cooking.”

“It’s my job, of course, I had to show I had some skill!”   
  


Bambam didn’t seem very convinced but he continued.

“Why do you smile in the way you do, then? And narrow your eyes into those tiny slits when you’re happy, but when you’re curious your eyes are wide and shiny? Why do you pitch your voice to a pleasant tone whenever you ask for something? Or lick your lips so much?”

“My lips are just dry!” Jaebum answered defensively, “look, all those things you say, I don’t do them consciously. I’m not actually good at subtle seduction.”

“Your whole being is a subtle seduction, Jaebum. Even now, the way you’re lounging on the couch is -”

Jaebum smirked. Bambam wasn’t always this explicit, even if he was honest.

“Is what?” he asked in a low voice.

Fine, it wasn’t completely true he did everything unconsciously.

Without a word, Bambam stood up and took the cat off of Jaebum’s back, the cat unhappily hissing at him for that. Instead of the small animal, Jaebum now had a full-grown man lying on his back, pinning him to the couch.

“It’s making me want to do things to you,” Bambam said quietly, his hands travelling down Jaebum’s clothed sides to reach beneath his blouse and lift it up, leaving Jaebum’s stomach and chest uncovered. “And you’re saying it’s not on purpose. Tell me, is that revenge for me playing the game along with them?”

“How would that be revenge? Am I not good to you?” Jaebum asked, gasping when he felt Bambam’s hand on his chest, massaging it, to then pinch his nipples.

“Oh?” Bambam said against his ear, kissing it with delight, “are you going to play nicely tonight? Be obedient while I do whatever I want to you?”

“That depends,” Jaebum answered, lifting his hips to press his ass against Bambam’s crotch, “will you help me?”

“I can definitely take you shopping.”

“How is that going to - ah!” 

Jaebum’s question was interrupted by Bambam’s hand that had sneakily reached inside his underwear to tickle at the underside of his cock, making Jaebum’s hips buck more into him, which in turn made Bambam press him down more with his body. Jaebum could feel the shape of his hardening member against himself, and he yearned for it inside him, but first, he wanted to obtain Bambam’s promise to aid him.

“Trust me,” Bambam said, nibbling on the back of his jaw, “it will help.”

Jaebum could say no more when Bambam gripped him fully, jerking him while his other hand reached to take the trousers and boxers of Jaebum’s buttocks, leaving Jaebum to close his eyes and hide his face in the soft material of the couch while Bambam took care of him, first with his fingers, than with his cock, making Jaebum try and fail to stifle his moans.

Jaebum was quite afraid that Bambam was going to dress him in something outrageous. His own style worked out for him, but Jaebum was quite sure he wouldn’t be able to pull it off. He was surprised by the clothes Bambam did choose.

“Dressing up might seem unimportant but clothes play a huge role in seduction. Successful people know that well enough,” Bambam said, passing him another shirt to try on, “you can’t seem to be trying too hard, but at the same time, looking after your appearance shows interest and gives confidence. That’s what’s important. You must walk the line between keeping all of this behind the curtains and showing you’re open to being approached. It’s also important for you to feel comfortable, so we won’t be going too far out of your style. It’s mostly little tricks. Without other plays, clothes will be useless.”

“It’s just a normal shirt,” Jaebum said, watching himself in the mirror. It was a loose dress shirt, but there wasn’t anything interesting about it.

“Not like this,” Bambam said, turning him around from the mirror and reaching to his buttons, “leave three of those unbuttoned. Show a bit of skin, not too much, but lean towards the person when you’re speaking, it’s loose so it will show more. Slip some of it into the trousers, but the rest leave outside,” Bambam said, doing it the way he wanted and turning him to the mirror again.

It looked different now, gave him some volume. More interesting than a normal shirt at last. 

“If it’s Jackson, you can undo one more button. He won’t even hesitate before looking down, so it’s the best bait,” Bambam took off his own necklace and put it around Jaebum’s neck, “wear this kind of necklace, one that reaches down and draws attention to your cleavage. Your pecks are pretty out there.”

“Thank you?” Jaebum answered, catching the pants Bambam threw at him.

Those were ripped jeans, and Bambam made him wear them with a plain black shirt.

“The pants show off your long legs, and also bits of naked skin. They’re pretty close to your style and they give off the bad boy vibe. Yugyeom will just love that. Ideally, I’d make you wear a leather jacket, but it’s still too cold for that. A black coat will work fine, a bit oversized will be best, we will look for it after.”’

“I have a coat,” Jaebum answered. He was still wearing Jinyoung’s coat, the one he received when they had met.

“Then you’re going to have another one.”

“You’re having too much fun with this. Am I your doll?”

“You asked me to help and I’m doing that to the best of my ability. Stop complaining, we’re just staring.”

Bambam also made him wear a casual suit and told him he should wear it with a simple shirt. That, despite dressing like an uncle half of the time, Youngjae actually liked a suave man. Then he threw a whole collection of jumpers and satin shirts on him. He told him that with Mark, there was a small chance the other would even notice what anyone was wearing, but the texture was important, and that Jaebum should wear something soft.

The only item left was a blue sweater. It was actually very simple, with the collar only a bit wider to the sides than his other sweaters, but the colour was beautiful, a vibrant azure that caught the eye.

“What is that one for?”

“Nothing much, it’s just that Jinyoung really likes this colour.”

“We’re not taking it,” Jaebum answered, taking the thing off.

“What?”

“Jinyoung was not in the game.”

“Didn’t you drag him into it?”

“And that was enough. I don’t need anything for Jinyoung. Let’s go.”

Another thing Bambam judged could be improved was his hair. He didn’t make him cut it, but bought a hair mousse and told him to make them a bit wavy, especially if he was going out. And if possible not to tie them all off of his face, unless he was cooking or doing something they would be a bother for.

When they were passing a jewellery shop, Jaebum hesitated. He had bought a pair of cheap black earrings from the money he had now, but he always liked piercings, the more the better.

“Want something from here?” Bambam asked him, “it’s a good idea actually, a bit of gold or silver would look lovely with your skin.”

Jaebum turned his eyes on him, conflicted. He knew Bambam liked spending money on things like these, but still, he bought so much for him already.

“It’s alright, I can buy them myself.”

“If you want. But just so you know, I’d love to buy it for you. That would be a great way of seducing me.”

Jaebum smiled. Well, Bambam didn’t seem to care about throwing money away, so what harm did that do? 

Though when all seven holes in his ears had earrings and even his nose had a small piercing in, the hole not having closed by some miracle, he realized he got carried away by Bambam’s excitement in choosing his jewellery.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, biting his lip nervously and looking away from Bambam’s penetrating gaze.

“And you said you’re not good at seduction,” Bambam answered, his hand raising to turn his eyes back to himself, “I don’t think the clothes, or my advice, is necessary. Just do whatever you’re doing now.”

“What?”

“Make them crazy about you.”

Jaebum blinked, taken aback by Bambam’s words, but the other was already letting him go, going away and calling him to walk along faster.

The change in his appearance wasn’t drastic but it was immediately visible. Right away, Jinyoung asked about one detail.

“You pierced your nose?”

“About seven years ago. Why, you don’t like it?”

“I didn’t say that,” Jinyoung answered with a focused gaze.

He wondered, did Jinyoung not like piercings? His ears were not pierced, but all of his lovers wore them. Maybe he didn’t like face piercings? But he abandoned this train of thought because, after all, seeming attractive to Jinyoung was not the point. 

In this way his little game began. At first, he wasn’t sure anything at all worked, though Jackson paid him compliments about his looks, though that wasn’t really new. He did all that Bambam told him to do: opened up his shirt more, made his hair look nice, cooked their favourite dishes, kept-eye contact, and an open body posture, leaned towards them when he listened with interest, smiled when their eyes met, but mostly he used the situations when they presented themselves.

He didn’t believe being clumsy could work in his favour, but when he almost slipped while holding a hot dish, and Yugyeom caught him, holding his arms up and letting Jaebum regain his balance against his chest, Jaebum didn’t really need to rest against him for those additional moments. It was worth noticing that Yugyeom didn’t let him go either.

“You should be careful, hyung,” Yugyeom murmured, “wasting your food would be a sin.”

“So it’s the food you worry about?”

“The one who makes it is also important,” Yugyeom answered with a laugh.

Jaebum rested his head back against Yugyeom’s shoulder and turned his face towards him, close enough to feel his breath.

“How embarrassing to be caught by a younger brother,” Jaebum said with a pout, “why the hell are you so tall and strong? You make me feel fragile.”

Yugyeom swallowed, looking down at him. Jaebum held in his smile as he felt Yugyeom’s hands move over his forearms, to hold over the oven gloves.

“Is that what I am? A little brother?”

“Well, you call me ‘hyung.”

Yugyeom forced him with his body to walk a step forward and helped him put the casserole with spicy chicken wings on a wooden board.

“I call Jinyoung ‘hyung’ too,” Yugyeom answered stubbornly.

Jaebum couldn’t stop himself from smiling, so he turned his face away and stepped a bit forward, hiding the side of his face in his hair. It was really so easy to force a young man to want to prove himself. 

When he calmed his expression a little, he turned towards Yugyeom again and put a hand on the back of his neck, patting it a bit.

“And you’re cute, like a younger brother.”

Yugyeom’s lips quivered with irritation before opening with his sharp smile, his hand suddenly on Jaebum’s back, the other catching the wrist of Jaebum’s hand on his neck and pulling him in closer. Jaebum stopped himself from showing any surprise at the closeness and looked lazily over Yugyeom’s shoulder. He had heard the steps before, but it seemed Yugyeom didn’t.

“Jinyoung, the food is ready,” he told the man that looked at them impassively from the entrance of the kitchen.

It was funny how quickly Yugyeom let him go and stepped back with an abashed expression that he kept up throughout dinner.

***

That one, he actually started to do unconsciously, and Mark wasn’t really looking at him at that moment, he and Bambam engrossed in a story Jinyoung was telling them about his boss, which Jaebum had already heard before. It was only when he raised his eyes and noticed Mark staring at his lips, did he realize that he was biting on the cross Bambam had given him. His lips stretched in a smile, the cross still between his teeth. The startled look Mark gave him was worth that.

Yet he himself was startled when Bambam squeezed his thigh under the table, his face closing in and his nose right against the hair covering his ear.

“Very subtle, hyung,” was his whispered taunt, the hand moving slowly up.

“Bam -” he turned his head to scold him, but Bambam let his thigh go and used the hand to lift the cross to his own mouth, pressing it against his full lips. 

Jaebum watched for a moment, fascinated. He almost leaned in, but he remembered they were not alone. He turned his head to see Mark’s and Jinyoung’s stunned expressions and he ended up a bit flustered by their silence and stillness.

“Would anyone like dessert?” he asked feebly. He didn’t really even have dessert but he could make do.

“Depends,” Bambam answered sneakily, “are you the -”

Jaebum kicked him, hearing Mark’s snort at Bambam’s sound of pain.

***

With Jackson, he could admit, that was not an accident at all, though he made it look like one. He was pretending to be engrossed in the article he was reading on his phone, when Jackson leaned down to kiss Jinyoung goodbye. He knew Jackson would most probably step behind his chair and peck his cheek quickly, but he didn’t look at him at all when Jackson approached him from behind, his hand resting on Jaebum’s shoulders when he started bending down. Jackson called his name before he reached him, and Jaebum pretended that was what made him turn his head so that Jackson missed his cheek and pressed his lips against the corner of Jaebum’s lips, the momentum not letting him draw back quickly enough. Jaebum barely managed to stop himself from moving the centimeter to make their lips connect for real, but that would not go over as accidental.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you,” he exclaimed when Jackson moved back.

“No problem,” Jackson said with a blinding smile, “we can do that again if you -”

“Weren’t you in a hurry, Jackson?” Jinyoung asked, looking at him from behind his glasses.

“Ah, right!” Jackson answered, startled, “bye, Jinyoungie! See you, Jaebum,” with those words he was gone, almost running out of the apartment. 

***

They were quite colorful additions to the routine of his chores, though his work as Jinyoung’s house-keeper wasn’t that demanding. Certainly not as much as running between the tables as a waiter and he had had his fair share of that. So he could relax when Jinyoung was closed in the office and nobody else was in the house, which was mostly the case, they usually visited after Jinyoung’s work hours or on the weekends. He also didn’t dress up or arrange his hair, because Jinyoung was not a part of the game.

Between meals, and when there was nothing to clean, it wasn’t uncommon for him to sit on the couch and read a book, and it was also not rare for Jinyoung to leave the office for a moment of break. Jaebum paid him no mind until he felt a head on his shoulder.

“I’m so tired,” Jinyoung complained, taking off his glasses and blinking rapidly, “I can’t look at the screen anymore, my eyes hurt.”

“Can you stop for today?”

He knew Jinyoung probably couldn’t if he wanted to finish what he was doing by nightfall. 

“I have to go back in ten minutes,” Jinyoung sighed into his shoulder.

“Wait a moment,” Jaebum said, moving Jinyoung gently from him.

He knew where the eye drops were and when he came back, he made Jinyoung put his head on his lap, and administered the drops, Jinyoung closing his eyes right after, tears escaping his eyes along with the drops. It was strange to think, but he looked beautiful like this, the streaks travelling down the side of his face, his mouth slightly open. He seemed defenseless.

Jaebum moved his hand to wipe the tears with his thumb, Jinyoung shifting slightly in the direction of his hand while he caressed his face, the tears gone already. 

“I don’t want to move,” Jinyoung proclaimed, nuzzling into his thighs more.

“Stay here then.”

Jinyoung opened his eyes and smiled up at him. There were still small drops between his eyelashes and it took Jaebum’s breath away.

“Don’t tempt me,” Jinyoung told him, moving the hand tenderly off his face and raising up.

If only he could tempt Jinyoung so easily. After he heard the door closing, he wasn’t sure what possessed him but he touched his fingertips to his lips, hoping to feel the salt of Jinyoung’s tears on them. He removed the hand quickly, when he realized how ludicrous the action was.

***

Even though seducing Youngjae was initially in his plan, because he had also played their kissing game against him, Jaebum realized he wasn’t able to go through with it. There was always something that stopped him from being flirtatious towards Youngjae so the only thing he did was looking well.

  
Which proved to be a problem when he went to Youngjae’s house, invited to hear his new song in his studio. His loose hair was falling into his eyes when he bent his head to look at the lyrics Youngjae gave him on a piece of paper, and they didn’t want to listen to him when he tried to blow them away.

When he felt the fingers that skimmed his forehead lightly, tucking the hair away, he turned his eyes on Youngjae with surprise. He knew he could use this situation, say something charming, but the words died in his throat, and he dropped his gaze on the page again, embarrassed to the point of his ears getting warmer.

He was afraid. He didn’t want Youngjae to see behind his machinations and think him dreadful for it, think him a fraud. It took time for Youngjae to open himself up to him, Jaebum was too scared he would close up again, and their talks about music, and art, and anything, would end because of this. 

“Is that better?” Youngjae asked, his voice wavering with embarrassment as well.

“Yes, thank you, Youngjae,” he answered with a friendly smile, which Youngjae returned shyly, both of them returning to the task of trying to judge what could be improved in the lyrics.

***

Jaebum had thought that, after he told Jinyoung about Bambam, they were at a point where they could trust each other and that maybe, finally, his curiosities about the strange relationships Jinyoung had could be asked about openly. He was wrong, of course, Jinyoung managed to prove that to him well enough.

“Did you ever sleep with more than one of them?” Jaebum asked, raising his head to look at the man on the sitting chair.

They were both in the library, Jinyoung reading in the chair, while Jaebum finished ‘Catch-22’ that he had taken randomly off the shelf three days ago. The room had a soft carpet that Jaebum liked to sit on when his legs got tired of sitting in the other chair. 

He could admit the question was somehow abrupt but Jinyoung’s look of disbelief was a little much. 

“Are you asking me if I had a threesome?”

“Um, yes?” Jaebum answered, a little embarrassed by this fascination he had with Jinyoung’s private affairs, “I mean, it’s not that shocking. Even I had a threesome before.”

Jinyoung raised his brow.

“There was this girl in high school. We didn’t really know each other, but we always met up when smoking behind the trash bins. She once just asked me if I was interested because she and her boyfriend would like to try it, and I thought it would be fun, so –“

He stopped, realizing that nobody asked him for an explanation.

“So what about you?”

“Yes,” Jinyoung answered, going back to his book.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, I slept with more than one of them before.”

“Which –“

“What makes you so curious?” Jinyoung asked, interrupting him.

“I mean this is quite an unusual situation you have so… I don’t know, I was just wondering.”

Jinyoung’s brow twitched and Jaebum could recognize he had offended him somehow, although he didn’t know how exactly.

“Is my love life such an absorbing thing to you?” he asked, closing his book loudly.

“I didn’t mean to -”

“Is that why you’ve been acting like this? I didn’t say anything because I thought a little flirting was harmless,” Jinyoung told him with a hard gaze, “tell me, are you just curious what it’s like?”

Now, Jaebum felt the anger he kept at bay stirring in his mind. 

“Okay, fine,” he answered standing up, putting his book carefully on the table to stop himself from throwing it, “I’m sorry, I won’t ask again.”

Before he could escape to brood in his room, Jinyoung managed to catch his wrist. 

“Jaebum, just,” Jinyoung hesitated, glancing up with a vulnerable expression, “don’t hurt them.”

“What?” he answered defensively.

“They played with you, I know, and it’s fine that you’re playing with them back. Just – if you don’t feel anything, don’t go overboard.”

Jaebum stared at him.

“You know what, I really don’t understand you,” he told Jinyoung, furrowing his brows, “you were fine when I slept with Bambam. Now, suddenly, you’re worried?”

“Bambam has casual relationships from time to time, he’s the one least probable to get hurt by you. But the rest – don’t think they play without feelings. They approached you on their own, but they will not go any further unless you let them.”

“Aren’t you a little unfair? I didn’t do anything more than they did.”

“I know, I’m not saying you did anything wrong. I just - there were people before that had thought because they are like this with me they are easy -”

“So you’re saying I’m easy?”

Jinyoung forced out a quick negation. Of course, Jaebum knew he was actually easy, and he had slept with people he hardly knew before, but firstly, Jinyoung had no way of knowing about it, and secondly, what was the problem with that? Sex was only sex, and this conversation was highly theoretical, he had not made a real move on anyone except Bambam. And he was angry, because it was them that teased him, that saw him as a pretty curiosity that lived in Jinyoung’s house. How was it unreasonable to turn that against them? Jinyoung was just blind to it because he loved them.

“I know them, but you, I can’t tell what your intentions are. You are still a mystery to me,” Jinyoung told him, his fingers still around Jaebum’s wrist.

“What a funny creature you are,” Jaebum answered, leaning down to hover closer to Jinyoung’s face, and looking down at Jinyoung’s lips, back into his eyes, Jinyoung not moving back but his gaze turning cautious, “all the talk about freedom, and you are the most controlling person I know. You can’t protect people from being hurt, Jinyoung. Life is about getting hurt.”

Jinyoung’s distress turned to a look of determination.

“They got to know you through me. I have hurt them before, and I will not do it again,” Jinyoung had an honest expression, a decided voice, “I know I cannot stop everything, and I cannot control anyone. But I’m asking you not to be cruel. Play with them all you like, but don’t give them hope where there is none.”

“How do you know there is no hope?”

“I don’t. You’re very hard for me to read, I don’t know what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. You’re hiding from me.”

“Tell me,” Jaebum purred, “are you going to throw me away if I break one of your beloveds’ hearts?”

He didn’t like this idea of having to have feelings to go further with people. He would have never been with anyone that way, would remain a virgin all his life. Sex was easy, why should anyone over-complicate it? 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, biting his lip, “I believe you will not hurt them because you care for them. And for me.”

“You just said you don’t know what I’m feeling,” Jaebum overruled, but ultimately he sighed and put some distance between them, “but I’m just a stray you can order around.”

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung said harshly, “this is not an order, but a request. I’m asking as a friend.”

Jaebum glowered at him. He had a right to refuse a friend. How much right did he have to refuse Jinyoung?

“Where are you going?” Jinyoung called after him when Jaebum made for the door.

“If you want me to stay,” Jaebum said looking straight at him, “give me an order.”

A flash of sadness passed Jinyoung’s face and Jaebum turned around, leaving quickly. Ultimately, the worst thing about Jinyoung’s words, what stung Jaebum the most, was that Jinyoung was right. He could and was cruel towards others, with or without meaning to. 

***

“What are you so mad about?” Jackson asked, holding the punch mitts steadily against the blows.

Jaebum came to the gym sometimes when he needed calming down, often meeting up with Jackson. He learned that this form of therapy did help him, at least from destroying things he didn’t mean to impair. At some point, he passed from beating the punching bag and started using Jackson’s help.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum answered simply, hitting the mitt furiously again.

Jackson sniggered.

“What did Jinyoung do to deserve such treatment?”

Jaebum threw his fist angrily without restraint but Jackson didn’t budge. 

“Told me the truth.”

“That is an annoying quality of his, I admit,” Jackson answered amused, side-stepping Jaebum and causing him to lose his balance, “what did he say to you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jaebum told him, taking off the gloves, “I’m fed up with this,” he threw the gloves on the ground and stared at Jackson challengingly, “I want to fight for real.”

Jackson’s amusement left him, but Jaebum could see the intrigue in his eyes.

“I could hurt you.”

“Good,” Jaebum answered, smiling at him, “hurt me if you can.”

Of course, he had little chance against Jackson. Winning wasn’t the point, he knew this when Jackson managed to catch his leg and threw him on the ground, painfully, pinning him there, sitting between his legs and holding his shoulders from moving up.

Jaebum liked the physicality of a fight. Despite his wide built he had never been very good at those, and he managed to get into trouble with people more than once. He enjoyed when people lost the inhibitions of their bodies that society forced upon them. The only other thing that had so much of letting go was sex.

He was good enough at mixing the two. Jackson didn’t seem to think about that while they fought, focused on defeating him. No wonder, Jackson had trained himself. But Jaebum, he wasn’t quite so good at separating some things, but using that as a tactic was also not such a problem to him.

He relaxed his body, letting Jackson feel his muscles loosen, his legs opening wider. Putting his head on the ground with a sigh, he opened his lips a bit, keeping his tongue a bit raised against his teeth, looking up at Jackson without words.

He could see the change in Jackson’s expression, and he used the fact the other man was taken aback to suddenly close his legs around his waist, turn them around and pin Jackson to the ground.

Jackson looked at him with wonder, his lips opening in a smile that bared his teeth.

“You do share some things with Jinyoung,” Jackson said, Jaebum disturbed by the sudden mention of the reason he was this worked up in the first place.

“What do you mean?”

“You both fight dirty,” Jackson answered, his tongue going out to wet his lips, “for Jinyoung, I know ways to make him stop but,” his smile turned devilish, “I wonder if you’d like to be tied down as well?”

Jaebum’s eyes widened when the implication hit him but he could do nothing else because Jackson raised his knees and kicked him forward, his arm freeing to push against Jaebum’s side and turn them around again. 

“That’s oversharing!” Jaebum exclaimed looking sullenly up at him, “remember you’re talking about my boss.”

“Oh, do you call him that? I bet he’d just love to hear that in the -”

Jaebum tried to throw him off, but that only ended in being pinned more securely.

“Jinyoung is no angel, and he is as far from proper as possible. You don’t need to feel guilty for thinking various things about him.”

“I don’t,” Jaebum said, looking away from Jackson’s humorous expression.

“Feel guilty?”

“Think about Jinyoung like that.”

Jackson smiled with disbelief.

“And yet you’re here because of him.”

“That’s because he pissed me off. And I can’t just fight with him.”

“Why not?” Jackson laughed, raising from him and helping him stand up, “if it would be anything like this fight, I bet Jinyoung would have loved it.”

Jaebum breathed out heavily. How could Jinyoung think him cruel when it was them that played with him in every possible way? 

“And if you want to be hurt,” Jackson added, “there are also ways other than a fight.”

Jaebum was unsure if Jackson was proposing other methods with himself or with Jinyoung, but either way, Jaebum was about to take him up on the offer. He stopped the words on his tongue, the annoying reminder of Jinyoung asking him not to play with their feelings fresh in his mind.

“Do you want to go for a burger with me?” he asked instead, changing the topic, “I’m starving.”

Jackson beamed at him.

“Sure.”


	9. Love voyeur

When Jinyoung wasn’t at the breakfast table at the usual time, Jaebum finally decided to just go and check up on him. It had only been two days since their argument and they were still awkward with each other, so he knocked hesitantly on the door of Jinyoung’s bedroom. After not receiving any answer he sneaked in. It was dark in the room, the blinds unraised. Jaebum approached the bed, and shook Jinyoung’s arm lightly, calling his name.

Jinyoung’s eyes were drowsy not just from sleep and Jaebum checked his forehead.

“You’re too warm,” he said gently, “maybe you should go to the doctor.”

Jinyoung reached for his hand.

“There’s no need. I get like this after big projects, it’s overwork. I’ve been like this since school times.”

“Is the project finished?”

“Yes, I’ll call my boss and say I’m taking the day off.”

“I’ll bring you breakfast.”

“There’s no need, I can go to –“

“Don’t move,” Jaebum pushed him back against the headboard, and Jinyoung let himself be maneuvered without further discussion.

There was a small folding table in Jinyoung’s room and Jaebum filled the whole of it with their food. Jinyoung sat cross-legged to make space for him on the other side, so Jaebum felt invited.

“You said you’ve always been like this?”

“Whenever I had exams, I used to study myself into a fever. But I always managed to hold out until the end of the exam. Then my body just gave up.”

“You’re so strange,” Jaebum said with a laugh, “why study so hard?”

“I wanted to be the best.”

Jaebum snorted. He had never been best at anything in his life, but he wasn’t surprised Jinyoung was a workaholic from childhood.

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung said with an intense expression, “about what I said last time, I’m sorry.”

“About me being easy?”

“That isn’t what I meant and you know it. Don’t pretend like you don’t understand.”

“I understand,” Jaebum said with a contrary smile, “clearly, I have offended a man of great principle with my actions.”

“Don’t be sarcastic,” Jinyoung answered, but he too, was smiling, “I’m not claiming to be better than you. And I also don’t think you did anything wrong. If some strangers were involved I wouldn’t bat an eye. I’m sorry about the way I said it, but I’m not taking my words back.”

“What an honest apology.”

“I know I’m over-protective, but isn’t it comprehensible when it comes to people I love?”

Jaebum couldn’t look straight at Jinyoung’s open expression.

“I wouldn’t know.”

He realized that he shouldn’t have said that. He was practically inviting Jinyoung to ask.

“You must have had someone you loved in your life,” Jinyoung said with his brows furrowed, “not even romantically, just –“ Jinyoung halted his words. He knew Jaebum’s family situation from the bits and pieces he revealed.

If Jaebum had loved his father, it was a strange kind of love, inseparable from loathing. His friends all left him on his own for being destructive in the end. Other family members were just people he was very distantly connected to. The only person he remembered loving with any certainty was his grandmother, but she died when he was eight.

“When I was in relationships,” he said instead, preferring to leave the subject of his family far away, “I really thought I loved the person. But the longer we were together, the worse it got. I was growing to hate them for their feelings because they fell in love with a fake, and were disappointed afterward. I hated them for not recognizing the fake, while it was my own invention. I hated them for expecting I would keep up the charade,” he looked into Jinyoung’s eyes hesitantly, “when I think about them now, I feel nothing. I needed them and used them for comfort, and then threw them away when they no longer suited me. You were right to say those things about me.”

“You are under no obligation to love the people that love you,” Jinyoung assured, “you were right about people getting hurt, it is unavoidable with feelings.”

“You said you have hurt them before,” Jaebum remembered. This sentence had piqued his interest, but in the heat of their argument, he had no time to ask.

“Lack of feelings is not the only thing that can hurt people,” Jinyoung said, his eyes plaintive, “my problem is that I have too much of them. And once I start loving someone, I don’t know how to stop.”

Jaebum looked on, prompting him to continue.

“In university, I started going out with Jackson,” Jinyoung started slowly, “I thought then, that there was only one proper way to relationships. Me and Mark, we were very good friends. I thought that it was just that, that the love I had for him was not of that kind, but –“ Jinyoung smiled beautifully but with a touch of melancholy, “when we kissed I knew that it was much more. And I felt so guilty, I told Jackson about it right away.”

“How did he react?”

“He was heartbroken, furious. I loved him, my love for Mark didn’t lessen it, but I didn’t think they would understand. I knew it was unfair to them both that I couldn’t decide between them, so I broke up with Jackson, distanced myself from Mark.”

“So all three of you ended up miserable.”

“Not for long,” Jinyoung grinned, “when they came to me, together, they seemed determined. I don’t know how they resolved it between themselves, but they told me that we should try out another way.”

There was a beat of silence but Jaebum really couldn’t stop himself.

“So you had a threesome,” he said in deadpan.

Jinyoung made a scandalized expression but there was amusement underneath.

“Yes, fine, we had a threesome,” his tone was scolding, but he was chuckling, “what is it with you and threesomes? Do you consider that the best way to resolve emotional conflicts?”

“Isn’t it?” he joked back, but this conversation started to make his ears hot. Maybe he shouldn’t have said it.

Jinyoung laughed with disbelief.

“I think, allowing this, it opened all three of us to new possibilities. And when I met Youngjae, I was unsure if there was something wrong with me to be once again attracted to someone, but Mark and Jackson encouraged me to explore it, see what would come of it. And every time, when I fell in love with someone, I didn’t think it took away the love I already had. But I suppose they are exceptional for seeing this, for sharing in it.”

Jaebum felt an ache beneath his ribs. How much capacity to love did Jinyoung have? Jaebum felt that he had none, it was like he was damaged.

“I will try not to hurt them,” Jaebum stated, “but if they flirt with me I will flirt back. And if they make the first move, I can’t promise anything, so you better keep them at bay.”

“Do you think it’s possible to keep them at bay?” Jinyoung laughed, “it’s fine. I’m just asking that you don’t do anything without considering there might be more under what you think is just a game.”

Jaebum didn’t think so. It was pretty clear to him it was a game to them, especially when situations like this happened when he came from the kitchen for a movie marathon that Yugyeom used Jinyoung’s TV and living room for, and, seeing all the places on the couch were taken, he was meaning to go bring himself a chair, but Yugyeom protested instantly.

“Come on, hyung, my lap will be more comfortable than a chair,” Yugyeom volunteered in his candied voice.

Jaebum glanced at Jinyoung who was opening his lips to say something, but Jackson cut in.

“Don’t make Jaebum squeeze in where there is so little place,” Jackson said from his spot on an armchair, “come on, Jaebum, it will be way better with me in here.”

Before he could answer, Bambam caught his wrist and pulled on it without a word, but with a very unambiguous expression. He was unsure what to do, and they were noisy now, Jackson and Yugyeom not letting Jinyoung say a word with their bickering. None of them noticed Youngjae when he stood up from the other armchair.

“Hyung,” he said, approaching him, “would you like to sit in my place?”

Jaebum was unsure about his meaning. It didn’t seem like Youngjae, to pick him up in the obvious way others did.

“But where will you –“

Youngjae took two steps back and sat on Jinyoung’s lap, whose arms went around his waist instantly.

“I will be fine, don’t worry,” he said, glaring at Yugyeom and Jackson.

So Jaebum freed himself from the hold of Bambam’s hand and sat in the armchair. Not that it helped when Mark come over later, and he sat right next to Jaebum in the small space, their sides flush to each other. It wasn’t that he would have objected, really, to sitting on anyone’s lap or stuff like that. He was just worried Jinyoung would have minded. He wasn’t sure what was too flirty according to Jinyoung.

***

Jaebum knew that this fascination with Jinyoung’s love life was bizarre and possibly crossing the boundaries. But he wanted to understand, he wanted to see the machinations that drove those feelings. He wasn’t sure what he had to see to gain this understanding: did he have to comprehend Jinyoung’s personality better? Did he have to know his lovers more? Did he have to know how the connection between them worked?

He tried to judge and recognize love by contrast, observed Mark. He didn’t see it, besides the obvious difference that Mark and Jinyoung slept with each other, which he also didn’t see personally but was only aware of.

But aside from the bedroom Mark treated Jinyoung pretty much like a friend. They had similar interests, him and Jinyoung, although Jinyoung didn’t like to play games half as much. But they both apparently liked to play chess, and they were playing it on the floor of the living room, while Jaebum and Jackson chatted.

Jaebum understood only the basic moves of the pieces, strategies were alien to him, and just thinking about it made his brain hurt. But it was fun to watch Jinyoung lose betting money most of the time because Mark was apparently very good at this game too.

At first, Jaebum tried to judge the difference between the way Mark looked at Jinyoung and Jackson. But, while he didn’t exactly treat them in the same way, there was still the same warm atmosphere, his eyes shone with the same happiness with both of them. Jaebum realized this attempt was doomed to fail because Mark probably loved Jackson as well.

He attempted, instead, to assess the difference in the way Mark looked at them compared to him. It didn’t work, he still couldn’t place it. He and Mark were friends, Mark had said so himself, of course he would still be warm towards him. How to separate it from love, Jaebum didn’t know, he gave up trying to understand love in this way.

***

It was strange to be in this gigantic opera when there were no people here. Youngjae promised to show him around and he was certainly making good on his word, though, when they came to the stage, he felt as if someone was a moment away from kicking him out.

When he closed his eyes he imagined thunderous claps of the audience, the lights of reflectors on him, the people standing up in ovation. When he opened them, it was quiet and empty once again.

“How does it feel? To perform in front of all these people?” he asked instead. Maybe it wasn’t quite as grand as it seemed from up here.

“It feels great,” Youngjae answered, approaching to stand by his side and looking down as well, “I never get tired of it. But when I’m performing, I barely remember that so many people are watching. I just feel the music.”

“You certainly seem to be in the character,” Jaebum answered. He had seen Youngjae’s performances more than once now, and he was always astounded.

“Have you never performed on stage?” Youngjae asked suddenly.

Jaebum snorted.

“In kindergarten maybe. What would I even do, on a stage?”

Youngjae opened his mouth and closed it. He must have realized that Jaebum led a completely different life from him, of course he never performed anywhere. You had to be someone to do that.

When they went to sit down in the audience, Youngjae told him that this theater was where he and Jinyoung had met. 

“I had just came back after two years in Italy, performing ‘La Bohème.’ After I went backstage, an assistant handed me a bouquet of lilacs with a card addressed to ‘the magnificent Rodolfo’ written in beautiful calligraphy and said some handsome guy paid her a thousand to get it to me. I was intrigued. I had received flowers before, of course, but never in such a way. But when I asked her where the guy was she said he was already gone.”

Jaebum listened with interest. There was a book in Jinyoung’s library about the language of flowers, he vowed to check the meaning of it later. He could almost imagine Youngjae’s past feelings, the enthrall of it.

“My next performance I was all nervous if the guy would show up again. I asked the assistant to invite him backstage if he approached her.”

“And he did?”

“Yes, he did. The first time I saw Jinyoung it was from behind a large bouquet of white camellias and a kind smile. It is still fresh in my mind. He asked me out to dinner.”

“I get the idea of a perfect gentleman out of this story.”

“I did too, at first. To be honest, it was just curiosity that made me agree, I had never been with anyone before, my whole life was just practice and music and more practice,” Youngjae said, his face bright, “which suited me fine, there was nothing I loved more than music. But it was new, to be picked up by a guy, and in such an old-fashioned way. I thought that it would end with one dinner, that I was going to get disappointed.”

“I gather that didn’t happen.”

“I expected our date to be tedious and covered with niceties and basic questions. But boring is the last thing Jinyoung could be.”

Jaebum could agree with that. He had never been bored in Jinyoung’s company, even when they did nothing at all.

“I was often annoyed that with people, you can’t really say what you think. At a certain age we become embarrassed saying anything meaningful, we hide the fact we have feelings and thoughts or else risk sounding ridiculous. We must cover everything with dull conversation to seem normal. I did that too, played at small talk, even though in my mind I always thought I was wasting time for soulless things.”

Jaebum stared at him. Youngjae always managed to astonish him with his words.

“But Jinyoung, he discussed with me his thoughts about art, about life, openly. I was charmed despite myself and the distance I usually kept with strangers was gone right away,” Youngjae turned to him with a wide smile, “so imagine my disappointment when the word ‘boyfriend’ passed Jinyoung’s lips. Then when I learned he actually had two, it should have made me walk away but –“

“Let me guess, you were intrigued?”

“Jinyoung is extraordinary. I couldn’t just let us part ways, so when he was bidding me goodbye I asked him to meet again.”

“And you don’t mind it? That Jinyoung isn’t just yours?”

“I’m not just Jinyoung’s either,” Youngjae said softly, “my time and soul will always belong to what I do, to art.”

Jaebum thought long about those words. From all of them, Youngjae seemed to him to be the most mismatched to this kind of relationship. He showed his feelings to Jinyoung openly, but he was not like the others when it came to flirting. But he was starting to understand, a little bit, how Youngjae felt and that in truth, he was the most unconventional out of all of them.

***

One relationship that he would rather not learn too much about was Jinyoung’s and Bambam’s. Whether it was because of his own relationship with Bambam or just that Bambam’s life philosophy was too convoluted, he wasn’t sure. They were all different from each other, but he felt that if he were to use some quantifying measure to Jinyoung’s lovers, Youngjae would be at one end of the spectrum, and Bambam on another, from the least to the most extreme.

The fact Jaebum was involved with Bambam was the problem here. With all the others he was to some point an outsider, he recognized that they were parts of his own life now, but not in the same sense as Bambam. And while they were all observant, he felt none of them saw him with the clarity Bambam had, and that made it very difficult for him.

Mostly, he knew that whether he wanted to or not, Bambam would drag him into some form of a love triangle. Well, possibly not that, as there were too many variables in the whole situation, but Jaebum knew, the moment they had touched each other, he was no longer looking from a distance when it came to that side. And Bambam was not playing the same game as the rest of them, he was beyond that.

But the truly problematic thing about all this was the fact that Bambam was a highly sensual creature, and he knew that Jaebum was also obsessed with bodily pleasures, and there laid a clear suggestion there that Jinyoung was the same.

Jinyoung was, of course, very scholarly and educated when faced with such suggestions. If a man could turn sleeping with five guys into some representation of freedom, he really could explain everything in a more palatable way.

“To the body belong sensations, to the soul, appetites, to the intelligence, principles.” Jinyoung threw in suddenly in a conversation between Jackson and Yugyeom, who were, for some unfathomable reason, discussing how much a normal person thinks about sex and how little it is talked about.

Bambam raised his brow at that. Jaebum had a firm resolution not to get involved in the discussion but he couldn’t stop himself now.

“I’m pretty sure you are giving this quote a completely different meaning than the Stoic one. And did you really just quote Marcus Aurelius to explain why we talk about sex less than we think about it?”

He understood Jinyoung’s connotation, he knew he meant to say that what stopped people from giving in to their natural impulses, was intelligence. He felt that there was a denunciation of his person in this sentence somewhere.

“I did,” Jinyoung said with a satisfied smile, “and you recognized it.”

“Nerds,” Bambam summarized with a heavy sigh.

Which was a funny thing to call someone who barely passed his classes for skipping. Jinyoung had been top of his class, with how varied his knowledge was from being well-read to having great analytical skills and a degree in Programming. They would never have been in the same school, but if they ever met, they would probably not even exchange a word.

Jaebum was never smart enough for all the learning, and especially in the sciences. He didn’t like history, political sciences, any of those. He only really ever enjoyed Korean and Japanese classes. He did appreciate books, but he read mostly because he liked stories. When it came to philosophy and theoretical stuff, he knew a lot of things from the internet, but he remembered phrases not for the knowledge they carried but because they sounded pretty. Poetry was the same, he liked it because the words made beautiful puzzles not because they were deep. The most beautiful form of poetry for him were song lyrics.

Jinyoung had a distorted vision of him, he thought Jaebum was more learned than in reality, and Jaebum had his hand in maintaining this opinion. He read a lot more in here than he ever had occasion in his previous life. One reason was that he had more time, another that he had a very well-stocked library at hand. That was an excuse. In reality, he just really wanted to understand the way Jinyoung’s mind worked, wanted to read the books he had read, to know the things he knew, and see his world. Jinyoung was very keen on conversing about literature, but the way he talked about it always left Jaebum wondering. Jinyoung didn’t just read books, he took parts of them and pondered over them in ways Jaebum would have never even thought of. He implemented words, philosophies, knowledge, into his own perspective in the most intriguing ways.

This twisting of ideas and concepts, Jinyoung’s peculiar intellect, Jaebum didn’t think to implement into his side-quest of understanding love. He didn’t expect the answer Jackson gave him when he asked him a simple question while they were eating grilled meat, Jaebum exhausted after Jackson made him jump rope to ‘improve his footwork’ apparently.

“What do you love the most about Jinyoung?” he asked this of others before, with the exception of Bambam. Yugyeom’s answer was that he loved when Jinyoung got irritated, but he also loved him when he was kind. Mark said he just loved spending time with him. Youngjae loved Jinyoung’s originality.

“That’s a hard question. What do I not love about Jinyoung?” Jackson answered with a laugh.

That also went along with what the others said at first, they often said they loved all of him, and only when he asked them for one of the details, they came up with something.

“What made you like him at first?”

“My opinion of Jinyoung is so much changed since the time we met, that I’m sure I fell in love with him for completely different reasons than why the love remained. But one thing that strongly stands out to me is his internal conflict.”

“Conflict?”

That was not a thing Jaebum thought anybody would say they liked about their lover.

“Jinyoung is constantly torn between wanting to be perfect and wanting to be true to himself. He sees us and loves us with our flaws, but when it comes to his own imperfections, it’s harder for him to see their beauty, although they make him so different. He is the most singular person I have met.”

Jaebum smiled. Jinyoung was remarkable, he could agree with that readily.

“You’re similar to him,” Jackson said.

He startled, not understanding the sentence.

“You berate yourself for things that make you unusual.”

“I’m not –“

“But in truth,” Jackson said with a sly smile, “Jinyoung is a much better seducer.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Jaebum answered stubbornly, not appreciating being called out for the things he did, was still sometimes doing, to an extent he thought Jinyoung wouldn’t mind.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, you are a very good player. But I doubt you could reach the level of effortless manipulation that Jinyoung has. None of us stood a chance.”

“That’s not true,” Jaebum felt compelled to defend. Jinyoung was the best person he knew, even if they disagreed on certain things.

“Isn’t it? Think about it, Jinyoung didn’t even have to play the kissing game, and he still won.”

“That was because of me. I did that.”

“Not without reason,” Jackson countered immediately, “if there is someone who can accurately guess the needs of others, it is Jinyoung.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Open your eyes, Jaebum. Being idealized might be nice for a while, but it’s not really what Jinyoung wants. He deserves nothing less than being recognized for who he is.”

“It doesn’t feel like you’ve been praising him. ‘Manipulation’ sounds harsh.”

“Like I said, you’re similar to him,” Jackson said with a smirk that annoyed Jaebum, “you ask a lot of questions about Jinyoung, you want to understand him, don’t you? Well, I think if you chose you could glimpse behind the curtains and see Jinyoung’s mastery. You just don’t want to.”

***

Jaebum was surprised when Yugyeom asked if he wouldn’t like to meet his crew, though he agreed almost without thinking. That was how he ended with a bunch of University students drinking cheap beer and squashed between a girl with purple hair and the guy that had shouted to Yugyeom that one time. From that time the guy had apologized profusely and seemed to warm up to Jaebum right away, offering him beer and whatnot. The girl had a hand on his thigh now, but she did seem pretty drunk, and anyway, it wasn’t that Jaebum minded.

He was afraid he would feel very left-out here, but these were normal people compared to Jackson, Bambam, or Jinyoung. They were certainly not as poor as he had been at their age, but there was something easy about being with them, especially a few drinks in when he managed to relax.

“So you never went to Uni?” the boy asked, his eyes still pretty focused despite all the drinking.

“No, I went to work right after school.”

“What do you do now, hyung?” the purple-haired girl asked.

“I’m Yugyeom’s boyfriend’s housekeeper,” Jaebum answered. They seemed to know about Jinyoung so he guessed he didn’t need to lie.

“Which boyfriend, the older one, or the Thai blond?”

“I told you guys, Bambam is not my boyfriend,” Yugyeom answered standing up from the couch, “we’re just really good friends.”

“Yeah, friends who –“

“Shut up,” he told the girl and stood up from the cushion on the floor, “who’s up for some dancing? You all look like you could do with some exercise.”

Jaebum watched at first, declining the invitation to dance along. It was dark here, the only light from lamps covered with red drapes. The whole room had a lot of red in it, a lot of furnishings that looked sort of indie. He wondered if the parents of the girl who lived here were some kind of hippies.

Yugyeom was their leader apparently, and even now, when they were just dancing for fun, most of them drunk, he could see why. He was positively radiant, the way he moved his body capturing, and Jaebum couldn’t look away, which aided the purple-haired girl in surprising him and dragging him to the middle of the living room. It would normally be embarrassing to dance with a whole lot of dance students, but they were all chilled out, this wasn’t a competition or a show.

It was hot, too many bodies close to him, the buzz of alcohol making him drowsy, the girl dancing very close to him. She was rather sexy, with a pretty face and round body, but Jaebum thought nothing of her. The only person in this room he was aware of was Yugyeom, and that was why he noticed right away when the other left.

He found Yugyeom sitting on the porch, a cloud of smoke visible from behind his wide shoulders.

“Will you share with me?” Jaebum said, sitting down next to him.

“You smoke, hyung?” Yugyeom asked passing him his own cigarette.

“Not really,” Jaebum answered taking a long drag, “not since high school.”

“Me too, I only do that occasionally at parties,” Yugyeom added quickly.

“You scared I will tell Jinyoung on you?” Jaebum shot back with a grin.

“It’s not like Jinyoung can tell me what to do,” Yugyeom said with a pout, “but he doesn’t like smoking, so I’d be thankful if we kept it between ourselves.”

“Keeping secrets from Jinyoung now,” he chuckled, “I can’t get over the fact that I thought you looked innocent when I met you.”

“Well, I didn’t want to intimidate you. I mean, you were to meet Bambam, I thought it was better to make you feel safe. Although, you and Bambam seem to be on pretty good terms now,” Yugyeom’s said with apparent suggestion.

“Do you all know about it?” Jaebum inquired with embarrassment.

“I’m not sure the others do but Bambam is my best friend, of course I know.”

“Best friend,” Jaebum said, pondering it, “have you slept with each other?”

“Yeah,” Yugyeom answered without hesitation, “still do, sometimes.”

“And you still call him your friend? But you call Jinyoung a boyfriend.”

“Bambam is my friend. Besides, he doesn’t do boyfriends. Not me, not Jinyoung, or you, or whoever he fancies at a given moment. He says he hates the idea of being tied down by someone.”

Jaebum nodded. He figured that much himself, that was why it was simple with Bambam. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Bambam was not in love with Jinyoung, but he had been certain that he could also play without feelings getting in the way. Although he was becoming less certain of that the more time he spent with Bambam.

“How did you quit smoking?” Yugyeom changed the topic, the cigarette back in his large hand and going between his soft-looking lips.

“It was too expensive.”

When Jaebum moved out of his father’s house, he cut down on all unnecessary expenses.

“That doesn’t seem to stop a lot of people.”

“I always found good food more pleasurable than alcohol and nicotine,” Jaebum answered taking another drag, “I preferred to spend my money on that.”

“If someone cooks as well as you, the food is definitely more satisfying,” Yugyeom said, his tone peculiar on the word, “but tell me, do you find it better than other pleasures too?”

Jaebum stared at him and Yugyeom smiled toothily.

“So sorry, hyung,” he said, his voice turning sweet again, “it seems I drank too much.”

“You’re the soberest person in here,” Jaebum had seen how little Yugyeom had drunk, and that his eyes were still focused.

“More than you, definitely,” Yugyeom answered, his fingers going to Jaebum’s cheek and turning his face more in his direction, “your pupils are very dilated, hyung.”

Jaebum had enough alcohol and nicotine in his system to lull him, but he doubted that was the only thing making his pupils dilated. Yugyeom took his hand away and Jaebum knew that the other wasn’t going to do anything. He knew he invited this when he licked his lower lip and moved closer, took the cigarette from Yugyeom’s hand, and put it out on the stone steps.

“No,” he said, gazing at Yugyeom.

“No’ what?” Yugyeom answered, his gaze fixed on Jaebum’s face. His body was moving closer, but so slowly it was almost imperceptible.

“No, I don’t find food more satisfying than all pleasures,” Jaebum said.

Yugyeom took in a sharp breath. He seemed to be looking for something in Jaebum’s eyes and he seemed to have found it when he started leaning down. Jaebum had plenty of time to back out before their lips touched, but only when they did, only when he felt the rush, his mind decided to remind him of Jinyoung’s words. He moved away a little and Yugyeom didn’t try to follow him, backed out right away.

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum said, unable to look at him. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to stop himself if he saw his face.

“Don’t be sorry, hyung,” Yugyeom answered, his voice light.

“I need to go,” Jaebum told him, still incapable of looking up.

“Don’t drive, I’ll call you a cab.”

Of course, Jaebum had to forget Bambam was not at home, but at Jinyoung’s apartment tonight. It was a blessing that he knew the code to the door, he couldn’t face Jinyoung right now. He had hoped that Bambam would help exhaust the undying tension inside him, but at least he had a place to sleep for the night. The cats greeted him with their meows, and he gave them a few pats before heading to the kitchen. He found champagne in Bambam’s fridge. He wasn’t sure how expensive it was, but he didn’t see other alcohol, so the probably outrageously costly drink had to do.

He drunk it straight from the bottle and he danced to the music of the TV, imagined Yugyeom, his tall frame and joyful smile, dancing along with him. He wished he had done that, he liked to feel Yugyeom’s body close. He wished he hadn’t backed out when Yugyeom kissed him and that he wasn’t alone now. But this solitude was the only thing that could protect him from giving in to his impulses. He wasn’t quite so drunk to do something rash, but drunk enough to consider all the possibilities and crave them. He fell asleep before he even finished the whole bottle.

It was afternoon when he managed to move off the couch. He took a shower, fed the cats, made himself breakfast, tidied up, and by the time he returned to the apartment, he was presentable.

Jinyoung greeted him in the kitchen, without asking where he was all morning. Bambam did ask, so he informed him his cats already ate.

“You should have come here,” Bambam said, and his eyes suggesting he could work out why Jaebum didn’t.

“I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“You never disturb me,” Jinyoung said quickly, “this is your home.”

Jaebum wasn’t sure if Jinyoung didn’t know what Bambam and he were talking about, or if he was just pretending. Jackson’s words still rung in his mind. Jinyoung was the smartest person he knew, and that made him think if what he construed as Jinyoung being oblivious was just him choosing to ignore it.

“Anyway, it’s good that you’re here,” Bambam cut in, his smile already telling Jaebum something was going on, “my mom sent me these sweets over, they’re really good.”

When Bambam had said he would make them try, Jaebum didn’t predict he would do so by taking the sweet into his mouth and passing it to Jinyoung with his tongue. Jinyoung was right next to Jaebum, and he was too shocked by this to move away and do anything else than stare at their mouths over each other, the way Jinyoung’s cheek hollowed making the movements inside obvious. Jinyoung seemed surprised as well, but he allowed Bambam to do it.

Jaebum managed to take his eyes away only when they separated. He could see in the corner of his eye that Bambam was taking another sweet in his mouth and he thought it was time for him to go. But before he could do that he had lips on his and a tongue prying them open. He stared wide at Bambam, but the other closed his eyes, swallowed his noise of protest and proceeded to dissolve the sweet between their moving tongues. Jaebum clenched his eyes shut. He could, maybe, push Bambam away, but the hands that went to Bambam’s chest were weakened by the sugary taste and the heat. The need he felt yesterday wasn’t gone, and Bambam managed to wake it up in seconds.

When he finally let him go, Jaebum was out of breath, his body leaden but his senses heightened. He didn’t protest when Bambam moved closer, embraced him. His hands only tightened into fists when Bambam spoke.

“Could you feel Jinyoung’s taste too?” it was a whisper, so close to his ear Jinyoung couldn’t have heard it, but Jaebum looked into his direction terrified either way.

He met Jinyoung’s eyes dead on and a shiver went through him. Jinyoung blinked with surprise but he didn’t stop watching. Jaebum could see with perfect clarity how his eyes widened at the sound Jaebum made when Bambam bit his ear.

He remembered all too well that talk he had with Jinyoung about threesomes, though he wished he didn’t. He was sure he wasn’t the only one feeling the heady atmosphere of the room, and he couldn’t do anything, trapped between Bambam’s touch and Jinyoung’s distance, just wait until somebody did something.

What saved him was the doorbell. It had dispersed the fog, made them all jump. He managed to escape Bambam’s arms to open and he was ready to fucking kiss Jackson in the doorway for choosing to interrupt them now, but that could possibly only ignite the situation, so he reined his enthusiasm in. He really shouldn’t have asked Jinyoung about those threesomes, his imagination was too good to receive such information.


	10. Vita Brevis

Jaebum observed Jackson place his hand on yet another important-looking man’s shoulder while they both laughed heartily at something that had been said.

“Does he have to flirt with everyone in sight?” Jaebum wondered out loud from the table, sipping on some very dry wine.

“If he spotted a rock, he would flirt with it too,” Bambam declared from the seat next to him.

When Bambam had invited him to attend a charity event, of all things, with him, Jaebum was on the point of asking if it was a requirement to bring your own waiter with you. Bambam had managed to maneuver him into it by stroking his curiosity, rightly guessing that Jaebum never had occasion to take part in such a thing. Jinyoung and Yugyeom, who had accompanied Bambam to those kind of things before, warned him that it would be boring, but Bambam was right, it was a new experience, and Jaebum decided to enjoy those while he could. You didn’t always end up sleeping with rich people, better see what they were about.

It was actually quite interesting to watch. The parlor it took place in had a damn crystal chandelier, marble walls, tables with so many dishes and tableware on them, he felt almost like in one of those movies when everything was sparkling and perfect. It wasn’t a ball but most of the women wore long, elegant dresses, all the men were dressed in suits. He had thought the white suit Bambam had made him wear would stand out too much, but it was far from it.

“I can’t believe Jackson accused Jinyoung of being manipulative, when all he does is charm everyone in here,” Jaebum commented, smiling despite himself when Jackson took a kid of some exquisitely dressed lady into his arms, the girl squealing in delight.

“Did he say that?” Bambam asked, turning to him with attention, “well, only someone who knows how to play will recognize it.”

“Do you recognize it?” Jaebum had no doubt that Bambam had no problem with manipulating, if he wanted to do it, “you don’t seem to mingle in here.”

Bambam had spent most of the time by his side, talking only with a few people. He didn’t seem to know everyone, the way Jackson did.

“I’m small fry to them,” Bambam answered, taking a sip of his flashy cocktail, “my family isn’t even half as rich as most people here, I only got invited because the organizer knows me quite well.”

Jaebum ruminated over it. He had considered Bambam extraordinarily wealthy, but then, he also assumed that about Jinyoung at first, and apparently, Jinyoung was of a background that would be considered middle-class at the utmost by people here. They would never have thought to invite him. Only Jackson was affluent enough to be someone in here, and even he was somehow not at the upper category, though according to one man Jaebum talked to, Jackson was definitely ‘going places.’

“It seems that for every rich person, there is an even richer person.”

“The beauty of capitalism,” Bambam commented, “I’m nothing more than a restaurant owner to them, those who even know about me.”

“At least you’re not a housekeeper,” Jaebum said, smiling through his nerves.

“They won’t care, believe me,” Bambam said to calm him down, “most of these people are so self-absorbed they won’t even remember anyone they met here. Well, I guess I’m the same.”

“You’re not –“ Jaebum started to protest, but he shut his mouth when he noticed the organizer, a woman about their age dressed in a lovely red jumpsuit, approaching their table. There was an older woman with her, her face burned by the sun, many wrinkles marring it, her grey hair short, but tidy. She was dressed in an elegant black dress and had on golden jewelry, but she looked different than the other elderly ladies here, less well-maintained. Her hands were not ones that had known no work, Jaebum had heard the stories about her from Bambam. It was in her honour that her granddaughter arranged this event. She had apparently been one of those people who had lived most of their life helping others, had spent half of her fortune on building hospitals in third-world countries, had been over there herself to oversee the process.

Jaebum was anxious to meet both women, so he did what Jackson did, put on an easy smile, acted as if he was not an outsider here. But when Bambam left him to talk with the girl for a moment, and the older lady sat next to him, he couldn’t quite keep it up. She had the hospitable air of a grandmother that made him shy, kind eyes that made him ashamed to pretend to be something he wasn’t.

“Is it your first time in a place like this, dear?” she prompted gently when he failed to come up with another uninspired observation about how nice the room looked.

“Is it that visible?” he sighed.

“Most of us know right away how stifling those can get. You seem fascinated.”

“It’s not my normal scene.”

The woman nodded with a smile.

“I used to be on a lot of those when I was young. Pretty dresses, good food, dashing gentlemen,” she told him with a laugh and he was drawn in, instantly, imagining her as a young lady, similar to her granddaughter, in a grand ballroom, “it was pretty exciting then.”

“Was it hard to give it up, when you left?” Jaebum asked, hoping she would tell him more.

“Oh, I only went away when my husband died. I was fifty at the time, my daughters were all grown up, so I left them their half of the fortune and gone of into the big wide world,” she narrated with amusement, “everyone thought I was so depressed by my dear husband’s death that I had lost my mind,” she looked at him with wide, honest eyes, “to some measure it might have been true. I could not have wished for a better companion.”

Jaebum looked with surprise. She did not seem sad, not one bit, even though she was narrating such heartbreaking events.

“Most people in here don’t realize that I wasn’t the only one helping. It was those that I met that had saved me from grief, by allowing me to think I was doing something useful for the world,” she said jubilantly.

“I imagine it must have been hard, to change your lifestyle completely.”

“It was the best experience I could have gotten,” she answered, “I have lived a happier life than many of the people here because I spent it doing what I wanted.”

Jaebum stared at her. She seemed so sincere towards him, so friendly. His heart hurt when he was reminded of his grandmother.

“You seem like a curious young man,” she said, taking his hand in hers, “don’t lose the excitement. There is much you will experience in your life, I do envy you. One life seems too short,” her smile didn’t turn melancholic with this admission, but Jaebum felt desolate all of a sudden, “do what you like. Don’t think too much. Love your family.”

“I don’t have one,” Jaebum said, his voice almost breaking.

“Make one,” she answered joyously, “I have so many people I would call my family, and most of them are not related to me.”

He felt his eyes stinging. It was a God-given that Jackson came over, he really had perfect timing.

“Granny! Why haven’t you come over to talk to me?” he said with a pout, kissing her hand.

“Hello, Jackson,” she answered in English, “I see you’ve been practicing your Korean.”

“And I’m still horrible at it,” Jackson answered with a laugh, shocking Jaebum. Jackson spoke at least five languages fluently from what Bambam had said, this was just false modesty, “I see you’ve met Jaebum.”

“Oh, you know each other?” she asked, while Jackson brought over the seat and forced it between them, for which Jaebum was thankful. His eyes didn’t start watering only because he was in public and he managed to rein it in, but he wasn’t sure he could speak at the moment.

“I’m going to tell you a secret, granny,” Jackson said, taking Jaebum’s hand, “I am actually terribly in love with him. Alas, my feelings remain unreciprocated,” he recounted with a sigh.

“Oh no,” she responded in the same theatric tone, “how could anyone not love you, Seunie? Jaebum, how can you look at him and not be instantly swept off your feet?” 

When they looked in his direction with expectation, he tried his best to smile, but it must have looked more like a wince, judging from their expression.

“Oh my dear, I’m sorry for upsetting you,” the woman said, and he averted his eyes.

“No, it’s – I’m –“ he tried to say, but it was too breathy.

Jackson squeezed his hand tighter.

“Shh, Jaebum,” his tone was soft but demanding, it was easy to give into it.

Jaebum looked up at him, at his set jaw, his serious expression. He chuckled a little, surprising them. He had never seen Jackson look so serious. But the chuckle almost turned into a sob, so he squeezed Jackson’s hand back tighter, bit on his own lip.

He was focused on not crying so he only distantly heard Jackson call a waiter over and ask him to bring over some chamomile. He held the warm drink in his hands, suddenly reminded of a bench in a park, where a stranger offered him a hot drink. It was in a cheap cup then, not this beautiful porcelain, but he felt the sentiment behind it was the same, the warmth was the same.

He sipped on it slowly, Jackson keeping close to him, his hand on Jaebum’s back as he talked with the lady, their voices a buzz in his mind. There arrived another hand on him, touching the side of his face gently. He turned to see Bambam, peering at him with his usual sharpness.

“Do you want to get out of here, hyung?” Bambam asked, his thumb massaging Jaebum’s temple lightly, making his eyes close momentarily, “I can take you to my house. Or to Jinyoung. Whatever you want.”

“I’m fine,” Jaebum managed to say. The chamomile had calmed him down, as did Jackson’s and Bambam’s touch, “just don’t leave me alone, for a moment.”

A look crossed Bambam’s face that he had never seen before, his finger trembling on Jaebum’s temple.

“I’m sorry I left, I shouldn’t have –“ Bambam started, but Jaebum stopped him, taking the hand into his.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Jaebum assured, “I don’t need you to be here all the time. I just need it now.”

Bambam settled down.

“Okay, I can do that,” he ensured, glancing behind him, “you can go back to being the life of the party, Jackson.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jackson threw back, and when Jaebum looked at him, he seemed almost insulted, “Beomie wants me here too, don’t you?”

“Beomie?” he answered, trying to hold off the quickly forming smile. The older lady sniggered openly from behind them.

“You don’t like it?” Jackson asked, his face moving close with his puppy dog eyes.

“No, it’s fine.”

He returned well past midnight and fell right asleep. When he woke up, Yugyeom was there in the kitchen, humming a melody in a shortish bathrobe that belonged to Jinyoung. It was such a soothing sight, that Jaebum forgot all about the fact he was a little wary of Yugyeom after what happened and walked up to him, hugged him from behind.

“Jaebum?” Yugyeom asked with an amused exhale.

“Hi,” Jaebum said, hiding his nose in the bathrobe.

“Hi?” the laughed reply made his heart lighter.

Yugyeom turned around in his arms, but he didn’t let Jaebum let him go, hugged him back. Jaebum heard Jinyoung’s steps, and he glanced to see him looking pensively at the scene. Jaebum took one of his hands off Yugyeom’s back and extended it in Jinyoung’s direction, silently beckoning him to come over.

Jinyoung stepped over slowly, cautiously, but Yugyeom suddenly dragged him into the hug, and there was nothing left for Jinyoung to do than put one of his hands on Jaebum’s back, the other on Yugyeom’s.

“This is a little weird,” he commented, his hand going up and down on Jaebum’s back in a hypnotizing manner.

It did feel a little odd to just stand in the middle of the kitchen hugging two people, but it was also incredibly warm. Jaebum was reminded how, not long ago, he had gathered his courage to ask Mark about how all those relationships worked in a straight-forward way.

“Did you all sleep with each other?” he said, and Mark just glanced at him from the monster he was trying to kill in the game.

“I don’t know everything. I can only guess in some cases.”

“Can I ask?” Jaebum hesitated.

“Depends,” Mark answered, pausing the game, “can I?”

“Bambam,” Jaebum answered and Mark nodded. Was it that evident?

“Obviously, I’m with Jinyoung, and Jackson,” Mark said, his gaze unwavering, “but I slept with Yugyeom and Bambam, too.”

Jaebum had stopped himself from asking if any of them had ever widened their activities beyond threesomes.

“What about Youngjae?” he asked instead, not really able to prevent his inquisitiveness.

Mark pondered this as if the answer wasn’t on the yes to no spectrum.

“No, I haven’t slept with Youngjae,” Mark answered still in his thoughts, “actually, I think Youngjae had never slept with anyone besides Jinyoung. But it doesn’t matter. He belongs with us, whether we sleep together or not. As do you.”

“But I’m not Jinyoung’s lover.”

“As I said,” Mark said, starting the game again, “it doesn’t matter.”

He didn’t understand at all, what Mark could have meant by that. But maybe he was starting to get it, a little bit.

***

Jaebum had first seen the tattoo’s on Mark’s arms and he was instantly drawn in. He had witnessed all of his five tattoos by now, Mark had gladly showed them to him. He had left kisses on Bambam’s tattoos by now too, licked the trail of every letter of his ‘King’ tattoo, of the roman numerals of his birth year. He was amazed and keyed up when he asked Yugyeom to show him his tattoos, of which he saw only glimpses before, and the other simply took off his shirt. The wings and cross on his back made Jaebum’s fingers itch with the need to touch, as did the star dandelion on his side, as did all of them, in truth. He just really wanted to touch Yugyeom and the black marks didn’t help him withhold that desire.

He didn’t stop himself this time, his finger tracing the ‘Ars’ of Youngjae’s tattoo gingerly. It was normal to touch someone’s tattoo, right? And this one was on the arm, so it was probably nothing. However, it didn’t feel like nothing, so he took his hand away.

“It’s beautiful,” he said, unable to take his eyes of Youngjae’s skin, “it suits you.”

He was surprised when Yugyeom had told him that Youngjae had tattoos too, but they really did fit the image, and now, Jaebum couldn’t envision Youngjae’s arms without them.

“Thank you,” Youngjae said, regretfully covering his arm, “is it enough rest? Do you want to go again?”

Jaebum nodded. They had been at it for hours, but he felt energized, so he put on the headphones and approached the microphone once more.

He was very confused when Youngjae asked if he wouldn’t borrow him his voice. When he remained baffled, Youngjae had assured that it was only a few lines, an echo really, and that he didn’t have to be nervous. Asked why, he answered that Jaebum’s voice would contrast with his well, and that was what the song needed.

Obviously, Jaebum wasn’t good enough for such undertakings, and Youngjae had made him sing it, again and again. To tell the truth, despite the tiredness and Youngjae’s probable disappointment, he had loads of fun. After half a day spent in the studio, Youngjae had deemed it adequate enough.

“Do you have a pseudonym I could use?” Youngjae asked, his eyes on the screen.

“What for?”

“To add you as a collaborator?”

Jaebum laughed in answer.

“I only sang a few lines,” he said amused, “and very badly, judging from how many times you made me do that.”

Youngjae stood up and looked into his eyes with a strange urgency.

“That’s not true,” he denied swiftly, “it’s normal to record something many times if you want it to be perfect.”

Jaebum doubted that would be necessary in Youngjae’s case, but he assented to placate the other.

“Still, it was only a few lines and murmurs, I don’t think you have to –“

“Humor me,” Youngjae cut in, “came on, if you don’t tell me, I will use your name.”

Jaebum thought for a moment, but he didn’t really have to look hard. There was one name he had signed his naïve poems from primary school days with, it could do.

“’Defsoul’, then. Or ‘Def’, if you’d like it shorter.”

Well, it would go along with the name ‘Ars’ quite well.


	11. Appetites

Jaebum was certain that to some point people knew they would do something way before they decided to do it. All the mistakes, all of it, it was usually already fixed in the mind, and it was just fake hesitance before people gave in. Actually, he was almost sure everyone lied to themselves, and to others, that they wouldn’t do something, and even kind of meant it, but their minds knew. Everyone had enough intuition to predict what they would do in a given situation.

Jaebum indeed knew that something would happen with Yugyeom, probably even before they kissed. Perhaps it was from that moment they danced in the club. Possibly it was from the moment he thought Yugyeom’s looks were uncommon and captivating. It could be anything really, but his mind knew he had little chance. Things that were set into motion didn’t just stop, as Bambam loved to remind him.

There was something old-school about the way Yugyeom looked and dressed, something attractively retro. Not in the same way Jinyoung was classy, or Youngjae felt like there was an ageless depth to him, not this melancholic heaviness, but rather a joyous memory that made one think of parties and having fun, of dancing and forgetting oneself. And now that it had gotten warmer, Yugyeom started wearing a black leather jacket with small spikes on the collar, which honestly, made him look as if he walked straight out of a music video. It was ridiculous that Jaebum was so moved by the sight, when it was a trick that Bambam had told him to use, against Yugyeom. Well, look at him now.

Jaebum made every effort not to let things be awkward between him and Yugyeom after that incomplete kiss. Yugyeom was indulging him by acting as if nothing happened, and so Jaebum still did take him to University when he could. This time, he was supposed to take him out of the University, as Bambam had invited all of them to a private testing of his new restaurant, and Jinyoung was still working.

Jaebum got bored of waiting by the car after Yugyeom had written he was detained and asking for a moment. By accident, he met a guy from Yugyeom’s crew that told him how to reach the classroom Yugyeom was in.

An older woman passed him when he was going in and Yugyeom explained she was the professor that wanted to talk to him and apologized for being late.

Jaebum watched the room with curiosity. It looked just like an ordinary classroom.

“Do you have a lot of theoretical subjects?” he asked, looking out the window on the students roaming the outside in packs.

“Some,” Yugyeom answered approaching from the side and looking at him, “the professor you passed teaches the history of dance.”

“What for?”

“That’s a question a lot of us ask ourselves,” Yugyeom replied with a chuckle.

Jaebum could imagine it, falling asleep on a boring lecture, bitching about it in one of those groups that he saw down by the exit, getting excited about oncoming vacation.

“Do you regret it, hyung?” Yugyeom spoke up, “not going to University?”

That was never an option for Jaebum.

“Not really,” he looked back at Yugyeom, “I hated school, I don’t think being in it longer would be fun.”

There wasn’t really anything he had been dreaming of studying. He admired studious people in the books he read. In them, seeking knowledge seemed romantic, but the reality of it was boring, routine. He didn’t have the patience for it, didn’t see the point.

Of course, Yugyeom’s studies were different. A lot of his time was spent doing what he loved – dancing. That was maybe what Jaebum envied a bit, but he also didn’t think one needed University to do it.

“A lot of being in University is just about spending time with my friends, I guess,” Yugyeom answered.

That too could be done without studies, though Jaebum didn’t have that many friends in the first place.

“Hanging out with your friends the other night was fun,” Jaebum admitted.

Yugyeom smiled under his nose.

“Really? You kind of escaped.”

Jaebum was startled by the reminder.

“Though I guess it was my fault,” Yugyeom added with a soft voice.

“No, Yugyeom,” he was quick to correct, “it was my fault. I can’t control myself.”

Yugyeom glanced at him, amused.

“I wish that were true.”

Jaebum’s turned his gaze away. Yugyeom’s relaxed attitude about this was throwing him off-balance.

“I guess my unsubtle flirting isn’t that good,” Yugyeom said with a smile still, “I’m sorry. I really like you, hyung, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know I go overboard sometimes.”

Jaebum should remain silent, he knew he really should.

“I like you, too.”

“It’s alright, we can stay friends. I’m not going to –“

“Yugyeom,” Jaebum turned to him, “I meant it. I like you, more than a friend.”

He ought to have lied but he couldn’t. Yugyeom was honest about his feelings, he deserved the same back, however much that would be ‘giving him hope’ according to Jinyoung.

Yugyeom’s lips straightened out from his smile.

“But you rejected me,” he said, his eyes searching, “I thought you were angry at me for kissing you when you were drunk.”

Jaebum closed his eyes. Angry was the last of the feelings he had for Yugyeom that night, at himself he was furious, but for Yugyeom he felt only pleasant things.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom’s voice was closer now, which made Jaebum open his eyes, and Yugyeom stopped moving, pinned in place by his eyes, “can I kiss you now? Can I kiss you in the future? Tell me.”

“I’m not supposed to break your heart,” Jaebum whispered, his guard already lowered.

At that Yugyeom’s smile returned, a disbelieving, unsymmetrical smile that punched Jaebum in the gut with its attractiveness. Yugyeom was freed from his paralyzed state and moved closer still.

“I’m young,” he said with a chuckle, “I will recover. By all means, break my heart.”

“Yugyeom –“

He was surprised with the kiss, not because he didn’t know it would happen, but by the relief that came over his body when he could stop talking and transmit his emotions in ways he knew better. It took him only a moment to let go, to go deeper into it, shutting off the Jinyoung that lived in his mind to reprimand him, somewhere out of consciousness. His hands went around Yugyeom’s arms, his whole body getting closer as he licked the velvety inside of his mouth.

Yugyeom’s hands were only going along his back but he felt every touch intensified, every finger that caressed him, Yugyeom’s lips, tongue, teeth. His sensitivity went up, he was unsure if it was of the public place they were in or the fact that he wanted Yugyeom so much.

When Yugyeom parted from him, their breaths were already heavy.

“Wow,” Yugyeom exclaimed in a hushed tone, but Jaebum didn’t let him say anything else, reclaiming his lips with more force than before, which in turn made Yugyeom more eager, their mouths opening wide over each other, Jaebum rotating his head more to the side to let them move deeper into each other. His heart was somewhere in his throat, the pulse audible in his head as he tasted more of Yugyeom, put his hand on the back of his neck to disallow his moving back.

It could have been hours, it could have been seconds, without ever moving too far from each other, never letting their bodies be without touch, glued together. Jaebum’s body understood on its own when Yugyeom moved forward, and his feet took him back until he collided with a desk, but the only thing he did was rest against it and pull Yugyeom closer with the hand on the back of his neck.

He was too keyed up for the place they were in but the feel of Yugyeom, his taste, and smell, they didn’t let him keep his excitement to a proper level that kissing should provoke. He groaned when Yugyeom pulled away, the other forcing his hands off, and Jaebum watched in confusion as Yugyeom went to the door. The sound of the lock was incredibly loud in this silence.

Jaebum stared the whole way Yugyeom made back to him, and he could see that there was something predatory in his gaze and smile, in the line of his shoulders. Yugyeom was no kid now but a man that was definitely able to make Jaebum tremble.

It was a weak question but he did manage to speak up when Yugyeom returned to peck the corner of his mouth.

“What are you doing?” another kiss interrupted it, “we’re in a classroom.”

“It’s locked,” Yugyeom answered with cunning eyes, “I’ll make it quick.”

“What?” Jaebum managed to say before his lips were reclaimed but not the same way as before. The kisses were less deep, but more energetic, they pushed Jaebum further back, and ultimately Yugyeom just made him half-sit on the desk, with the hands on the backs of his tights. The hands stayed there, squeezing, making Jaebum moan.

Jaebum took Yugyeom’s meaning when the other started leaning down, kissing his neck and collarbone, finally just sinking to his knees before him. Through the excited, shocked noise of his mind, he managed to speak one scandalized word.

“Yugyeom.”

“Do you want to drive in this state?” Yugyeom challenged, embarrassing Jaebum, whose ears were already impossibly hot. It wasn’t that he thought Yugyeom wouldn’t notice, but he didn’t need to bring it to attention so clearly. Jaebum wasn’t a teenager, getting this excited from a make-out session spoke volumes about his poor impulse control.

“Please, hyung,” Yugyeom’s voice took on its sweet, begging tone, which was a heresy when he was kneeling there, “Can I?’’

That was unfair. How could he ever deny it if Yugyeom asked so nicely? He only needed to nod for Yugyeom to beam at him, followed by unwrapping him of his trousers, letting them pool down, and stop at his shoes.

He left him in his underwear still, his fingers and tongue playing with his edges and Jaebum felt betrayed.

“You said you would be quick,” he chastised in a harsh voice.

Yugyeom laughed lightly.

“How impatient,” he answered, starting to work on disrobing him off his boxers, letting the material of it drag against the head of his cock before it was uncovered to the air. Still, Yugyeom was teasing, when he leaned down his lips went to the place his hip and abdomen met, sucking there, almost painfully. Jaebum let out a sound louder than he should in such a place.

“You’re very sensitive, aren’t you, hyung?” Yugyeom commented with a smirk.

It sounded like praise, but it really shouldn’t, considering that his sensitiveness made him desperate enough to let Yugyeom suck him off in a classroom. Which he was still not doing, leaving bruises everywhere around it, titillating him beyond reason.

“Yugyeom,” Jaebum said, half-commanding, half-begging.

That did, finally, make Yugyeom move his mouth to his cock, licking the head before closing his lips around it, the suction making Jaebum’s back arch.

“Good boy,” he applauded, though it did the exact opposite of what it should, Yugyeom moving back with a string of saliva connecting him to Jaebum’s member, his gaze up thrown-off.

“Fuck,” he exclaimed, his hand squeezing Jaebum’s thigh harshly, “your voice.”

“What?” he said, in exactly the same tone he used earlier, smiling at Yugyeom’s turmoil.

“You really need to stop that,” Yugyeom said, pulling him closer, “we don’t have the time to do all the things I want to do to you. Cooperate.”

Jaebum laughed, but it was short-lived, getting cut off when Yugyeom put his thigh on his shoulder, holding onto Jaebum’s hips and finally swallowing him down.

Fine, Yugyeom did keep his promise of making it fast, Jaebum unable to last long when Yugyeom really devoted himself to the task of taking him in deep, moving in an unforgiving rhythm. He was sure Yugyeom had tons of practice at this, he was too good.

The ride to Bambam’s new restaurant quietened him down only marginally. That calm disappeared completely when he saw Jinyoung, though Yugyeom was behaving naturally, leaning down to bestow a kiss on his lovers’ lips. But that in turn made all sorts of alarms beep in Jaebum’s head. He knew Yugyeom tasted like bubblegum now, because Yugyeom had kissed him in the car, with the gum still inside his mouth. And now he was kissing Jinyoung which made all kinds of thoughts come to the forefront of his mind.

“You’re so fucking late,” Bambam greeted, waving them to the table with his hand.

“Sorry, my professor stopped me, and Jaebum had to wait,” Yugyeom answered with easiness.

Jaebum was not quite as easy-going and Bambam noticed, his arm thrown around Jaebum’s shoulder on the plush sofa.

“You keep glancing at Yugyeom,” Bambam informed, quietly enough for Youngjae on his other side not to hear it, “causing trouble, hyung?”

Bambam was really the last person who could admonish him for doing anything at all.

“What trouble?” Jaebum pretended not to understand and swallowed his soda.

“I will find out, you know? You can just tell me now.”

Jaebum ignored him and turned to Youngjae to talk about the musical he was in.

He did glance at Yugyeom and the other looked back, his smile warm and joyful. Seeing it would soothe Jaebum if Jinyoung didn’t catch it, at one point looking straight into Jaebum’s eyes, his brows furrowed.

Jaebum quickly decided he wouldn’t be able to face Jinyoung tonight. Mostly because, as far as he remembered, Yugyeom would be in the apartment tonight, and that posed so many dangers he would rather evade it.

He would normally go to Bambam’s place, but Bambam had a flight to Thailand tomorrow morning, and Jaebum didn’t want to be a bother in his preparations. Jackson wasn’t here tonight so he was automatically out of the question. He could go to Youngjae’s place but he knew that that wasn’t what he needed. He had to talk with someone about this, and he knew where that would take him. Mark agreed readily to let him stay the night, and he even told Jinyoung that he had invited Jaebum over so that it didn’t sound exactly like Jaebum was hiding.

Jaebum really liked Mark’s place. It wasn’t a big apartment compared to Jinyoung’s, it was all open too, and had a very simple feel to it, almost raw, with grey walls, only necessary furniture in dark colours, sharp edges giving it the idea of a roughness. There were a lot of electronics inside, the cables left on the floor in heaps, and one had to be careful not to step on them. It didn’t really have many accessories that were not games: two photo frames with members of Mark’s family, a gold medal for sports accomplishments. Despite not being a basement apartment, it had a feel of one, but not in a way that made you feel the owner was poor, certainly not with the huge gaming space and three monitors merged into one.

Jaebum couldn’t speak about this right away and so he played some games with Mark, let himself be killed spectacularly many times. Only after, he told Mark everything, from Jinyoung warning him not to hurt his lovers to what happened today with Yugyeom, what he thought, what he felt, how unstable and confused it stood in his mind and heart. Mark listened to him without offering much comment but he seemed to process it in his mind. Then they played games again, getting tired only when it was past three in the morning, at which point they fell back into the bed heavily. When he turned his head to the side, Mark was staring at him with a peculiar expression.

“What?” Jaebum asked, his voice breaking a bit on the word.

“This is so strange,” Mark started, his words pensive, “outwardly, you and Jinyoung are not similar at all, but there is a synchronicity to you two. A shared space.”

“I don’t understand,” Jaebum answered. He and Jinyoung were as far from each other as the sun and the moon in terms of resemblance.

“The first time I met Jinyoung,” Mark said, his gaze unfocused, “after two hours of talking I felt as if we had been friends for years. It was similar with you.”

It was true, he began trusting Mark very quickly, but that wasn’t proof of anything.

“And –“ Mark added, his voice hushed, “the first time we kissed we were lying beside each other, just like this. This scene is so familiar, I couldn’t help but come back to it, even though it was years ago and so much have changed.”

Jaebum was taken aback by this admission. Come to think of it, Jackson had also said something about Jinyoung and Jaebum being similar, but in a completely different context. Of course, there were the points they met, some characteristics that matched, but that could be said about every one of them, to each one he had some connection.

“I think you are more similar to Jinyoung than me,” Jaebum answered. Mark was indeed the one who most resembled him out of all his lovers, otherwise, they were all pretty different.

“We have similar interests,” Mark answered, “and some desires. But at the core, I and Jinyoung need different things.”

“What do you mean?”

“We tried to live together for a short time,” Mark revealed, his eyes travelling somewhere to the side of Jaebum’s face, “and that was the time I was truly similar to Jinyoung. I don’t think he knows this, or does it consciously, but his influence over people is tremendous, and on me especially. At some point, I could no longer tell if the things I wanted were my own wishes or his. My mind was infected with his vision, confused by his point of view.”

“Is that why you –“

“No,” Mark cut him off, “I know what you’re going to say, but no, I don’t sleep with people simply out of Jinyoung’s desires,” Mark’s gaze was secure, “of course, Jinyoung’s interest plays a role in this, but my feelings are my own. Though I admit that when we lived together, I was confused at times. It wasn’t that much of a problem only because it was about people I already loved on my own, but I could see them from his point of view with startling accuracy. I’ve been puzzled who was the source sometimes,” Mark added, “that’s why I needed to be away. I need separateness, need my own living space, without anybody else in it. Alone, I know who I am and what I feel without doubts.”

This was interesting. He didn’t think about it this way, but was he not also trying to see things the way Jinyoung saw them? Was he not trying to understand him by his books? And Mark simply understood, that made Jaebum envious.

“I can see you from his point of view too,” Mark’s voice became quieter again, “and while I have my own feelings, they are quite similar.”

“What are those feelings?” Jaebum asked fascinated.

“Fear,” Mark intoned with clear eyes, “Jinyoung is afraid that you will become an irreplaceable presence in his life, in his house,” his eyes broke contact for a moment, “I feel the same. Already, it is hard to imagine going there and not finding you. In his case it must be even worse, it is his home after all. And the situation has changed, you needed him more before, the balance is shifting and he knows it.”

“I still need him. I have no other home.”

“Do you think that if you went to Bambam, he would hesitate even a moment before taking you in? And not only him.”

“I would still be living on someone’s mercy.”

“Yes, but not necessarily on Jinyoung’s. You have different options,” Mark told him, “with all his influence over people, Jinyoung is still insecure. He thinks it’s his fault, that he drives people away, not to break up with him, but unable to share the same space all the time. He doesn’t want to blame us for this, and for that Jinyoung is always conflicted between allowing people their freedom and being possessive of them. Between separateness that others need and the connections that he craves. He falls in love with men who are highly individual and he knows he can’t bind them but he tries anyway. And he’s very good at that too, but all of us need a lot of space to ourselves. He may hope you will be different, but is his taste that different?”

“He didn’t pick me because of his taste in men but out of pity,” Jaebum defended.

Mark blinked.

“Sure.”

It always came back to Jinyoung with them. They were all obsessed, he couldn’t be erased from any relation, all the feelings had some of his echoes. Jaebum couldn’t blame them though, it was his fault as well, he belonged to Jinyoung, in ways others than they did, but surely enough it was a crucial link. He wouldn’t even have met them if not for Jinyoung.

Thinking about Jinyoung made him remember what Mark told him before, that this was the situation in which their first kiss happened.

“How did you two kiss?” Jaebum asked with undeniable curiosity, “who started it?”

“We drifted towards each other,” Mark said, his eyes flicking down to Jaebum’s lips quickly, but not enough for Jaebum not to catch it, “it was in the spur of the moment, but he leaned over me and kissed me first.”

Jaebum could imagine it, see Jinyoung boosting himself with his elbow to lean slowly down and graze Mark’s lips. Before he could contain himself he moved, did what the Jinyoung in his mind had done, touching his lips lightly to Mark’s.

Mark’s lips were frozen for a moment, after a second trembling and kissing back, not opening fully, just the soft skin, no tongue. It was a gentle kiss, starkly different from the one he had with Yugyeom earlier.

He wondered, what did Jinyoung feel at that moment when Mark’s lips moved slowly against his? Did he feel guilt right away, reminding himself of Jackson? No, he had told Jaebum that it was the moment he had realized he was in love with Mark, the first things he felt would be tender and then crushing, ripping his heart in half.

Mark moved away from him, looked at him with seriousness.

“If you want to kiss me,” he said, his breath tickling, “do it with your own emotions.”

Jaebum stared. How could Mark tell? It was impossible that Jaebum could accurately imitate Jinyoung without ever experiencing kissing him.

It was true, that this was not the way Jaebum kissed, and he proved that when he fell against Mark, prying his lips open with his tongue, spurring him into action, into movement. He knew that people kissed just for the action itself, but for him, it was never like this. It was always sexual, and it was difficult for him to hold himself back from making that obvious to his partners.

But Mark did kiss him back with intensity, no longer just smooching, but letting their tongues move against each other, make wet sounds in the silence of his bedroom. That was the way Jaebum liked to kiss, breathless and heavy, the way that made the mind leave. Jinyoung was probably the type that liked to kiss to show simple affection, even with nothing following behind.

His body moved to fit itself against Mark, his leg between the other’s thighs, and he pushed Mark down to lay below him. Mark arched beneath him when Jaebum’s leg moved, but a moment later he changed their positions, forcing Jaebum to lay beneath, which Jaebum wouldn’t have minded one bit if Mark didn’t suddenly stop kissing him, lifting himself up some distance away.

“I’m going to sleep on the sofa,” Mark said simply, as if that made any sense, at all.

“No, it’s your bed, if you want I can go –” Jaebum tried to fix the situation quickly but Mark interrupted.

“Stay here,” he told him, in a voice that allowed no discussion, and left to go to the bathroom. When he returned, he really did lay down on the sofa, with only a small pillow and a blanket, turning off the lights, his back to Jaebum still visible by a bit of light from the window.

Jaebum stared at his figure. The sudden rejection pained him and confused him even more. Was Mark angry at him? There were actually too many reasons why he could be irate, and Jaebum couldn’t place it accurately. Was it about the kiss itself, was it for trying to do more than that? Was Jaebum going too fast in his eyes? Was it because Jaebum had just told him about what happened with Yugyeom, and Mark was hurt by being treated the same way right after that? Was it the same as Jinyoung’s anger for breaking the promises Jaebum should have kept? This time he had no excuse, Mark had not made any move the way Bambam and Yugyeom had, it was all Jaebum’s fault. He had a right to view him as a villain but this denial without explanation still hurt.

The thoughts barely allowed him to get any sleep and he left Mark’s flat in the early morning, the other sleeping still when Jaebum placed the duvet over the blanket, wanting to be sure Mark would wake up warm, if not comfortable after spending the night on the couch.

He was in the apartment before the time he usually made breakfast, fully expecting Yugyeom to be there but he was already gone. Only Jinyoung greeted him, immediately reacting to his presence by fitting himself against the wall, looking at him. Jaebum tried to reach the kitchen without having to talk. It was never a good idea to speak before eating something, that made people too grouchy.

“You don’t have to creep around the corners,” Jinyoung said, his arms crossed, “Yugyeom told me.”

Jinyoung’s voice was level, as was his gaze. Jaebum couldn’t say if he was mad or not, and he wasn’t sure how much Yugyeom had told him.

“Does everyone report to you?” he answered, irritated.

Jinyoung looked on unamused.

“Didn’t you also tell me yourself when you slept with Bambam? Did you ask Bambam then, whether you can tell me that?” Jinyoung pointed out and Jaebum was even more peeved because it was true. “Anyway, I’m telling you I know, so we can go past the awkwardness of secrecy.”

“Secrecy is part of the fun,” Jaebum threw out, just to see if he could annoy Jinyoung in turn, “how much did Yugyeom tell you?”

“Mostly, he told me to mind my own business and not get involved,” Jinyoung answered, his mouth slightly pursed.

Oh, so Jinyoung was irritated. Apparently, Jaebum wasn’t the only person who could get annoyed at his over-protectiveness.

“Can’t imagine Yugyeom saying that,” he answered amused.

“He dressed it in milder words but that was the message,” Jinyoung said with weary humor.

“Are you all right with this?”

Jinyoung stepped forward and stood right in front of him, staring him down. Jaebum was stuck in place, but he didn’t let his eyes stray.

“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, and assuming you don’t go into this without feelings being involved,” his voice was calm, persuasive.

“Of course I have feelings, I’m not a machine.”

“Good,” Jinyoung commented, “because Yugyeom definitely has feelings for you.”

Jaebum realized this and just nodded. He didn’t think Yugyeom liked him as part of some game, not anymore. He wanted to explore it, without that, how could he say what he himself felt for Yugyeom? So he looked straight back at Jinyoung, challenging him to comment further on that, but Jinyoung finally let him off the hook, and they returned to their normal Monday routine.

That same evening he opened the door to see a very surprised Mark in front of it.

“Jinyoung –“

“He’s in the shower,” Jaebum answered before he heard the question, motioning Mark inside.

Mark seemed hesitant when he entered, was he awkward because of what happened? Jaebum sincerely hoped his foolishness didn’t cost him Mark’s friendship.

“I wanted to talk to him, but I can just as well ask you first,” Mark started, his words swifter than normal.

“Yes?”

Mark’s eyes looked into his and Jaebum was taken aback by their intensity.

“Would you like to go on a date?” Mark threw out, “with me,” he added quickly, as if that wasn’t the obvious part.

It was not what he expected. He stared a bit, open-mouthed, but he didn’t want to leave Mark in suspense.

“Sure,” he said, somehow wavering, so he smiled right after.

Mark smiled back with relief.

“Great.”

Jinyoung went out of the bathroom at that moment so their talk was cut short. They left to discuss something between themselves, thanks to which Jaebum could drown in his confusion. Why, a date? It wasn’t like he was hard to get or anything.


	12. Lost in the sound of your voice

Jaebum could finally touch the wings on Yugyeom’s back, although he did much more than just trace them with his fingers, as he half-rested on Yugyeom’s back and massaged Yugyeom’s naked skin, both of them quite spent after the careful exploration of each other’s weak points. Yugyeom only purred contentedly when Jaebum kissed over the ink, all around the edges. They were in Yugyeom’s dorm room, the bed a bit small for two people but they managed, more than once.

Jinyoung had really not spoken up anything on Yugyeom’s case, he didn’t as much as glance at them with disapproval if Yugyeom embraced Jaebum in his company or kissed him. Jaebum didn’t see any point in disallowing him to do that if he liked, though he rarely initiated physical contact if Jinyoung was there. That was mostly because of Bambam, and that one time Jaebum was almost sure something was going to happen between the three of them. It was safer to keep a distance from Yugyeom or Bambam if Jinyoung was present, at least it stopped his mind from imagining all kinds of things. Anyway, he was happy, and a bit surprised, that Jinyoung stopped being annoying about Yugyeom.

“That’s just the way Jinyoung is,” Yugyeom had told him when Jaebum commented on this sudden peace, “if you tell him to stay out of something, he will assume he was crossing a boundary before and infringing your freedom,” Yugyeom said between bites of his French toast, “well, at least that’s what Bambam said. I have never actually told Jinyoung anything like this before, I didn’t want to hurt him by implying he has to stay out of my private matters.”

“I don’t want to be a wedge between you two,” Jaebum answered, worrying his lower lip.

“Don’t worry, Jinyoung is cool about this,” Yugyeom assured, “I mean, I really like you a lot, but if you decide this is not working out, I will survive.”

“I’m so attracted to you right now.” God, a man who would not die of a broken heart, bravo.

“I actually started going out with Jinyoung for fun, feelings followed later on. He knows this, and I’m surely not so over-emotional that he would worry about me the most.”

“Who would he worry about the most?” Jaebum asked with magnified attention.

“What, are you making a bucket list of who you can sleep with?” Yugyeom answered him with a snigger and Jaebum sputtered nervously.

“No, it’s not –“

“Calm down, I was joking,” Yugyeom said, patting him on the back, “sleep with whoever you like, I don’t mind.”

Jaebum’s face heated up with embarrassment. He didn’t ask because he had some plan to go through all off them or anything like that. He would have lied if he said he didn’t find each of them incredibly attractive, not just in the vague physical sense, but as fascinating people. But that didn’t mean he wanted to sleep with all of them. Well, at least, he liked to tell himself that, though if he took into consideration that he had already slept with two of them, and kissed another one, he wasn’t proving the point amazingly.

“I wouldn’t worry much about Youngjae, because he’s not that interested in anyone other than Jinyoung either way,” Yugyeom mused, “but it’s better to be careful with Mark and Jackson.”

“Jackson?” Jaebum repeated with astonishment. Jackson was the flirtiest out of them all.

“He’s special, you know,” Yugyeom supplied with a smile, “I mean, of course, we are all special for Jinyoung, but Jackson was the first one he was with. They’ve been together the longest, he’s like the first husband.”

Jaebum was still thinking about it when he entered the apartment. The lights of the living room were seeping into the corridor, so he didn’t switch on the lamp. Jinyoung was still supposed to be at the company today, he must have returned early.

He was so glad that he did not speak before seeing Jinyoung. The first thing he spotted was Jinyoung’s back, the man sitting in a chair, but right after that he saw Jackson was also there. He must have just returned from his business trip to Taiwan, but that wasn’t what Jaebum focused on, because Jackson was kneeling there in front of Jinyoung. Not only that, from this angle Jaebum could see clearly that there was a foot, in a shoe, pressing on his crotch, both of them clothed.

His shock didn’t allow him to move. They must not have heard him enter, both seemed occupied by the task they were in. And that task was apparently Jinyoung pressing his foot more into Jackson’s crotch as the other keened and opened his legs wider.

“You kept me waiting for so long,” Jinyoung said, his voice strange - cold and harsh. It made shivers run down Jaebum’s body as he gawked at the scene.

“Jinyoung, I –“ Jackson started speaking in a throaty tone but it was interrupted with a moan as the shoe was once again pressed harder, Jackson’s body bending as it moved up and down.

Jackson was moving his hips more into it, Jaebum could see. He was focused on that movement when Jackson straightened up, and for a moment his eyes strayed from Jinyoung and they met Jaebum’s, both of them staring at each other with shock.

And then Jackson’s hips stuttered, his eyes closed and his lips opened wide in a groan, as he rode out his orgasm against Jinyoung’s foot. He seemed to be boneless when he finished twitching into it, his eyes hazy when they glanced at Jaebum, to return quickly up to Jinyoung, whose hand went down to grasp Jackson’s jaw.

“Did I allow you to come?”

Fuck, that tone. Jaebum’s legs were trembling.

Jackson didn’t answer, but put his hands on the sides of the chair and elevated himself to kiss Jinyoung. Jackson’s eyes were open and looked into his, one of his hands making a shooing gesture, and Jaebum somehow managed to force his body to go back the three steps and hide behind a wall.

“Let’s move to the bedroom,” he heard Jackson say and he blessed the man in his mind for this. He waited to silently creep into his room until he was sure they were no longer there, leaving all the lights turned off, sitting on his bed in the darkness.

He should take a cold shower but they would hear the water so he would have to wait. Actually, he should have done anything other than taking the phone in his hand and choosing Bambam’s number.

“What’s up?” Bambam greeted and Jaebum already regretted all of his life choices.

“I’m a pervert.”

A moment of silence. He couldn’t be sure, but it sounded to him like amused silence.

“Okay, I’m interested now,” Bambam informed, “go on.”

“I saw Jinyoung with Jackson,” he whispered in the dark.

Bambam laughed.

“Playing a little voyeur now, hyung?”

“It was by accident. They were in the living room.”

“Mhm,” Bambam hummed skeptically, “so how exactly does that make _you_ a pervert?”

Jaebum bit on his lip.

“Did you get a little excited?” Bambam teased.

“A little isn’t really …”

“Why are you still at home then? Why didn’t you go to Yugyeom?”

Another beat of silence. Of course, Bambam had to know everything.

“I told you I would find out.”

“Yugyeom went to practice,” Jaebum answered gruffly.

“So what were they doing that got you so enthused?”

Jaebum wanted to deny it, but that would be such an obvious lie, he didn’t even try.

“I’m not telling you that.”

“I’m pretty sure it was milder than what I’m imagining. But fine, leave me with my day-dreams.”

“Is Jinyoung actually a sadist?” Jaebum forced out the vision of that shoe and the sound of that voice making him feverish.

“What? No, not exactly,” Bambam provided, “let me put it this way, Jinyoung is very accommodating to other people’s needs.”

That conversation was really not helping him one bit with calming down. Not that he expected it to.

“So, you saw some BDSM going on in the living room?” Bambam suggested leerily, “and now, what are you imagining? Would you like for Jinyoung to hurt you or do you want to hurt Jackson? Are you imagining being put across Jinyoung’s lap with your ass bare –“

“Oh, fuck you.”

Another laugh.

“You’ll have to wait till I’m back in Korea, baby.”

Definitely not helping. Jaebum just gave up and let his hand travel down to his trousers. He knew it would end like this, who was he kidding? He opened the button and griped himself with a sigh of relief.

“Touching yourself already, Jaebum?” Bambam asked, a smile in his voice.

“Are you alone? Did I interrupt something?” he said, his hand moving up and down slowly. He wasn’t as much jerking, as he was easing the strain.

“Now you’re asking? Yeah, I’m alone.”

Jaebum whimpered, his thumb pressing against the head.

“Can I add Yugyeom?”

“What?” Jaebum startled, “Yugyeom might still be at –“

Bambam clearly didn’t wait because suddenly Yugyeom’s voice was there as well, making Jaebum grip his cock tighter when it reacted.

“Yes?”

“Are you still at practice?” Bambam asked him.

“No, I’m walking home.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’m having phone sex with Jaebum, wanna join?” Bambam said and Jaebum covered his face in embarrassment even though nobody could see him.

“Sounds fun,” Yugyeom said, the noise of cars passing around him, “but only if Jaebum agrees. Do you mind, hyung?”

“It’s fine,” Jaebum said in a stilted voice. He refrained from moving when Yugyeom joined the call because their voices together in this situation stupefied him.

“He saw Jinyoung with Jackson doing something kinky, apparently, though he won’t tell me what,” Bambam provided.

“Did they see you?” Yugyeom asked with interest.

“Jackson saw me.”

“And he didn’t invite you to join? That’s just bad manners,” Bambam commented and Yugyeom laughed.

“Are you in your room, hyung?” Yugyeom asked with his sweet voice.

“Yeah.”

“Are you naked?”

“No.”

“Drive your shirt up to uncover your nipples,” Yugyeom told him, and although it was still soft-spoken, it sounded like an order, “your trousers and underwear down to your shins, let them stay there.”

Jaebum did as he was told, letting go of the phone for the moment and retaking it the moment he was done.

“Okay,” he told Yugyeom waiting for further instruction.

“Bammie, what are you doing? Are you on a bed?” Yugyeom said instead.

“I’m on a swivel chair before a computer,” Bambam answered, “I may be looking at BDSM porn, who can say.”

Jaebum chuckled.

“Jaebum,” Yugyeom called for his attention, “don’t touch your cock yet. Play with your nipples.”

The pads of Jaebum’s fingers travelled up his stomach and chest to brush the nub, letting it harden before passing to the other one, listening on as Yugyeom told Bambam to take off his pants.

“Fuck, thinking about your chest makes me so hard,” Bambam informed with a groan.

“His breasts are exquisite,” Yugyeom agreed, and Jaebum shivered under all the praise, “and your nipples, hyung, so lovely and pink. I could suck them for hours. Just thinking about it has me salivating.”

“You walking with a hard-on outside, Yugy?” Bambam joked.

“I’m almost at the dorm.”

Jaebum was pinching his nipples now, and he could feel how much harder all the abuse made him. God, he really was a pervert.

“Do you have a vibrator, Jaebum? Or a dildo?” Bambam asked suddenly.

“Um, no.”

He never thought about owning one, it sounded like quite an expense and he didn’t think he needed one. Though thinking of having one now seemed rather intriguing.

“I know what I’m buying you next,” Bambam commented, and before Jaebum could say anything to that he continued, “you’re gonna have to use your fingers tonight.”

“Umh,” he got out and he hoped that was answer enough.

Jaebum didn’t even plan to that, he just wanted to jerk off, but the idea was now stuck in his mind and he knew he was going to do whatever they told him to. He rarely fingered himself while he masturbated unless he was in a particular mood to treat himself, not the usual taking-the-edge-off kind of wank.

“Okay, I reached my room,” Yugyeom informed them, “do you have lube, hyung? Bammie?”

“Ways ahead of you, guys,” Bambam pronounced while Jaebum reached into the lowest drawer next to his bed.

“Yes,” he said and decided to take his earphones as well because he preferred having two hands free.

“Be a good boy and suck on your fingers,” Bambam recommended.

“Only if you do the same,” Jaebum answered, already playing his lower lip between three fingers.

“Sounds fair.”

He wondered if they did it at the same time, in the same way, when he put the fingers in his mouth up to the knuckles and sucked on them, pushing them in and out. The image of Bambam doing that, and the memory of Bambam going down on him, made him bite on the fingers, and he was panting when he took them out. Bambam wasn’t in a much better state judging by the way he sounded.

“You’re cheating, aren’t you?” Jaebum said to Bambam, “you’re touching yourself.”

“You don’t have to expose me like this, hyung,” Bambam answered, his voice low and heavy, “what you doing, Geomie?”

“Nothing besides gripping myself really tightly,” Yugyeom informed, “you two sound very erotic and I don’t want to come yet.”

“Well, do whatever fits your fancy, I guess,” Bambam told him magnanimously, “I’m putting the fingers in. Hyung?”

“Sure,” Jaebum answered as he made his wet fingers skim unhurriedly down his naked body. His eyes had gotten a bit used to the dark already, and he could see the outline of his erect cock leaning towards his stomach. He let his hand graze over it, but didn’t stop there. Instead, he pulled the cork off the lube and poured a generous amount on his hand.

He didn’t circle around it and just simply let the first finger peek in, left without much patience. He used two tips of his fingers to feel the burn of the stretch.

“Ah!,” he heard in his ear. This was Bambam’s voice and he felt it, thrust his fingers in deeper in a rough manner to echo it.

“The guy in the video I’m watching,” Bambam started, his breathing labored from the stretching, Jaebum assumed, “has on a leather outfit that covers absolutely nothing that it should, just restrains the movements of his arms. There’s a collar on him. Oh, he’s also blindfolded and gagged,” Bambam said in a light voice as two of Jaebum’s fingers reached as far as they could inside, “the other guy is jerking him off, but stops every time the man is close to coming.”

Of course, of fucking course, he would imagine Jackson in the garment, his eyes covered with a blindfold, his lips stretched around a red ball of a gag, his beautiful chest left to be admired. And Jinyoung accompanied him, naturally, fully clothed in jeans and a dress shirt as he reached down and moved his hand in a cruel rhythm.

Jackson of his imagination was blindfolded, but this time, it was the Jinyoung of his imagination that noticed Jaebum, his gaze harsh, but his hand not stopping.

“The guy looks kind of like you, Jaebum,” Bambam added.

No, that was not going to go over well. He closed his eyes and forced the image out of his mind.

“Which guy, the gagged one, or the second one?” Yugyeom asked, his breathing also indicating that he was touching himself.

“The gagged one,” Bambam answered, “Which one would you prefer to be, Jaebum? I was betting on the slave, but then I’m sure both Jinyoung and Jackson can change the role.”

“How would you know? You and Jackson never actually –“

“Shut up, Yugyeom,” Bambam cut off.

It managed to bring him back into the present a little. He could hear wet sounds in the headphones, but he was sure he was making very similar ones. The lube made the whole of the inside of his thighs slippery. He was still not touching his cock, focusing on curling his fingers inside and moaning with the feeling.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom spoke up, “you can think whatever in your mind without guilt. It’s only thoughts, nobody will know them.”

“What do you want me to think about?” Jaebum asked.

“Isn’t it enough that we’re telling you what to do?” Yugyeom sniggered, “let your imagination be free.”

Jaebum closed his eyes and let it play out. He let himself imagine what would happen if Jackson did not notice him there. Did he come because he saw Jaebum watching him? The thought made Jaebum whimper. Jackson’s eyes, Jinyoung’s voice, Jackson’s opened legs as he submitted himself fully to the torture, Jinyoung’s stiff shoulder blades, those images were enough to drive him into thrusting his fingers harsher.

“Fuck,” he heard Bambam’s voice, “do you even realize how you sound? I’m leaking because of you.”

“It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss you,” Yugyeom said, “the voice is not enough, I want to touch and taste you again.”

Jaebum back raised off the bed and he had to stop the movements of his fingers.

“I –“ he tried to say through his constricted throat, “I’m pretty close.”

“Yeah, me too,” Bambam gave his stilted answer, “imagining you instead of that guy in porn was really bad for my manly pride.”

“Your what?” Yugyeom teased.

Jaebum laughed lightly.

“Mmm, you really testing me out here, Jaebum.”

“Good,” he told Bambam smugly.

“Jaebum,” Yugyeom spoke, “you can touch your cock now.”

Jaebum wasn’t exactly waiting for permission, but he did take the suggestion. That was too much stimulation though, and he took out his fingers to put them inside again, curling them and making sounds he would be embarrassed about if they hadn’t already heard them before.

“Think about yourself now, how damn beautiful you are,” Yugyeom said, and it worked like magic, it made him picture himself, just him, alone on this bed, in an almost perfect vision of what was happening, “feel how nice your skin is to the touch. Can you sense how tight you are?”

“God –“ Bambam said and then there was whimpering, groans that pushed Jaebum over the edge as well, his hips raising of the bed as his hand jerked furiously to force him over the edge, while his other hand remained unmoving, his fingers stilled to press harshly against his prostate as he milked every last drop of his arousal.

Only now he realized that Yugyeom could have been saying that to either of them. Maybe he was saying it to both.

His heavy breathing mingled with Bambam’s and it was the strangest feeling, that they might have been thinking the same thing while they were pushed over the brink, only each about himself.

“Yugyeom?” Jaebum called when he regained the ability, “how are you holding out?”

“Well, I’m still hard if that’s what you’re asking,” the man answered with a laugh.

“This morning,” Jaebum started, a little embarrassed, but wanting to return the favour, “when you took me against your headboard, god, I don’t think I was ever fucked so hard before.”

He heard a sharp breath and smirked.

“Yugy, remember that one time,” Bambam added, his voice joyful, “when we were at this dreadful party and I used the occasion to let our feet play a bit under the table?”  
  


“Um, yeah.”

“Remember how we went to the bathroom and we jerked each other? God, we had such ideas as kids.”

“Bammie, that was a year ago.”

“I’d let you fuck me in a public bathroom,” Jaebum said, his whole face burning, “gladly.”

Yugyeom was close, he could hear. Both he and Bambam kept talking him through it until Yugyeom’s body gave in to it and he finally came.

“Thank you both,” Jaebum said before parting.

“Are you really thanking me for masturbating to your hot voice? In that case, you’re totally welcome.”

He didn’t quite know how to explain it but this was different than sex. There was privacy to masturbation usually, and he liked it, but this time, he would have been guilty about it if not for them. They made him feel less lonely, while still letting him do this in his private sphere.

***

His mind seemed clear in the morning until Jackson entered the kitchen, dressed only in boxers, his bare feet on the tiles making Jaebum feel cold. Jackson grabbed the milk carton out of the fridge and took a big gulp straight from it. Jaebum definitely didn’t notice the bit of white liquid over the corner of his lips. No, not there, not making him think anything at all.

“Hi, Jaebum,” he said with a smirk extending the carton to him, “some milk?”

He decided to ignore the suggestive smirk and he took the carton in his hand, though he did not drink from it.

“Thank you, Jackson.”

“I mean it’s your milk so –“

“Not for that,” Jaebum corrected with a gentle smile, putting the carton on the counter, “for not telling Jinyoung. For taking him out of there.”

“Ah,” Jackson nodded, “no problem. I heard you’ve been at Yugyeom’s place and we didn’t think you’d be back so early.”

“Yeah, Yugyeom had practice so…”

“How’s Yugyeom, by the way?” Jackson asked, not even trying to hide his glee.

“Fine.”

Of course, Jackson had to know too. Hiding anything from anyone here was obviously impossible.

“So Bambam and Yugyeom,” Jackson started, and Jaebum could feel his face getting hotter, “who’s next?”

“What?” he managed, startled.

“Mark, Youngjae … or me?”

Jaebum opened his mouth in wordless indignation.

“Nobody.” Even to himself, that sounded like a lie.

“You sure? Because –“

“Not you,” Jaebum growled out, unable to contain his irritation.

Jackson clicked his tongue. Before he managed to say whatever grating thing he had meant to, Jinyoung’s voice called his name, in that chill, warning tone that reminded Jaebum too much of last night. He couldn’t look Jinyoung in the eye when he entered.

“Stop bothering Jaebum, or he won’t give you any breakfast,” Jinyoung joked, but there was an undertone to the words that Jaebum might have imagined.

“Fine, you convinced me.” Jackson turned back to him again, “sorry, Jaebum? Don’t spit into my food, please.”

Jaebum wouldn’t stoop so low, so he just declined to answer and ignored them as Jackson approached Jinyoung like an over-excited puppy and Jinyoung swiped his finger over his upper lip, cleaning the milk away and commented that ‘he told him not to drink milk straight from the carton’, his voice no longer commanding, gaining back its affectionate tone.

That was the moment Jaebum decided that, whoever he would sleep with, Jackson would not make that list. He was permanently removed from it for being rude enough to call Jaebum out on the things he might do. But not with Jackson.


	13. Spring blossoms

Dating with Mark was like doing anything with Mark: pleasant, easy, and relaxing. He didn’t expect it to be so, he had that idea that dates were boring and unnecessary affairs, but this was fun. It wasn’t drinking wine in some elegant restaurant that didn’t suit Jaebum. Mostly, Mark took him to places they would go as friends, with the difference that they were alone. On their first date, they had spent hours in the Museum of Arcade games, of which existence Jaebum had no idea, and he didn’t want to get out when it was time. They went to the cinema, to various places where they could eat, to a fair even. This place was different, but it had been Jaebum’s idea and he wasn’t sure it even counted as a date, he just dragged Mark along for his shopping.

He always kind of loved large Hardware stores. Not stores with home articles like Ikea, all nice and sparkling, but those big open spaces with stone floors and naked metal scaffolding, where you could get lost in, and walk from showers standing in the middle of the floor, through all kinds of wallpapers, blankets, couches, tools. His very favourite was the lighting section. It was probably how he found out about this kind of stores in the first place, the chandelier in their flat broke and his father took him to find a new one when he was a child. It felt magical to be surrounded by all the lighting fixtures that blinded and confused him.

Another reason was the smell of the store – the chemical smell of paint. This was perhaps Jaebum’s preferred aroma, to everybody’s astonishment. He re-found it in the toxic-like odor of nail polish, when Bambam had been painting his nails black and Jaebum now had one in his room, just to take a whiff sometimes. Jinyoung questioned it but Jinyoung was also the kind of person that stopped reading to take a long sniff of his book, a thing that Jaebum also admittedly did at times, so he wasn’t any better.

It had taken him over an hour to choose the paint that was the right shade of dirty grey so they could pass to wall mountings for his new guitar. Well, it was actually second-hand, but he found one that was in a good state, and he had already started the process of re-learning how to play it. They talked while selecting the tools and other such things, so he hoped Mark wasn’t bored.

The things Jaebum had learned on their dates were more surprising than he anticipated. Mark was, of course, quite an extraordinary person in both his profession and his relationships, but he was so chill, Jaebum tended to forget about it. So when Mark had told him that he left the US because he had a girlfriend that he planned to marry, who went to student exchange, it was quite a shock. Then he told him that they had broken up, but he liked Korea so much that he stayed, while she returned to the States. Jaebum had also learned that it had been Mark’s first girlfriend, his high school sweetheart and that he didn’t really consider he would end up with a man. It had shocked him, that Mark could be unaware of his own preferences, Jaebum himself couldn’t remember when he realized he went both ways, but it was very early on.

This time, Mark surprised him with his question.

“What’s happening with you and Jackson?”

“Nothing’s happening with us,” Jaebum answered, quicker than he ought to.

“There’s definitely something. Did you have a fight?”

Jaebum wasn’t really doing anything. He was colder to Jackson, maybe, but he was not outright rude. He was just setting boundaries. Though Jackson seemed to treat that more as a challenge. He never touched Jaebum without permission, nor did he harass him, but there were times when he suggested things, sometimes in front of Jinyoung, just to piss Jaebum off.

“No,” Jaebum denied harshly, “he just irritated me with something he said, it’s nothing.”

“Jackson can get exasperating sometimes,” Mark answered with a benevolent smile, “though anyone does, I guess. I’m sure he means nothing bad, whatever he said.”

Jaebum had no idea why Jackson found it necessary to point out Jaebum’s attitude. Couldn’t he just talk about him behind his back, like normal people did?

“You look really angry,” Mark said with a chuckle, “was what Jackson said true, and that’s why you can’t get over it?”

Jaebum bristled.

“You can’t take criticism very well, can you?” Mark suggested and Jaebum started walking away from him without another word. “You’re proving my point!” he could hear behind himself before Mark managed to catch up.

When he managed to settle himself a bit his mind was still on Jackson.

“How did it happen?” he asked, turning in Mark’s direction, “Jinyoung had told me that you and Jackson came up with this kind of arrangement. I’m curious.”

“Well, Jackson was pretty furious when Jinyoung told him what happened. He slapped me,” Mark started, “but after maybe a week he appeared at my door with a bottle of soju to apologize. I was actually of the opinion that I was the one in the wrong, so it was quite a shock.”

“Why did you think you were in the wrong?” Jaebum asked, “he hit you.”

Jaebum wasn’t sure he wouldn’t do exactly the same in Jackson’s situation but then, he wasn’t the best example of rational thinking.

“Yeah, but I kissed Jinyoung when I knew he had a boyfriend.”

“Didn’t he kiss you first? Anyway, for me, it seems like Jinyoung was the only one at fault.”

“It’s not for me to judge. In the end, what had hurt Jackson the most wasn’t really the kiss, but the fact that Jinyoung broke up with him, while he said he still loved him. That he didn’t fight for them. I guess I kind of shared Jackson’s irritation, because Jinyoung had started keeping his distance from me too, and I missed him terribly. But I also knew that Jinyoung looked as if he didn’t sleep at that time, like a shadow of a human. And despite what he had done I couldn’t just watch it. Well, these were the things we talked about while we were still sober enough.”

“And?”

“And I woke up with a very naked Jackson in my bed,” Mark provided with amusement, “at first we were pretty dismayed, but then we had a premonition.”

“Wait,” Jaebum realized with a start, “so the first guy you slept with was actually Jackson? Not Jinyoung?”

“Hmm, yeah, now that you mention it. Though I scarcely remembered it. The first time with men I do remember was a threesome.”

The elderly couple that passed them looked as if they would get a heart attack and Jaebum laughed despite himself.

“You don’t look it, but you’re pretty wild.”

“In a crazy world, isn’t being crazy the norm?” Mark pondered jokingly.

“Wow, how wise, hyung,” Jaebum answered in monotone, but he couldn’t keep it up and laughed again.

“Anyway, does the sequence matter? Sometimes, it’s worth it to take your time,” Mark suggested, coming up behind him and putting his hands on the cart over Jaebum’s momentarily, Jaebum’s body becoming paralyzed. “let me push the cart for a bit,” Mark said, as if it the contact was necessary for that.

Jaebum got back at him when they were leaving Mark’s car before the building of Jinyoung’s apartment. It wasn’t the first or second time they kissed, but he usually held back a bit, let Mark do it the way he liked. Mark was a hidden romantic, though Jaebum could admit he started to see something beautiful in those kisses before the door in the light of streetlamps, something almost film-like. But this time he took control and showed Mark that teasing him wasn’t the best idea, because he knew how to tease back with his tongue. He saw the effect of it on Mark’s face and smirked.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Jaebum asked with a tone that left no possibility of misunderstanding, especially with his hand on Mark’s hip.

“Isn’t Jinyoung at home?” Mark answered and Jaebum chuckled.

“Does this mean you would come up if he wasn’t? Sneaky.”

“Does it mean he is at home?” Mark countered, his hand stopping Jaebum’s from getting any lower, but at the same time he pulled on Jaebum’s lip, so he gave some really mixed signals.

“It’s also my home. Jinyoung loves to repeat that, he should learn what that would really mean.”

“Not tonight, Jaebum.”

“Fine,” Jaebum answered, kissing Mark for the last time before pulling away from him, “I won’t push. Goodnight, Mark.”

Mark could play hard to get, that didn’t mean Jaebum wouldn’t win.

He started painting the walls the next day. It was spring now, and he felt the need for a make-over. Although, more than the season, it was Jinyoung’s stubborn convincing that no matter what, this was his home and he would not throw him out. So fine, let him believe Jinyoung. The other was certainly not aware what it meant, so Jaebum started making small tests.

When Yugyeom was there, Jaebum forced back the embarrassment of being seen by Jinyoung and put his arms around him to give him a kiss. It was just a kiss on his temple, he still couldn’t manage more, though Yugyeom surely had no problem with that. He even said that it was better to ‘get Jinyoung used to it,’ so Jaebum was following his advice. Jinyoung didn’t react much, but then he didn’t do anything drastic. He realized that road would be more difficult for him to go through, and that’s why he made small steps and instead took to interior decorating.

The room felt like his, but it looked like a guest room, it had no character. He painted the walls gray and he used veneer to make the furniture darker. The floor was light and he had two big widows so it contrasted nicely. He almost didn’t buy any new furniture, besides the hook for the guitar and one simple shelf of metal tubes and wood, where he put a couple of books he managed to get as his own, some manga too, that wouldn’t really fit the home library. On the first wall he painted, he plastered a bunch of postcards and pictures; of forests, the grand canyon, tigers. In the middle of it was a postcard with a waterfall he received from Bambam this week, the man still being in Thailand. Those weren’t really grand changes, some color shifting and adding various objects but the room looked completely different.

He even expanded this metamorphosis to their shared space, in small ways, with a little decoration here and there. He changed the arrangement of utensils and plates in the kitchen to a more practical one. He bought two new pots with his own money and even found a discounted pasta maker. It took longer to make his own pasta but it was also fun in a way, like pinching dumplings. He generally started to try out cooking new things or making things from scratch. He lined their windowsill with growing herbs and the kitchen smelled of them. He never had a home that felt so much like one. In the winter he was too drowsy, he had no energy for such changes, but spring filled him with energy he didn’t know he possessed.

Jinyoung observed him with curiosity in his breaks between work and social life. Sometimes, he lent a hand if he had time, and Jaebum accepted it, passed him the painting brush while he went to make them sandwiches. Now, they both sat on his bed observing his room.

“Is it finished?” Jinyoung asked standing up to go around the space.

“I think so.”

“Looks cool,” Jinyoung said, taking the guitar off the wall mountings, “I thought you were saving money for the dark hour when I ‘kick you out’ or something.”

“But you won’t kick me out, will you?” Jaebum said, his heart leaping in his chest.

Jinyoung’s gaze was solid and hopeful.

“As long as you wish to stay, this is your place.”

“Are you expecting I will want to leave at some point?”

Jinyoung squeezed his lips tightly.

“I can’t see the future.”

In a way, what made him want to accept Jinyoung’s words, was his conversation with Youngjae. He was often invited to the other’s house when Youngjae had the time and that day he played a beautiful melody for him on the piano.

“Did you compose it?” Jaebum asked amazed.

“No,” Youngjae answered, “this piece is called ‘Fate’. It’s one of my favorites.”

Youngjae made space for him on the bench so Jaebum sat down next to him and touched random keys to test their sounds.

“Do you believe in fate?”

Youngjae looked at him and his fingers went to play a few keys of the melody.

“I believe the laws of the universe made Jinyoung find you,” Youngjae still played, not looking at the keys, “and that fate let us meet.”

Jaebum was speechless for a moment. He never could ridicule Youngjae for the things he said, the other was too honest. His words didn’t match what the others said about him, that Youngjae wasn’t interested in anyone besides Jinyoung, but then, Youngjae mostly talked with him about music, and he also didn’t really flirt with him, so maybe it was just Jaebum that could see things in a one-track sort of way. But he could be honest with Youngjae too, about things that worried him, and he was maybe the only one in whose company he could clothe them in words.

“Maybe, when Jinyoung saved me, he took away my cue to finally deal with my life. Maybe I would have found the strength to do something on my own if he didn’t give me an easy way out.”

Jaebum had lost everything, but he was only homeless for about three days. There were people who were homeless for years and they survived. There were places he could find work, even if it was just stocking shelves or some other physical occupation. He was sure there were more options than taking the first chance to have someone else provide him everything he needed.

“I don’t know if there are people who can deal with everything on their own. I think we live in societies exactly so that we may help each other.”

“Your success is your own doing.”

“No, not entirely,” Youngjae denied, “I don’t think I would have done it without my mom. Maybe some people can pass by with talent alone, but most need luck and a lot of assistance to get somewhere,” the melody Youngjae played changed into another one, a softer one, “my mom was talented as well, she was a skilled pianist. But she lost all hope of making that her profession, she didn’t think it was probable, and needed to think about surviving when father left us. So when I, as an eight-year-old, wound up by my choir teacher who swore I was exceptional and should go to music school, begged my mom to send me there, she didn’t agree.”

Jaebum furrowed his brows.

“We didn’t have that much money. Those schools are very costly but I was stubborn. I kept annoying her, throwing tantrums, as she loves to remind everyone. Finally she said to me ‘do you think you can make it? Sacrifice everything to be better than all the other kids that have lessons with the best teachers?’ and of course, eight-year-old me was very sure. So she agreed on the condition that no word of complaint could ever pass my lips. That I would not give up when it got tough.”

Jaebum listened on, fascinated by this piece of the past.

“I didn’t really grasp how much money it cost. My mom worked herself to her limits so I could learn to sing, play instruments, compose. When I realized it, I felt horrible guilt but she did say I could not give up. So I worked as hard as I could to show her that effort was not in vain. At sixteen, an opera singer that was friends with one of my teachers noticed me.”

“That’s why you went into opera.”

“Yes, it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. And thanks to that I could finally give back the resources my mother worked so hard to obtain. But health, or the many dull hours, years that she spent in an occupation she felt no passion for, what she gave up so that I could develop myself, I can never give that back. I can only love her for it.”

“I’m sure the pride she feels is also a reward.”

Jaebum couldn’t really relate, nobody ever expected something would come out of him. He had the freedom of not having expectations, but there wasn’t really much freedom unless you had money.

“So fate led you to became an opera singer,” he started, “what would you do if it hasn’t?”

“I would have kept trying to become a singer,” Youngjae answered, “this is what I’m made to do. It’s what I love. But I did have a back-up plan of becoming a voice coach.”

“Is that why you make me do all those vocal exercises?” Jaebum remembered with a chuckle. Some of those were really weird, like singing some nonsense words in different ways.

“Well, your singing improved hasn’t it? You can match pitch with me and you’re getting stable.”

Games of matching pitches with Youngjae were fun, but Jaebum didn’t understand what it was for. If it amused Youngjae he had no qualms about doing it, the man was quite crazy about music. He actually found himself doing strange sounds that Youngjae taught him to warm his vocal cords on his own and he had to reprimand himself not to make those in front of people.

He always did like singing and humming, his head was practically like a radio, if it didn’t hear music, it still played it inside. It was very easy to infect it with a song, even when he didn’t want to, he found himself replaying what he heard. Bambam and Yugyeom loved to use that against him, they sang something and were amused when Jaebum started unconsciously repeating it.

Alone, he also sang, and he rarely cleaned without switching on the music, unless Jinyoung was working and couldn’t be disturbed. If Jaebum had known Jinyoung went in, he would not have been swinging his hips singing as loud as he could while washing the floors. These quiet doors of theirs really was a problem, especially if one turned on the radio too loud. That’s why, when he turned and landed straight into Jinyoung’s arms, his heart almost leaped out of his chest.

“Jinyoung!” he managed to get out as the mop clattered on the floor.

Jinyoung looked cheerful, and in a swift motion took his hand and made him turn around, in the rhythm of the music, and Jaebum ended up against his chest, too shocked to react.

“I heard you singing,” Jinyoung said, letting go of him and stepping back.

“You often hear me singing when I’m cleaning.”

“True enough,” Jinyoung’s lips were stretched in a wicked smile, “sometimes I stop my work just to listen.”

Jaebum hung his head and tried his best not to smile joyfully at that.

“I also heard your song with Youngjae,” Jinyoung added, “you’re very good.”

“It’s mostly Youngjae, I just sang a little.”

“I like your voice,” Jinyoung said with perfect honesty, “very much.”

Jaebum could not stop the embarrassed breakaway of his gaze.

“Why are you getting shy, now?” Jinyoung laughed, “I saw the comments under that song, people keep asking who you are.”

Compliments from strangers were not the same but he didn’t know how to say that without showing too much of himself. He got too soft when he was happy.

Irritation, that was what could make him show his true colors. Jinyoung experienced his outbursts often enough, but now, the person he was more irritated towards was definitely Jackson.

Jackson who was once again in his kitchen, eating cereal out of the box like he wasn’t going to get a perfectly filling breakfast in fifteen minutes. At least he had a t-shirt on, besides his boxers today.

“Nice pajamas, Jaebum,” he said with mirth, looking down his body with no shame.

This time, Jaebum was in exactly the same amount of clothes as the other. It was getting too warm for long pants, so he just wore his Bert Simson boxers with a black shirt.

“I don’t get you. Are you hitting on me or are you trying to piss me off?”

“Can’t I be attracted to you and jealous at the same time?” Jackson answered him with a question of his own.

The ‘attracted to him’ part wasn’t very surprising, but why would Jackson be jealous?

“Me and Jinyoung aren’t –“

Jackson laughed.

“Tell me, Jaebum,” Jackson said, getting closer, “if Jinyoung is not a part of this, why do you assume I was talking about him?”

Jaebum’s opened his mouth wordlessly. It didn’t even pass his mind that Jackson could mean someone else, for example, his dates with Mark. He had always worried about Jinyoung being jealous, not the others, and that’s why the only way he saw right away was the reverse of that jealousy.

“Who do you mean?” he asked trying to draw the attention back to Jackson. Not that he let him.

“Is Jinyoung always the first one you think of? Food for thought,” Jackson said crunching on cheerios smugly, and when he received no reply besides Jaebum’s glare he took the box with himself and disappeared in Jinyoung’s bedroom.


	14. Sweet and bitter

Jaebum shot up trying to untie himself from his bedsheets in panic. He breathed heavily to the beat of his racing heart. It was just a nightmare, he didn’t even remember what it was after a second. He only remembered the sound of a crash, blinding light, the redness of blood. Nothing more.

He tried to fall back asleep but the thumping in his chest didn’t let him. He decided to go to the kitchen and drink some water. He tried to be quiet, but apparently, he wasn’t silent enough.

“Jaebum?” Jackson asked in a soft voice, appearing as unclothed as ever, though Jaebum was thankful that he, at least, had boxers on.

“I’m alright,” he said between gulps, “it was just a nightmare.”

He was still wary of Jackson in a strange way. Of them all Jackson’s attitude towards him felt the most complicated. Not to mention he promised himself not to sleep with the man, and he did not want Jackson to be affectionate towards him, but he felt weak now, and Jackson was the only one here, the only one he could lean on in this unexpected situation. He wasn’t prepared for one that teased him so much to turn suddenly serious. So when Jackson’s hand rested comfortingly on his back, he could do nothing but relax into it.

“You shouldn’t be alone,” Jackson said with gentle decisiveness.

Jaebum stared at him, astonished.

“I’m not a child,” he shot back, “I will get over it.”

“Everyone gets nightmares sometimes,” Jackson answered, his hand passing to Jaebum’s shoulder, “it feels good to have someone near. Safe.”

“Are you suggesting I should sleep with you?”

“Yes,” Jackson answered immediately and added after seeing Jaebum’s scandalized face, “just sleeping, Jaebum.”

He opened his lips unable to answer. Despite everything it seemed so tempting, to have someone close, watching over him. He felt cold and hot at the same time, his body reacting to Jackson’s hand moving to his cheek, drawing nearer before he stopped himself. The image of Jinyoung waking up alone, of finding Jackson in his bed made him step back.

“No,” Jaebum said, his voice weaker than he would like, “your boyfriend is there, I can’t steal you away.”

“Then let’s go to Jinyoung’s room.”

Jaebum’s heart jumped in shock.

“What?”

“Let’s go to Jinyoung’s bed, it’s big enough.”

“I can’t go there, he wouldn’t let –“

“Jinyoung won’t mind.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Okay, then let me ask him,” Jackson said already making his way towards Jinyoung’s bedroom.

Jaebum caught his wrist in panic.

“You can’t wake him up now, he has work tomorrow –“

What stopped his blundering was a phone call, Jinyoung’s private cellphone. It sounded for a moment before the sound was interrupted and a minute later Jinyoung stepped out of the bedroom.

Jinyoung was also only in boxers but Jaebum couldn’t focus on that, because Jinyoung’s face filled him with dread. He was nodding and mumbling to his phone in a manner that seemed calm but his eyes were afraid, pressing. He looked at them with urgency and said to the person on the phone to wait a second.

“Bambam’s in the hospital, he had an accident. He’s stable.”

Jaebum felt a tremor. He thought it was his body, but the shaking came from the hand he had grasped, Jackson’s hand. He looked to see him open-mouthed and wide-eyed as if the information paralyzed him, and that seemed to be a perfect representation of what Jaebum himself experienced.

“Mark’s there, I’m going too. If you want to join get dressed,” Jinyoung said with practicality and went immediately back to his room, Jackson following him on shaky legs.

Jaebum was afraid to let Jinyoung drive in a state of emotional turmoil, but he felt he was probably the one dealing with it the best. Jinyoung was a man of action, his hand could remain stable when he had a purpose in mind. Jaebum’s own hands were trembling as he squeezed them into his trousers. He thought about reaching out to Jackson, both of them in the backseat, but when he turned he couldn’t even see his face, Jackson’s neck craned to look out the window, his whole appearance the most unapproachable Jaebum ever saw him. So the three of them rode in silence that gave Jaebum too much time to think.

His head was filled with Bambam, and he couldn’t stop terrible visions of the man in the hospital bed, or worse yet, in a car, blood escaping him in currents. Jinyoung told them simple facts; while Bambam was driving from the airport someone collided with him and his car was overturned on a highway. It was a miracle, really, that he survived, and was apparently ‘almost unharmed’, but Jaebum couldn’t stop the what ifs. His mind didn’t let him get over the thought that Bambam could have died, really be gone, and what it would mean to him. And he could see, with such horrible clarity, a funeral, and he knew none of them would be the same after that. He would never be the same without Bambam.

He followed in Jinyoung’s footsteps, the somber mood holding him to the hospital room, but it was ruined when they entered and Jackson stepped forward. Jaebum only got a glimpse of Bambam before they were all startled.

“The fuck did you think you were doing?” Jackson yelled, and they all stared at him in shock, most of all Bambam.

“What –“ he started saying in a weak, confused voice, but Jackson didn’t let him finish.

“Why are you never careful!”

“It was not my fault,” Bambam bristled, his voice gaining volume, “it was that motherfucker who –“

“Yeah, right!” Jackson looked furious, and Bambam’s anger at being scolded seemed weak compared to his madness, “I know how you drive.”

Bambam opened his lips again, getting angrier by second and Jackson made a step towards him, by which all of them felt threatened. Mark stood up and collided with him, drawing him back.

“You never think about what we would feel if you –“ Jackson started to shout again, but Mark managed to take him out of the room, Jinyoung closing the door behind them.

They were all thrown out of balance by this outburst, Bambam slowly settling down into a calmer, but not any less shocked pose. But seeing him, Jaebum was now occupied in checking him over visually. He was in bandages, his body bruised all over, and he hit his head, which was the most dangerous, but he really looked quite all right for such a serious accident. Whatever god or anything that watched over him was there, Jaebum would always be thankful.

Jinyoung approached Bambam first, while Jaebum was still trying to hold in his panic. It had tired him, the trembling, so when he finally managed to come forward, his body sat heavily on the bed. He couldn’t look away from Bambam but it was also difficult to look straight at him, it was too much.

When Bambam asked if he was alright, instead of the question directed at him, and reached his hand to the side of Jaebum’s face, Jaebum had to close his eyes to hold in the tears. He could have died. There were many ways people parted from each other, break-ups, sudden silence, but none of them was like death. Only death was final. And he didn’t want to part from Bambam, not now, not in the future.

“I just-” Jaebum said, his voice trembling. It was clear in his mind, so straightforward, but it was hard to say “I love you so much, I –“ his voice got stuck in his throat.

“I know,” Bambam answered and that made Jaebum open his eyes fully to see Bambam’s amused smile, “but did I really have to almost die for you to realize it? Do we all have to stand at the edge of a cliff for you to sort this out?” he ran his thumb beneath Jaebum’s eye, “Love is easy, hyung. It’s just people you don’t want to lose. The rest are details.”

Jaebum made a pained face.

“Don’t stress him out, Bammie,” Jinyoung scolded, and Bambam looked at him with a wicked smile.

Bambam’s hand travelled down to Jaebum’s own and when Jinyoung sat down, he placed his on top of theirs. He was so calm, so level-headed the whole way here, but now it was gone, and his hand was cold with sweat, his eyes burning.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Jinyoung said in a desperate voice and Jaebum didn’t know how, but he and Bambam moved in the same moment and pulled Jinyoung forward, hugging him tightly, Jinyoung hovering over them in an awkward pose. That was the first moment that Jaebum felt his heart quiet down that night.

He wasn’t fully asleep on Bambam’s hospital bed, curled with his back against Bambam’s side, but rather in the heavy state between sleep and wakefulness. He heard the opening door and with great effort, he opened his eyes to see Yugyeom. Despite his drowsiness, he managed to react quickly when he saw Yugyeom’s state, his trembling lips, and shivering body, and force the man out the door into the corridor, so that his sobs wouldn’t wake Bambam or Jinyoung, that dozed off in the chair holding Bambam’s hand.

But the moment they were out in the corridor he let Yugyeom’s large body collapse into his arms, the sobs shaking them both, as Yugyeom held him tightly and hid his sniveling face in Jaebum’s shoulder. Jaebum held him just as tight, his hand lifting to pet Yugyeom’s hair in a calming motion. Yugyeom was a big man, but Jaebum felt him to be younger and tinier now, all curled into his body like this.

“Shh,” he was trying to calm him with a soft tone, kissing his hair, “it’s alright. Bambam’s fine, nothing happened to him. He will be fine.”

Yugyeom moved his lips away from his shirt to speak in a weak, hiccupping tone.

“I didn’t pick up,” he said, as if he committed the biggest sin, “I didn’t wake up when Mark called.”

“Nothing happened. Mark got here first, Bambam wasn’t alone.”

Actually, Bambam was probably the calmest person in here. He was strong and prideful, he wouldn’t let them see him weak so easily. Even hurt he did not lose this quality.

But Bambam would probably react the same way if something happened to Yugyeom. Whatever they called each other, whatever they were to each other, ‘best friends’ or more, their bond was sure. And now Jaebum realized that if Bambam was right, if love was what he said, then he already had more people that he loved than he ever had before. And one of them was fitting into him, seeking comfort.

Comfort – that was a thing he could give. He couldn’t manage the practical side as well as Jinyoung or Mark, but he could help them. He turned his head to the side and saw that Mark was still here, playing on his phone and glancing up at them from time to time. Next to him Jackson also didn’t leave. The only one who wasn’t here was Youngjae, who was visiting his mother that now lived in the countryside, and so they decided to call him in the morning. Mark had already been on the phone all the time with Bambam’s family, Jaebum had heard him going in and out of the room to check on him.

Jackson had an air around him that was still angry, he was wallowing in silent rage, Jaebum could see, but underneath it, there was stronger despair. Jaebum knew such anger, one that was born from conflicting emotions, the misery that showed itself in violent ways. Jackson had been the one that helped him find a way to deal with it, at least in some part. Now it was time to repay it – help Jackson and bring him comfort. His irritation with the man was nothing in this situation, a passing thing. He wasn’t sure he was able to support him but he endeavored to try. And though he loathed to leave Bambam’s side, Jinyoung and Mark had the situation managed here, and Yugyeom was calming down, they could let him in.

When he disappeared into the hospital room, Jaebum approached the two sitting outside.

“Tell them I took Jackson home,” he said to Mark, “inform me about the situation.”

Mark agreed and Jaebum leaned down to pull on Jackson’s arm, but Jackson didn’t move.

“No,” he told Jaebum, his eyes fiery.

“Please,” Jaebum said and Jackson was confused by the soft tone, “let’s go.”

This time he allowed Jaebum to lift him up. Jaebum took Mark’s car and drove a long way in the same tense silence to Jackson’s huge apartment.

Jackson had a vast exercise space. He did nothing as Jaebum dragged him to it and stared at him dumbly when they stopped.

“You showed me how to redirect my anger,” he told Jackson, “you can do it the same way.”

“It won’t work,” Jackson answered curtly. More than angry, he seemed spent now, resigned.

“Come on,” Jaebum said with a smile, “imagine I’m Bambam. You can shout at me, or hit me, or do whatever you want –“

He wasn’t expecting the sudden move that had Jackson right in front of his face and pressing their lips together. He didn’t even move his mouth, just connected them desperately, clung to him, and Jaebum was too shocked to do anything before it ended. He didn’t quite understand this kiss, it wasn’t designed to be sensual or even pleasant, it was just rough feeling.

He stared at Jackson when the other drew back, and Jackson smiled at him sadly, tiredly.

“That is mostly what I want to do to Bambam.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Jaebum was confused. What was all that shouting at the hospital for if they could just do that?

“I can’t. He wouldn’t let me.”

Jaebum still stared without understanding and Jackson sighed in answer, sitting down on the exercise mat, Jaebum following in his example.

“I met Bambam before I met Jinyoung on some party and we became fast friends. You know how I am, I flirt with friends too. But he was looking so much like a kid, and I was almost twenty, sixteen seemed so young for me then. So when he made a move I rejected him. He has never forgiven me that.”

“But you’re friends.”

“Friends yes, but I –“ Jackson stopped with a heavy sigh, “- god, it’s so stupid of me. Now the age difference seems like nothing and you know how Bambam looks. No wonder he never lets me make a move, I’m just happy he doesn’t hate me and lets us be friends.”

Jaebum pondered this in silence. He could see Jackson’s point, but he could picture Bambam’s outrage at being treated like a kid even better. No, it could not be easy to get over that.

“It must have been quite a shock for you when he got together with Jinyoung.”

“Yeah,” Jackson admitted with exhaustion, “there was a time when I had to internalize all my feelings about that. I didn’t want Jinyoung to pay for my mistakes. But in the end, Jinyoung brought us closer, so really, it’s better this way. Bambam barely talked to me before that happened.”

“You don’t really want to be only friends, do you?”

“Of course not. But he trusts me now, I can’t destroy that with something stupid. Normally, I’m able to hold it in. Today was just –“

“I understand,” Jaebum said, “it was shocking, the possibility of his death. It made me realize some things too.”

“I didn’t want to shout at him,” Jackson stated, “I was so relieved to see him whole, but he was just lucky. What if he’s not, the next time?”

He could feel Jackson’s anxiety, it had been mirrored in his heart. A fight would be a good way to dispel this tension, but there were other ways. He crawled over to Jackson and kissed his upper lip softly. He was supposed not to sleep with him, but apparently keeping promised with himself was still outside of his ability.

“You know,” he said, smooching Jackson again, “I’m fine with being a substitute.”

“Jaebum,” Jackson said wretchedly, his hand going up to push him gently away, “I don’t want that. I’m sorry about that kiss, I just wasn’t able to explain it in any other way. You could be nobody’s substitute, don’t ever think that.”

“What a polite rejection.”

“Come at me when I’m in my right mind,” Jackson answered, some of his flirtatiousness returning into his demeanor, “it won’t happen again.”

Jaebum smiled at him. He felt more connected to Jackson now. He had always been the one who was see-through for him, now he felt it level-out as Jackson showed him this side of himself.

“Will you stay? I have about five hours until I have to start work, with you I may be able to rest a bit.”

Jaebum nodded enthusiastically. From the beginning, he never planned to leave this place tonight.

In the end, Jackson did not get much rest, as they couldn’t stop talking, facing each other in the dark. They were close, their voices whispering. The night and early morning, the lack of light, it seemed to make some words easier for Jackson to let out.

Jaebum had learned all about Bambam from the time Jackson met him, how different he was from the Bambam now. How Bambam had kissed Jackson, baring his feelings, and how Jackson, scared of this honest, simple need, was rude in the way he rebuffed the sixteen-year-old. Bambam had apparently not taken it well, he refused to pick up his calls, answer his messages, and when they met by accident he treated him as if he didn’t exist. And so they met each other little and when Jinyoung had introduced Bambam to Jackson, it was a person different than Jackson knew, his childishness gone to mature into a marvelous creature, but icy and unapproachable.

“Of course, he wasn’t that changed, it was just different appearance and behavior,” Jackson said, his eyes glowing, “I didn’t know I loved him when he was younger, and when I was smacked with the sight of this beautiful, prideful, and sharp man, I didn’t realize it either. I just wanted to know if the Bambam I knew was still in there, I wanted him to warm up to me. But when I started, when he slowly lost this iciness and started trusting me again, laughing with me again, when I saw he was the same, unique person, it hit me. And I despaired because I knew he has not forgiven me that I broke his heart.”

“Did you never try to do anything about it?”

“I flirt with him like I flirt with everyone, he thinks nothing of it so I’m safe to do it. I tried to kiss him once, he was so close and I couldn’t stop myself. But he did stop me, without words, just an incredulous look that made me ashamed.”

“So when you said you’re attracted to me and jealous, you meant –“

“Bambam plays around, but it’s not always like that. He’s serious about Jinyoung, about Mark, or Yugyeom. And he was taken in by you so quickly, of course, I was irritated,” Jackson revealed, looking at him with a smile, “but at the same time, I don’t blame him. So I was between this state of being a bit peeved that he liked you so much immediately and knowing it was the same for me.”

“Are you confessing right now?”

“Come on, Jaebum,” Jackson tutted, “you know I like you. You know I’m not the only one.”

“It’s complicated. Even with just one person, it’s difficult, and with more …”

“I know. It took me some time to get used to this. But once you let go of the idea that this is hard, it becomes easier. You have more people who will support you, like I have you now. And I still feel jealous or possessive at times, as you have experienced as of late. But I like that you can take it, and I like you have a temper. Jinyoung and Mark get too reasonable, and Bambam gets cold when he’s angry. You are hot-blooded, it’s exciting.”

“Are you trying to seduce me or piss me off?” Jaebum said with a laugh.

He got what Jackson said. It was easier to fight with Jackson than any of them because he was not all reason, he got emotional too, illogical. A hot-temper was something they shared.

In the morning, he called Mark to find out Bambam had demanded to be released to his house and they were to meet there. Him, Mark, and Jinyoung talked inside Bambam’s living room. He had to be under observation still, his body was fragile after all the bruising and his head injury could cause nausea and fainting, they couldn’t leave him alone. Yugyeom had wanted to stay with him, but he had performances this week, and had to practice a lot, and so they all disagreed. Jinyoung couldn’t stay as well, his work was not now at a point that he could take leave. So Jaebum asked Jinyoung if he could deal without him for a week and they came up with a division that would have either Mark or Jaebum always in the house.

Before Jinyoung left, Jaebum stopped him on the porch.

“Did you know? About Jackson and Bambam?”

Jinyoung looked into his eyes with weightiness.

“About Jackson’s feelings? Yes, he told me.”

“I think this isn’t beyond fixing.”

“Fixing what?”

“I don’t think Bambam is as unfeeling towards him as he wants to be.”

Jinyoung sighed.

“I can’t know. Bambam shut me down when I tried to talk with him, said it’s none of my business.”

“But he hasn’t said that to me yet,” Jaebum said with a smirk.

Jinyoung stared at him, his opinion unclear.

“No, he hasn’t,” he squeezed Jaebum’s arm in goodbye, “don’t do anything rash.”

It wasn’t a ‘no’ then. Just a ‘be careful.’

He didn’t want to stress Bambam out right away and he didn’t know how to ask. So he decided to make his first day back at home pleasant, pushing through the sleepiness while he was preparing lunch. It turned out they were both quite exhausted, Bambam probably from painkillers, as they dozed off before the TV. This nap gave him a little strength to do something. Bambam had employed someone to keep the house clean and feed his cats while he was gone, though Jaebum had told him he would have done it, but it was apparently ‘too long an absence for that.’ Because of that, he didn’t really need to tidy up, so he played with the cats for a bit. He would go shopping, but Mark already called him for the shopping list and he was on his way back from the market. He took to preparing the Korean spicy crab stew while Mark helped with not getting Bambam’s bandages wet while he washed. All three of them ate dinner together in a friendly and peaceful atmosphere.

At night, Jaebum wasn’t sure where he was to sleep, though he wasn’t surprised when Bambam took him to his bedroom. He had been a guest here before either way. At dinner, Bambam talked with them about his trip, how visiting his family had been, but now he admitted to Jaebum things he wouldn’t say in daylight – that he still saw it when he closed his eyes, the car crash, swinging upside down, held only by his belt, how terrified he was until the people around managed to get him out of there. And Jaebum was terrified with him, but he tried to soothe Bambam, let him lay on his chest and caressed his hair until he felt the other’s breathing level into sleep. Bambam rarely looked as defenseless or small as he did using Jaebum’s body for rest, carefully avoiding pressing into him too much because of his bruises. Even when Jaebum’s started getting uncomfortable from being unable to move, he didn’t dare do anything about it, he wanted Bambam to feel well-rested in the morning.

When he woke up his body was stiff but he received a very enthusiastic kiss from a joyous-looking Bambam, so it was worth it. And he kissed back, letting his hand travel gently over Bambam, not wanting to aggravate his injuries, but finding ways to make the man relax further. He decided to make at least this time enjoyable to him and his hand went to pull on Bambam’s cock, not quite as delicate on this part of his body, having Bambam whine into his mouth. They haven’t touched each other for what felt like a long time and he wanted to greet his body appropriately.

He let three days pass like this, but he had to approach the topic someday. He found no round-about way to put it, so he just decided to be straight-forward.

“I talked with Jackson that night they let you out of the hospital.”

“And?” Bambam asked, not looking away from the TV.

“And he told me how you two met.”

Now, Bambam’s piercing eyes landed on him.

“I guess he told you a lot of things.”

“He told me how he rejected you.”

“He was never one to spare talking about my embarrassment,” Bambam answered, looking offended, “but it doesn’t matter. _You_ can spare talking to me about it.”

“He’s in love with you, you know that, don’t you?”

Bambam raised his chin in a show of a cruel, uncaring expression.

“That’s his problem, not mine.”

“And you feel nothing for him now?”

“What’s it to you?” Bambam said, turning more in his direction, and his defensiveness about it already made Jaebum want to talk about it more. “We don’t actually _have_ to all sleep with each other, you know? It’s not a prerequisite to be with Jinyoung, and even if you want that, it doesn’t mean I do. Fuck Jackson if you want, but don’t involve me.”

Jaebum set his jaw and counted to ten in his mind to hold in his reaction to Bambam’s words. This was not about him, Bambam just tried to distract him.

“I can understand why you find it hard to forgive him but –“

“No,” Bambam said with a humorless laugh, “I thought you could understand me, but you can’t. You want to help him, you’re so damn caring, like all of them. I thought you could be cruel like me.”

Jaebum could certainly be cruel but he didn’t see the connection.

“They’re all so nice and good; Jinyoung, Jackson,” Bambam said with distaste, “well, I’m not nice or good. I’m meaner than all of you. I thought you could get this.”

“You’re not a bad person.”

“I don’t care if I am. Whatever moral standards people have, I don’t care. Jackson too, fuck him, did he think I was a fucking virgin at sixteen?” Bambam bristled. So Bambam never got over that. “But you know what? It’s fine. He had the right to reject me for whatever reason. If I were a good person, I would have left it at that.”

Jaebum stared without understanding.

“What, did you think that I started going out with Jackson’s boyfriend just by accident? Of course not. I found out who it was and pursued him. I wanted to break Jackson’s heart into pieces, take what was his. I even asked Yugyeom to flirt with him too.”

Jaebum opened his lips wide with disbelief. He was always convinced that Jinyoung was the one who seduced all of them, but it wasn’t like that. He had been trapped. And Jaebum understood now, and he smiled with reluctant admiration.

“But it didn’t work,” he said looking into Bambam’s eyes, “because you and Yugyeom both fell in love with Jinyoung.”

Bambam’s jaw was more angular in his anger, and he spoke up unwillingly.

“I admit, I underestimated how skilled Jinyoung was. By the time I realized I had feelings for him, it was too late. I also didn’t know what sort of relationship they all had, that this did not automatically mean destroying it.”

Jaebum smiled. Bambam could have tried longer to destroy their relationships, there were other ways.

“So all this, because of Jackson.”

He was sure now, that this was important. Jackson was the driving point for Bambam, and this was never resolved between them.

“None of your –“

“That won’t work on me, I’m not Jinyoung. I’m not very good at minding my own business.”

Bambam closed his mouth with annoyance but a moment later a devilish look passed his face.

“Fine, if you’re such a specialist with feelings, let’s play,” Bambam said, leaning towards him, “let’s say I feel for Jackson what you feel for Jinyoung. And I’m not with Jackson for the same reasons you’re not with Jinyoung.”

Jaebum had no answer to that and so their conversation stilled. Although, that did not mean he gave up. He just needed to process it, and when he finally did, he called Jackson, who arrived at Bambam’s house the next evening to Bambam’s great ire.

“He just came to apologize,” Jaebum said. As far as Jackson knew, that was what he came here for.

Jackson started approaching the couch and Bambam glared at him.

“I’m sorry for shouting at the hospital, I was just so worried and couldn’t deal with the thought of losing you.”

“It’s fine, whatever,” Bambam answered, seemingly calming down hearing that it was what they meant by an apology. But Jackson continued.

“And I’m sorry for everything that happened, that I hurt you all those years ago –“

“Stop,” now Bambam interrupted, his eyes hardening, “shut up. I don’t want to hear that.”

Jackson swallowed nervously and stood there like a kicked puppy and Jaebum just couldn’t bear all this tension. Whatever Bambam suggested, he and Jinyoung were never _that_ bad. Thinking about the man carried a certain memory back and brought a smile to his face. Well, payback was only fair.

He stood up to approach Jackson who looked at him curiously but didn’t move away when Jaebum put his hands on his shoulder and leaned down to kiss him. They hardly had a real kiss before, but this time he opened Jackson’s mouth, licked the inside of him, and Jackson, although a bit confusedly, answered. He had colour in his cheeks when Jaebum let him go and with a quick smile returned to sit next to Bambam’s couch.

Bambam was staring at him with surprise and suspicion so Jaebum used his hands, one on his chin, and one on the nape of his neck, to not let Bambam escape before he realized what he planned. It was too late when Jaebum collided with him, kissed him roughly, his tongue tangling with Bambam who only tried to protest for a second. When Bambam did it, there had been a sweet dissolving inside their mouths, but now it was just their own sweetness. The other kissed back, with anger, but passionately, letting them fill the other, so when they separated, Jaebum was out of breath for a moment. When he regained it, he leaned to Bambam’s ear.

“Could you feel Jackson’s taste too?” he said unable to hide the glee in his voice.

Bambam’s eyes were thundering when he looked back at him, but Jaebum was far from being afraid.

“Come on, Bambam,” he said trying to lose his smugness, “does he have to stand at the edge of the cliff for you to sort it out?”

“What are you, a fucking parrot?” Bambam threw back at him, and Jaebum recaptured the lips, Bambam’s rage making the kiss eager, painful almost as he held Jaebum’s tongue between his teeth. Jaebum retaliated, moving his hand down Bambam’s body, letting his hand skim over Bambam’s crotch making the other gasp.

That was enough easing the way, now, Jackson had to deal with this on his own. Jaebum put his hand on Jackson’s shoulder on his way out.

“Good luck,” was the only thing he said, with an encouraging smile, and winked at Bambam in goodbye.

He could have stayed with them, he was very curious to know how it would go, but he felt that this was private. No matter in how many points they met, some things still were only between two people. However it would go, that was on them now, he could only encourage them.

He didn’t want to sleep alone, he hadn’t done that since his nightmare. That was why he turned to Mark’s flat and decided not to come back home. Mark allowed him to come in, of course, though he did ask questions.

“Why not go to Jinyoung?”

“I don’t want to sleep alone.”

“Repeating my question.”

Jaebum swallowed. He would have denied the option before, but why? Why was it so difficult to admit he wanted this?

“I need to sort out my thoughts. This is difficult for me. Can I please stay?”

“Of course.”

He was afraid Mark would not let him sleep on the same bed and go to the couch, but the moment he laid down with his back to him, he felt Mark’s hands going round him, hugging him, the man spooning him and kissing his ear lightly.

“You don’t need to rush with anything,” Mark said soothingly.

Jaebum squeezed his hand but he didn’t entirely agree. He felt the need to do something, to understand himself. His patience was at its limits.

In the morning he decided to go check if Jackson was still alive and well because he didn’t have a hundred percent certainty. But Jackson opened the door, his familiar naked body only in boxers, and a chirping attitude about him. He greeted Jaebum with a kiss and a thank you so he guessed it had gone well.

Bambam seemed irritated but not in the way he was yesterday. He was embarrassed, Jaebum guessed. When they were sitting at the table, Jackson eating his breakfast, Bambam’s hand was stretched on the counter, and Jackson’s hand travelled along it, interweaving their fingers. Bambam didn’t deny it, he just turned his head to the side with his mouth covered by his other hand that was his chin rest, mumbling something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like ‘why are you so gay’ but otherwise, his fingers were closed around Jackson’s, the man beaming at Jaebum, and he mirrored it, happy as if it was his victory.

“I’m taking leave from my job for the week, switching to phone contact only. My assistant will manage in most cases,” Jackson informed him, “so I will be staying with Bambam.”

“I told him he didn’t have to,” Bambam provided defensively.

“And I told you I want to,” Jackson answered, unbothered, “oh, but of course, you can stay with us too, Jaebum. You’re a better cook than either of us. In fact, please stay. We’re going to have fun.”

“Jackson,” Bambam cut in before Jaebum had a chance to refuse, “he wants to go back to Jinyoung.”

He would have actually liked to stay with them but Bambam was right. Though more than ‘want to’ return, he felt like he needed to.

“I dealt with my issues,” Bambam told him, his fingers twitching in Jackson’s hand, “it’s your turn now, hyung.”

Bambam always looked at him with this terrible understanding, it was hard to disagree with his words, so he didn’t even try to.

“Good luck,” Jackson echoed his earlier goodbye.

Jinyoung was working, Jaebum could hear the fingers on the keyboard, but the door to the office was open. Jaebum went to it on light feet, inaudible under the sound of the radio Jinyoung had on. For a moment he just looked at Jinyoung hard at work, the glasses and his serious expression a sight to see.

When Jinyoung raised his head, the fingers on the keyboard stopped and he looked at Jaebum with surprise.

“I’m home,” Jaebum said with a smile and Jinyoung stood up walking in his direction.

He knew he shouldn’t disturb Jinyoung when he was working but he couldn’t stop himself, and Jinyoung seemed to be too distracted already. So he went in his direction too, and when Jinyoung stopped, Jaebum didn’t, his arms going around the other in a tight hold. He couldn’t face him right away, eyes told too much.

Jinyoung embraced him as well, his hands strong on Jaebum’s back and Jaebum put his chin on Jinyoung’s shoulder, took in the smell of a fresh shirt, and Jinyoung’s shampoo. He had once seen a documentary on how the brain reacted to familiar smells in which the parts of the brain lit up with different colours, and wondered if that was what was happening inside him right now.

“How did it go? Are you back for good?”

“Mhm,” Jaebum acquiesced searching for his voice, “I fixed it, I think. Or helped, in a small way.”

Jinyoung was silent.

“Are you jealous, Jinyoung?”

He didn’t think Jinyoung would be, not with how freely he thought, but then, Jinyoung also got possessive at times. He didn’t always predict what he would feel.

“Not about Jackson and Bambam, I’m happy for them. I just –“ Jinyoung stopped, his hand caressing his back, “I wasn’t a part of it. I know it was none of my business, but they let you help.”

“Bambam didn’t ‘let me’ do anything, I’m just a busy-body.”

“I wasn’t even sure how Bambam felt.”

“I wasn’t sure either until he told me.”

“What did he tell you?”

Jaebum remembered Bambam’s words but translating them required him to admit certain things to himself.

“That he loves Jackson,” he started, his heart beating faster, “but that he was too afraid to do anything about it. That some bonds are too deep, that sometimes we need someone too much and it terrifies us.”

“Bambam said that?” Jinyoung asked with disbelief.

“Not in these words,” Jaebum admitted, snuggling more into Jinyoung’s shirt, “but I understood.”

He wondered if the beating of his heart alone, if the clenching of his fingers, could transmit these feelings to Jinyoung. The other was quiet, as if he was wondering about something, his hands never halting their soothing movement.

“Jaebum,” he said after a while, moving a little back, so their eyes finally met, “I’m going to Hokkaido for work.”

Jaebum’s chest squeezed.

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure; two, three weeks.”

Jaebum didn’t want that. He didn’t want Jinyoung to leave even for such a short time, but he was ashamed of feeling this way, so he let his eyes down before Jinyoung could read it from them.

His gaze was drawn back up with the hand that tipped his chin in Jinyoung’s direction again.

“Would you like to go with –“

“Yes,” Jaebum exclaimed, his breath escaping him before Jinyoung could finish, “take me with you.”


	15. Tomorrow

This was another world. It was like getting out of a cage, the loud, gray cage of the city to the green open fields and calming forests. Jaebum never breathed air this fresh and he never felt freer than walking through the fields alone, the sounds of crickets his only companions, the summer sun making every color more pronounced.

When Jinyoung had told him he was going to Hokkaido for work, Jaebum imagined they would go to the city. It was later that he found out Jinyoung’s job was to convince his old boss that dwelled in the countryside to give them the plans he never allowed anyone to see. Apparently, the man used no internet, and rarely picked up his phone, and was difficult at the best of times, but he had ‘not hated’ Jinyoung as much as the others, so they sent him.

Jaebum never imagined that it would be like this here, that he would feel like this. The mountains behind him, the sea not far from him, and around forests, fields, meadows, rivers. This was paradise he had not known.

They had loaned the coziest little wooden house, which Jaebum loved, but he felt the needed to be outside in nature every day. In the city, he had not had that need to get out, but here, he was only in the house in the mornings and the evenings. Jinyoung spent at least some part of the day in his old boss's house, and Jaebum was left on his own, free to do whatever he liked.

He remembered how terribly he didn’t want to be left alone in the flat, despite knowing the others would visit him. And the first day that Jinyoung left him to go to his old boss, telling Jaebum he would spare him meeting the man, he was also wary. Maybe because he knew Jinyoung would return, he didn’t mind now. His walks alone were dear to him already and as he left the field to walk along the road, rare cars passing him by, he reached a crossroad. It reminded him of one particular talk he had with Youngjae.

“I used to be fine with being alone before. Now it seems I have lost this ability,” he told Youngjae. The topic was brought up by Youngjae’s new song on the topic, that they were reviewing.

“I like being alone. And I like being with others. The two things don’t go against each other,” Youngjae answered plainly.

“I know. I think it’s weird that I’m like this.”

“I think we need solitude to understand the world. But we need other people to understand ourselves.”

“But isn’t what we show other people only a mask? Aren’t we most ourselves when we are alone?”

“Aren’t our masks a part of us? We may think that we are this one thing but there are traits that only others can bring out of us. Otherwise, they might stay hidden forever. It is proof that our thoughts and emotions are endless, that we are always more than we see. A runner will never know the limits of his endurance until he reaches it, and sometimes we run and run and never stop at all.”

Jaebum wondered. He would never run unless he had to, it seemed too tiring.

“You did say that Jinyoung showed you different parts of yourself. Is that why you love him?”

“Love is a complex emotion. Words or music can only give glimpses of it. But through Jinyoung’s love, I understand music better.”

That sounded different from what Bambam said. Was Youngjae’s love the same as his? Was it different for everyone?

“He’s an inspiration?”

“No, Jinyoung is far more than that. He is one of the people I chose to walk with me, and give me a hand when I stumble.”

“So you walk the same path?”

Youngjae looked entertained.

“I don’t think paths can be the same if people are separate. We walk next to each other but the legs that carry me are my own. And if there comes a crossroad I will have to decide myself, even if someone pulls and pushes me.”

“You always go forward,” Jaebum said with envy, “I am at a standstill.”

“It may look like that now,” Youngjae answered, his eyes clear, “but someday you will look back and see how many steps away you are.”

Jaebum did feel that the life he had before Jinyoung was different, that he had changed in a way already. Was Jinyoung changing him, or was he helping him understand himself better? Were they all bringing out the sides of him he didn’t know? He certainly didn’t wholly understand them, and he didn’t understand Jinyoung. But did he have to understand him first, to be able to think that he loved him? Was it complicated or was it simple?

He could go either left or right on the crossroad but he chose neither, pressing on through another meadow. There was no trail there for a while, but if one walked long enough they reached a thin dirt road. That was where he saw a figure approaching from afar. As he went towards it the figure became more and more Jinyoung-like with every step. He knew Jinyoung might choose that rode back, though his hours were not regular, it was by accident that they met.

As he greeted the other the warm wind brought with it not only the smell of sun-heated grass but also the sharp odor of paint or varnish that had dirtied Jinyoung’s clothes and a faint whiff of salty sweat. Jaebum had to stop himself from following that smell and stepping closer to hide his nose against the crook of Jinyoung’s neck. He was not an animal and he should not behave like one.

Even Jinyoung looked different here. Because the old boss made him do all sorts of menial tasks, he wore adequate workwear: old jeans and striped shirts from coarse material. This particular one was red, and the way it was dirtied made him look like some sort of handyman. Jaebum had often seen him with his fringe down, but now it was curling from sweat. He was between finding it adorable and incredibly stimulating.

They started making their way slowly back to the house, Jinyoung telling him that he had to refresh a shed and that was why he was so ‘unappealing.’ Jaebum would rather not say that Jinyoung couldn’t look that way if he tried. After that, they walked a moment in silence and Jaebum mused.

“Do you believe in fate?” he asked Jinyoung, remembering yet another talk he had with Youngjae.

“I used to distrust the idea,” Jinyoung answered, looking down at the road, “I always thought that things happened either because of accident or will. But I’m unsure now.”

“Why?”

“So many things happened to me that seemed random, but formed the strangest connections.”

Jaebum looked at him and Jinyoung looked back, but then his eyes went to the road again.

“I would have never met you if it weren’t for Youngjae.”

“Youngjae?” Jaebum asked with surprise. Youngjae was the one who said that he met Jaebum because of Jinyoung, that it was fate.

“I never normally go anywhere near that park,” Jinyoung provided, “the night before our meeting I had a fight with Youngjae, about something inconsequential, staying on his phone and not turning the brightness down when I wanted to sleep. But he ended up pretty upset about it,” Jinyoung said, with a love-struck smile, “there is one particular Italian sweet Youngjae loves, and the only patisserie in the city that sells it is by that park.”

Jaebum halted and Jinyoung turned to watch him laugh there, in the middle of the road.

“So we met because of some sweet you wanted to buy to placate your boyfriend?”

Jinyoung smiled.

“Is that fate, Jinyoung? Isn’t that just an accident?”

“I don’t know. But maybe I would have never met you if Jackson didn’t bail on his brother when he came to visit, and I had to accompany him to the opera where I heard an amazing singer, that I could not stop thinking about. Maybe if Mark didn’t pull Youngjae into the mobile game I would have never had that argument with him in the first place,” Jinyoung revealed, standing still, the world getting orange with the setting sun, “similarly, would Bambam and Yugyeom ever pick me out of the crowd if it wasn’t that one day I went to a club and chatted up a random handsome guy by the bar?”

“Jackson.”

“Jackson had once said it’s yuanfen that made it like this.”

“A fateful coincidence?”

“Does the net of connections exist beforehand, or do we make it afterward? Who can say if we give order and sense to mere chaos, or if things are supposed to happen?”

Was it by accident, was it by fate, or by decision that he wanted Jinyoung? Was he always supposed to walk towards him, or did his mind make his legs step forward consciously? It didn’t change that he did walk forward, approaching Jinyoung’s side and continuing on the road to the house to reach it before nightfall.

***

He had to step over the puzzle pieces of the half-finished large picture from the box they had found on the shelf to pass Jinyoung his beer. Jinyoung was on the phone and Jaebum wondered if he should sit beside him on the couch, drinking his own beer but Jinyoung didn’t blink at his company and spoke further on. It was Bambam from what he could hear.

“They want to talk with you, too,” Jinyoung said, passing him the phone.

“They?” he said, taking the phone and immediately hearing three voices.

“Hyung, how are you?” Yugyeom inquired sweetly.

“You never call, Jaebeomie, you’re worse than Jinyoung,” he could hear Jackson pout through the phone.

“So,” Bambam started, sounding as if he had to wrestle for the phone, “how is daddy number two finding his vacation? Did you do it with daddy number one yet?”

“A who?” he answered dumbfounded.

“Did I stutter, daddy?” Bambam answered, and Jaebum immediately wished Jinyoung was not sitting next to him.

“Why are you so weird?” he answered instead, hearing Yugyeom laugh, “I’m only four years older than you.”

“As if that would stop him from saying it,” Jackson said, taking the phone if Bambam’s irritated cursing was any indication. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he said, smiling despite himself, “great, even.”

“That’s awesome,” Jackson answered, “eh, but you don’t sound like you miss us at all.”

“We saw each other last week.”

“Oh, I bet if you didn’t see Jinyoung for a week that would be a different story,” Jackson teased but before Jaebum could dignify that with an answer the phone passed to another person.

“Don’t listen to him, hyung, he’s so much worse,” Yugyeom provided with a chuckle, “being with those two is torture now, they’re so aggressively in love, and that much swag in one place is unhealthy. Do you know what he bought Bambam? A yacht!”

It said much about Jackson that Jaebum wasn’t even surprised. He sniggered when he heard Jackson in the distance say ‘what was I supposed to do? He bought me a jacuzzi.’

“I can’t wait for you two to come back. I’m afraid they will end up bankrupt if someone doesn’t rein them in.”

“How could I help?”

It was true that those two would have no measure if they were trying to outdo each other.

“Better than me I think. I was supposed to stop them but Bammie bought me a new pair of shoes to keep quiet, so …”

Jaebum laughed in answer.

“And I really want to kiss you,” Yugyeom said in a softer voice.

“Me too,” Jaebum answered in a whisper, smiling to himself.

“Ah, they’re taking the phone away, bye, Jaebum!” Yugyeom said and he was gone, interrupted by another voice.

“Hyung.”

Jaebum shot up. He didn’t expect him there, and the sudden voice startled him.

“Youngjae,” he answered with surprise, Jinyoung staring at his rigid figure.

“Are you practicing every day, like I told you to?” Youngjae asked without preamble. No ‘how are yous’ then.

“I do,” Jaebum immediately lied.

“Don’t forget about it. I have a new song and I want your help.”

“Sure, I’ll remember. How are you?”

“I’m fine. It’s chaotic here. When are you two coming back?”

“We’re not sure yet.”

“Okay, I hope we will see each other soon. Pass me Jinyoung, please.”

Jaebum did as he was told, biding Youngjae goodbye and going to the kitchen. It was strange to hear them, but Youngjae most of all. He didn’t expect him to spend time with those trouble-makers, although he knew that Youngjae did in fact often meet up with them and, contrary to Jaebum’s first impression of him, he did like to have fun.

He returned to the couch when he heard Jinyoung saying goodbye.

“They seem to miss you a lot,” Jinyoung said with a pleased and amused expression.

“Doesn’t that worry you?” Jaebum answered, taking a sip of his beer, “you always warned me against flirting with them.”

“I only asked you to consider their feelings and not to start anything if you weren’t serious,” Jinyoung countered, “I was there when you told Bambam you loved him, remember? And I saw how you cared for them. I think I had been too suspicious of you.”

“I don’t really take care of them that much.”

“Really?” Jinyoung said, his smile turning devilish, “Is that right, ‘daddy number two?”

Jaebum hid his face in his hands.

“You heard that?”

“No,” Jinyoung answered, “I just asked Bambam what made your face go so red.”

Jaebum was left to wallow in his embarrassment while Jinyoung took the empty cans to the kitchen. Jinyoung was wrong to think that the fact he had feelings for them meant he would not hurt them. If anything, he was afraid his love was like Bambam’s, it made him meaner, made him do things he normally wouldn’t. And Jinyoung had always excluded himself from his warnings when he was the one that should be the most cautious of him.

There were still things he did not know about Jinyoung, things that he found out suddenly and they became an inseparable part of his image in Jaebum’s mind. He did know, distantly, that Jinyoung liked to take photos, but he only found out now how far Jinyoung’s interest in photography went. Their apartment was actually full of photo frames, with Jinyoung’s family, with Mark and Jackson, and there were also some photos of the others, that he knew Jinyoung had taken, but the photo murals and the tasteful black and white photos on the walls, those Jaebum considered to be something that Jinyoung had bought, something professional and expensive. It was strange that it never crossed his mind to ask about them. Now, observing Jinyoung taking photos, he saw the style of it and understood with awe. When he asked about it, Jinyoung said it was a hobby, one he often didn’t practice for a long time, busy with work and surrounded by the same city views every day, and that he used to do it a lot more when he was a student. Now it was apparently more of a holiday occupation.

On Sunday, when Jinyoung’s old boss allowed him a breather, they went on a hunt for pretty views, which took them higher up into the mountains in their loaned Dodge Power Ram. They rode through fields and along the river, and by accident, they ended up by the wrong side of the lake. On the other side, it was more accessible, but from this side, the view was breathtaking, all the greenness mixing with the color of the lake’s water, the weeping willows reaching into its depths. Jinyoung took a lot of photos all around it, Jaebum took some with his phone but then he just stood there, taking it in. That such a place existed made him love the earth he was standing on, love that he forgot sometimes. Only the click of the camera reminded him that he was not alone.

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung said sheepishly when he turned in his direction.

“I don’t mind. Would you like me to pose for you?”

Did it sound too arrogant? He didn’t actually mind having his photos taken, it was like seeing himself from the outside, but differently than a mirror, from a distance and through somebody’s else eyes.

Jinyoung looked startled by the offer but he approved eagerly and asked him to smile. And then he told him to sit on the hood of their pickup and if Jaebum leaned down all the way to rest his back and head on the glass, if he looked straight into the camera and opened his mouth a bit, placing his bent hand over his head in a relaxed manner it wasn’t because he was trying to be seductive. People were supposed to look attractive in photos, he was just doing it to help.

When Jinyoung was satisfied, he rested next to him on the hood, in the cool shadow beneath oak trees. For a moment there was blissful silence and pure calm. But the stillness wasn’t something Jaebum could take for a long time, not when he was with someone else.

“I was wondering-“ Jaebum started and Jinyoung mhhmed in answer, slightly turning his head in Jaebum’s direction, “when Bambam told me he and Yugyeom approached you, but they ended up smitten, or when Jackson said you’re the best when it comes to seduction … how do you do it?”

Jinyoung blinked.

“How do I … seduce people?”

“Yes,” Jaebum said.

“Why are you asking that?” Jinyoung said, bemused.

“I’m curious. And I admire it, in a way.”

“You’re weird,” Jinyoung informed him, his expression deadpan, “I don’t do anything in particular, it’s not a game.”

“No, I know. I know you won’t pursue someone if you’re not serious. It’s just, I’m curious how you manage it. Even if you’re handsome and nice, I think there is something more that gives you an advantage.”

“An advantage?” Jinyoung repeated with a raised brow.

“Yes, like …” Jaebum mused, “I don’t know how to explain it. How did you manage to seduce Bambam for example? Or Yugyeom? Or Jackson?”

“Why do you want to know?” Jinyoung asked, staring at him, “you seem to be getting along just fine without my advice.”

“I don’t want advice,” Jaebum said with a laugh, “I’m just a busy-body, I told you. I’m interested in these kinds of things.”

Jinyoung paused.

“I generally just find out what people need. How I can help them get it.”

Jaebum wasn’t wholly satisfied with this vague reply. When he turned on his side, resting his head on his hand, he tried to look and sound casual, playful, although his heart jumped at the question he asked.

“Okay, let’s do it this way,” he said with a smile, “if I was one of the people you wanted to pick up, what strategy would you use?”

“I don’t –“

“Come on, Jinyoung, be honest,” Jaebum prompted, “I tell you things.”

Jinyoung glanced at him, his expression turning from hesitant to serious, and looked up at the sky between the leaves.

“I would create a safe space for you,” he started, his gaze far away, “make you believe I was someone you could trust. But I wouldn’t always agree with you. You don’t need someone who’d spoil you, just someone to be there, to take care of you sometimes. I would state what I thought clearly and let us fight it out if necessary, let us learn each other, but with security that I would not turn against you no matter how different our stances were,” Jinyoung swallowed, “I would let you display your nurturing instincts, on me and others I trust, let you feel appreciated and provide you with companionship.”

Jaebum closed his eyes slowly with recognition. Of course.

“I’m sorry, Jaebum,” Jinyoung said in a strangled voice.

Jaebum could hear him move. When he opened his eyes, Jinyoung’s head was turned in his direction, his body rigid, his eyes flitting with emotions.

“For what?” he answered, his smile weak.

“I didn’t mean to play on your feelings, I just –“

“Well, that must have been easy,” Jaebum cut in, making his voice harsher just to see the anxiety in Jinyoung’s eyes, “why all the trouble though? I could have been yours right away.”

“Maybe we could have slept together right away, that’s not what I wanted.”

“You don’t want to sleep with me?” Jaebum asked, fake disappointment coming naturally.

Jinyoung made a tortured expression, that almost caused him to finish this charade, but not quite.

“That’s not what I meant, you’re pretending to misunderstand on purpose. What I want is your heart,” Jinyoung proclaimed, embarrassment etched into the lines of his face, “and everything else along with it.”

Jaebum pursed his lips, turning his face away.

“Are you angry at me?”

“No,” Jaebum said with a chuckle, “I’m angry at myself.”

“What for?” Jinyoung asked in a gentle voice.

In one swift move, Jaebum leaned closer to him, both of his hands on the sides of Jinyoung’s face. He marveled at Jinyoung’s spooked expression, at the way he swallowed, looking up at him with suspense.

“For losing,” he said, glancing at Jinyoung’s open mouth, “I’m angry how happy I am about this,” he watched Jinyoung’s eyes widen, “because it means you want me.”

“Of course I do,” Jinyoung’s voice was secure, even though he looked taken aback by their closeness.

This honesty and this softness, it was too much to bear. Jaebum lifted one of his hands to cover Jinyoung’s eyes and then he leaned down, touched his lips softly to Jinyoung’s full ones, causing the other to twitch. When he felt Jinyoung raising to meet them fully, he used the hand across his eyes to push him lightly down.

“Still, you should have said something,” Jaebum whispered, letting his breath ghost over Jinyoung’s lips, “I might have realized I was in love with you sooner.”

Jinyoung took a sharp breath and Jaebum used the second of his hesitance to take his hand away and jump off the car before Jinyoung could catch him. He walked forward, didn’t look back, but he kept his pace level and heard Jinyoung following him. He walked some distance between the trees, drawing them more and more into the forest on the side of the lake. It was darker here in the green depths, cooler. He stopped in front of a wide tree, turned around to rest his back against it. Jinyoung stood frozen for a moment and Jaebum snorted, did he look so scary for the other to be unable to approach him? He tipped his chin and opened his stance, opened his lips in an amused smile, looking straight at Jinyoung.

When the other stepped closer, almost touching, he licked his lips, the line of Jinyoung’s gaze falling there.

“Well, I’m not as good as you,” he proclaimed, his chest and hips drawing forward as he rested his hands behind his back and used it to show off his body, watching Jinyoung’s Adam’s apple bob, “my methods of seduction are more suited for the body than the heart.”

“That’s all right,” Jinyoung informed quietly, his hand going to the side of Jaebum’s face, “you already have my heart.”

It was a sweet touch of their lips, chaste and short. Jaebum almost laughed at it.

“Are we going to kiss like children, Jinyoung?” he challenged and he marveled at Jinyoung’s expression getting less tender.

“Who was the one who kissed me like this first?” he told Jaebum as the hand on his face drew Jaebum forward, guiding him to take Jinyoung’s lower lip between his.

Jaebum wasn’t necessarily one for the build-up, though Mark had taught him to enjoy it more. He let Jinyoung direct the kiss, didn’t use his tongue yet, and just nibbled on Jinyoung’s lip the way the other directed him. Jinyoung wasn’t quite innocent in it, but it was more tender than Jaebum ever kissed, slower too. He moved his hands from behind his back and put them on Jinyoung’s waist.

And suddenly Jinyoung stepped forward, forcing Jaebum back against the tree and his tongue circled Jaebum’s, just to disappear behind his closed mouth again. Jaebum made an amused sound and waited for Jinyoung to do it again, but this time, he moved with him, and Jinyoung didn’t escape as they swirled around each other. He tightened his hands around Jinyoung’s waist and changed the angle, not interrupting the rhythm of their kiss.

The hand on his face was still to some point controlling his movements, and the other of Jinyoung’s hands was on his back, but now it moved down and up again, and Jinyoung picked up the speed, turned this and that way, and Jaebum matched his tempo, feeling it in his ribcage.

He had too much hunger, he understood now what Bambam meant when they kissed for the first time. Want was always the strongest in him, beyond reason, beyond all the sweet and gentle feelings. Animals followed their instinct, ate when they were hungry. He felt like an animal when he ran his hands down Jinyoung’s back to squeeze his round buttocks and bring him closer, swallowing the sounds Jinyoung made.

Nature was like this, wasn’t it? Here, in the forest, against the tree, Jinyoung’s body was against his, pushing into him, and he brought it closer, always closer. He wanted Jinyoung to be an animal too, he wanted to be mated on the soft moss under their feet. Jinyoung was a smart hunter, a sharp predator, what chance did Jaebum have against him from the beginning? He made Jaebum a cozy nest first and now he was his.

But Jinyoung wasn’t like him. Even now he had some semblance of control, over himself, over the situation. And Jaebum was irritated by it, and he disconnected their lips and stared hotly at Jinyoung. The other leaned to his lips again and Jaebum bit him, Jinyoung looking up at him scandalized. Jaebum smiled when he felt his control snapping, Jinyoung’s lips suddenly at his throat biting harshly in retaliation. He didn’t stop his yelp at that, but it was a joyful sound. If Jinyoung could recognize the needs of others he could realize the way Jaebum wanted to play.

He pushed the other back to check it. Jinyoung’s teeth came stronger at his neck, punishing, and his hands became forceful in the way he held him, bruising. Only when he felt Jinyoung’s hips move into him, aroused and seeking, he made his body pliant for a moment, soft under Jinyoung’s ministrations. A trapped victim, giving into the predator.

But it was only a moment, only enough to feel Jinyoung’s hand scratch at the low of his back, beneath his waistband.

“Jinyoung,” he mewled softly, “there are people here.”

He saw them earlier, heard them approaching. They did not see them yet, he didn’t think. He waited until the last moment to prevent Jinyoung when he was already on the edge of being unable to stop.

Jinyoung let go of his neck and glanced up at him. He wasn’t sure if Jinyoung knew he did it on purpose, but he let the man sigh heavily and sag against his body, as he ran a calming hand up and down the nape of Jinyoung’s neck.

“Let’s go,” he said and pulled Jinyoung along.

He wasn’t in a much better state than Jinyoung. It was only the excitement of seeing a glimpse of Jinyoung losing control that made him giddy enough to want to play it. Jinyoung might be a patient hunter, but he wasn’t the only hunter and Jaebum was interested in seeing his patience snap completely.

***

The next day it was raining and it confined Jaebum from going out further than their porch. He took a blanket with him, a book, and made himself cozy on the bench, the soft pitter-patter of drops music-like to the ears. He hardly slept the night, touching the bite mark on his neck, his mind too full of Jinyoung and what happened, so now he dozed off, the book abandoned on his stomach. He thought he heard steps, so he opened his eyes slowly to see a camera before his face. Jinyoung took it down to reveal his focused gaze.

“I’m sorry, you just looked very …”

Jaebum smiled and stretched his body.

“It’s alright. I’ve never been anyone’s model before.”

He could almost feel their thoughts turning in the same direction, to models and artists, and models revealing more of their bodies.

Jinyoung reached to the ground beside the place he was kneeling and gave him a cup of cocoa.

“That’s not going to wake me up,” Jaebum said taking a sip, Jinyoung doing the same from his own cup.

“If you don’t want to wake up, you can go to bed.”

“I want to make dinner first,” Jaebum provided but he was distracted because above Jinyoung’s lips the cup left a little bit of the drink.

It was with a kitten lick that he got it off, not really leaning away from Jinyoung, waiting for the other to move forward. Jinyoung pulled on his lower lip, sucked on it and Jaebum felt it in his gut, and he had to move to rest his hand on Jinyoung’s jaw, he was losing balance. Jinyoung moved a bit up when he captured his lips fully, and Jaebum started getting up into a sitting position, which ended with Jinyoung’s knee resting between his legs on the bench, getting closer to him, kiss by kiss.

His hand went to Jinyoung’s chest and it travelled the length of his body, down to that knee that was getting too close if he was to remain calm.

“Are you hungry, Jinyoung?” Jaebum said, his voice throaty with the lack of breath.

“Starving,” Jinyoung answered, not even trying to pretend he was talking about food.

“Good,” Jaebum said, and before Jinyoung could kiss him again, he pushed on that knee, causing Jinyoung to slide off the bench. He snorted when he saw the other’s expression beneath him on the ground. “I’m going to make us dinner,” he informed, giving Jinyoung his hand to help him stand, while Jinyoung glared at him and took it.

His gaze was still sending thunders at him when he watched Jaebum clattering around the kitchen. He would offer to help Jaebum if he was not irritated at him but Jaebum didn’t mind doing it alone, and it amused him to see Jinyoung so peeved. Jinyoung could really glare, he looked almost like those sociopathic murderers on TV shows, it was really funny. Jaebum just hummed while cutting the ingredients, smiling under his nose.

“I have a favor to ask of you,” Jinyoung spoke up at some point.

Jaebum expected he would ask for Jaebum to stop being difficult, so he was surprised when it was way off the topic.

“I shared the lunchbox you made with my old boss, and now he wants you to cook him a meal.”

Jaebum made Jinyoung food when he went there, even though Jinyoung said it was not necessary because he liked the image of Jinyoung thinking about him when he ate it.

“You want me to go there and cook for him?”

“He wants that. You can decline, I just told him I’d ask because I have to be agreeable to him.”

Well, Jaebum saw no problem with cooking, and possibly with helping Jinyoung obtain what he came here for, but he would lie if he said it wasn’t curiosity that led him to agree.


	16. Today

Jaebum was nervous before meeting Jinyoung’s ex-boss, but it turned out he didn’t have to be. The old man didn’t speak even one word to him when Jinyoung introduced them, just nodded his head slightly and went out to the garden. Jinyoung told him not to mind him and showed him to the kitchen.

It was a cozy, Japanese style house. The rooms were not big, but the house had many of them. The kitchen was thankfully modernly equipped, and Jaebum started preparing Quick-Fried Mutton with Scallions with nobody disturbing him. He heard that the old man liked meat dishes, and Hokkaido had great lamb and mutton. He hand-picked all the ingredients himself before this, so that everything would be perfect.

He did not receive any praise for it from the old man, but he could tell the man was satisfied with the dish. He glanced at him curiously, averting his eyes if the man caught it. Throughout lunch, he said maybe four sentences, and all of them to Jinyoung, concerning the horrible state of his roof and what Jinyoung should do about it.

The only thing he said directly to Jaebum was a dry thank you for the meal and a goodbye, so there was nothing left for him to do but go out, and he roamed the fields, somehow dissatisfied until Jinyoung came back. He was asked if he would go there to cook tomorrow as well because the old man would like it. Of course, Jaebum could not refuse.

For three days, it was similar, just silent appreciation of the meal, not many words spoken between them. Finally, Jaebum decided not to go home after the host bid him goodbye, and instead sneaked around the house, while both of them went outside. He jumped when he heard the man’s voice. He had been staring at a picture of a woman, nothing special about her looks except for that she was in more than one photo here. He thought she must have been the old man’s wife, but there was a photo of her with another man, holding hands.

“Are you spying for the company?” the old man asked him, in Japanese, so Jaebum answered him in the same language.

“No, no, I was just curious. I’m sorry.”

The man looked at him with hard eyes.

“There is nothing to see here.”

Jaebum turned to the picture again.

“Who is she?” he asked, unable to stop himself.

His brow twitched.

“My housekeeper. She is dead.”

Jaebum looked up with surprise. The man’s voice was as uninspired as always but there was emotion in his eyes, and Jaebum softened towards him instantly. He was wary of him, saw him as emotionally distant as his father had been. Now he understood it was not so.

“I’m very sorry.”

“That is what happens to old people,” the man answered with a displeased expression.

“Is that man her husband?”

“He was. He is dead as well,” Jinyoung’s boss turned around to walk away.

“Did you love her?” Jaebum called after him and he jumped when the man looked back at him with a glint in his eye. “It’s just … there are so many photos of her.”

“She was dear to me,” he answered, “she and her husband worked in my house since I was a young man and were the only ones who would not leave. Even my wife couldn’t do that.”

“They were like family?”

To his surprise, the man chuckled.

“That is a good word. She loved to mother me.”

Although Jaebum had a lot more he wanted to ask, the man left him. But on the next day, he was invited yet again, and he continued the talk. To his surprise, the other was answering him.

He had learned that the woman had been from here, that she and her husband planned to move back into this house but did not manage to. That she was the one who taught him Japanese. That she was a great cook and would not let anyone leave her house hungry.

“Wasn’t it your house?” he asked, surprised by the words.

“It was my house by law. But she made it a home.”

Jaebum let down his eyes. Jinyoung was sitting right next to him and he was embarrassed to be talking about this.

“But wasn’t she your employee?”

The old man laughed, startling him.

“You work for Jinyoung. Are you just his employee?”

Jaebum looked up but was unable to answer.

“Can’t employers and employees be friends? Can’t they be a family? Why bring money into it?” the man continued amused, and his words calmed Jaebum a bit. So it didn’t mean what he thought, it wasn’t that visible. “Jinyoung even took you here, you must be invaluable to him.”

“No, I’m just – “

“He is,” Jinyoung spoke up, and he was staring straight at the old man, almost angered.

Jaebum had soon vacated the room to make dessert and calm himself down. He heard steps behind him on the wooden floor, he knew it was Jinyoung, but he was startled all the same when there were hands around him and a face on his shoulder.

“He hates small talk,” Jinyoung told him, “how did you manage to get him to talk so much?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

Jinyoung gave his neck a light kiss that had Jaebum trembling.

“Just to be clear, I didn’t bring you here so that you would charm my boss to reveal his plans.”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“Because I’m here,” Jinyoung said, the lips against his neck forming a smile, “and I wanted to eat with you.”

Jaebum was happy that he was invited into this house. He could not only speak with the old man, but also see Jinyoung at work, with his handyman’s clothes, the bit of the skin of his arms between the material of the shirt and gloves, the way his hair curled, the way he wiped his sweat with his arm like in movies. Jinyoung was hard at work and gave no complaint while he did it, methodically doing whatever was needed and Jaebum was impressed with it. He joined him on the roof once, he wanted to help, but the height made him queasy. Jinyoung had him go down; afraid he would injure himself.

Jaebum walked the garden then, and saw the boss crouched between the flower beds, so he approached him with a smile. He spoke of this and that, the man listening and saying something from time to time, and somehow, they reached the topic of Jinyoung.

“I wanted him to be my successor,” the old man said, surprising Jaebum yet again, “but he did not agree.”

“Why not?”

“Said he liked to have some free time. That he wasn’t destined to give all of himself to work.”

“You must have thought very highly of him.”

“I did. I do,” the man said smiling slightly, “he is unafraid of hard work, even this kind,” the man looked up at Jinyoung on the roof, “he would have been great at whatever he did. And people would listen to him. On the outside, he is all pleasant, a flexible character, but he is very stubborn inside, very set in his ways. His roots are deep, he will not move, but he makes things move around him.”

Jaebum looked up to the roof as well. Jinyoung was striding the ridge, leaning over with a hammer. He looked focused. He also looked incredibly desirable and Jaebum excused himself and went away from the house. He walked forward a long way until he reached the edge of the river.

He needed to cool down. He could do this, he could win with Jinyoung, even with the way he looked. He could be the patient one. But for that, he needed to take a hold of himself, of his heated body and mind.

There were some people in the distance, so he left on his boxers while ridding himself of clothes and stepped into the cool waters of the river. It wasn’t a deep place, reaching only below his chest, but he lowered himself down so that the water enveloped him whole.

Peace of mind was there in the cold water. He was almost rid of images of Jinyoung when he stepped into their house, Jinyoung already returned and washed, his sleeping attire on, cooking dinner.

Jaebum’s hair was still dripping, and Jinyoung immediately took notice, approaching him with worry.

“I was swimming in the river,” Jaebum explained.

“That’s dangerous, Jaebum,” Jinyoung said with furrowed brows, touching the skin of his cheek, “you’re so cold.”

‘Warm me up then,’ he almost said but prevented himself. His eyes might have said it though, because Jinyoung’s expression darkened, his hand travelling from his cheek, down to his chest and squeezing the material of his shirt. He only smiled at Jinyoung’s intense gaze and made a forward movement, rising his chin a bit. That was all the invitation Jinyoung needed to take his lips, walking him back. But before he could push Jaebum against the wall, Jaebum stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“I think I should warm myself with a bath.”

Jinyoung’s eyes became unreadable as he stared at him. But Jinyoung really did know the game.

“Of course,” he said with a smile.

It irritated Jaebum. Couldn’t Jinyoung just hold him there? He moved forward, sucked on Jinyoung’s lip.

“Will you make food for me?” he asked in a heavy breath.

“It will be waiting for you,” Jinyoung answered and let him go, to his great exasperation.

Jinyoung’s patience was really something. Jaebum even came to his room and asked if they could sleep together. And Jinyoung allowed it and they just … slept the whole night. But when Jaebum woke up their bodies were entwined and he decided to just as well use it, peppering kisses over Jinyoung’s face to wake him up. And Jinyoung sure did, repaying him with open-mouthed kisses and hands travelling down his body. There was a point where Jaebum really hated himself for standing up and saying he was going to make breakfast instead of just letting Jinyoung do whatever he pleased. But it was Jinyoung’s fault, he let him go.

Jaebum was aware of how difficult it would be to overcome Jinyoung’s tenacity, but he did not entirely predict how easy it was for Jinyoung to tease him. It was not that they didn’t have moments of random skinship before the kiss, but now it was somehow different. Because he had kept Jinyoung at a distance before, he thought he would have no problem with this. He wanted him, but he had rejected this desire in Korea, he thought he could just as well do it here. The problem was: if he wanted to play Jinyoung into giving in, he had to shorten their distance and, in that way, Jinyoung could also play him better.

There were many subtle ways in which Jinyoung drove him crazy: a hand on Jaebum’s lower back, hugging him from behind in the mornings when he stood up to make coffee, or getting up in his personal space without any reason at all. Jaebum did the same, he touched Jinyoung without explanation, put his hand on his thigh if they sat together, leaned in to smell his hair, and tickle Jinyoung’s cheek with his nose. When they kissed, it was never short and never calm. Jaebum honestly wondered how either of them could stand not going further, but there was something stubborn in their approach to this. Neither of them wanted to be the first to give in completely as if they had something to prove to each other.

So it happened that when Jinyoung had a free day they went sightseeing again, this time to the coast. Jaebum was taken in by the sea, by its sound, its endlessness, by the ships, by grilled fish, by the sand that scorched his feet. They had spent the whole day just travelling from seaside cities to seaside villages. Jinyoung took a ton of photos, some with Jaebum on them. By evening, his legs ached from all the walking, but he didn’t want to leave this place yet. They walked along the sea as the sky darkened. Jaebum marveled at the sound of the waves, at the feel of the water hitting his ankles. Jinyoung was once again teasing him in his tender ways, his hand bumping every so often against Jaebum as they made their way slowly. He bumped back and their hands ended up in each other, and he thought it bizarre that his heart reacted so much to something so small and simple as holding someone’s hand while experiencing a different world.

The ride back was long and slow, Jinyoung careful in the surrounding darkness. There were hardly any cars and the only view the headlight revealed were the trees and the road. Jaebum almost fell asleep but then he started observing Jinyoung. In theory it was a normal view, Jinyoung was just concentrating on driving, stable and upright as always. But Jaebum was stirred by this aspect of him, unsure why. There was a moment of Jinyoung glancing at him and Jaebum’s heart squeezed looking into the deep darkness of his eyes.

Fuck it. He was done. He was going to break this man, tonight, he was going to have him. He leaned forward to look in the glove box and sure enough he found it after a while. He had learned one important thing cleaning Jinyoung’s apartment and it was that there were condoms and small lube bottles to be found everywhere. Jinyoung was nothing if not prepared, he supposed that was what came with having so many lovers.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asked in a hesitant voice.

“Look at the road,” Jaebum replied.

It would not take him long to wake up his senses, he was already excited just from being in the car with Jinyoung, just from his slightly wary expression. He could overgo all those playful steps and pass to what he planned to do right away, and he did, opening the lube bottle and pouring it over his fingers, the other hand undoing the fly of his jeans. Jinyoung would not even see his hand that travelled down, beyond his cock, touching his hole with a start from the cold lube, but the awareness of it was enough. It was an uncomfortable position, so he toed off his shoes to prop one of his feet on the car seat, the other leg extending to rest over the glove box, opening his legs wider and sliding down a bit. It was possible that he did not look very proper.

“Fucking hell, Jaebum. This is dangerous,” Jinyoung contributed as Jaebum put one of his fingers inside with a groan.

He ignored him and continued. He wasted no time at all in adding a second finger, he needed this intensity, an edge of discomfort to go along with the stretch. He also didn’t stop the sounds when he reached his prostate. For a second he even forgot where he was and closed his eyes, just tormenting himself with his fingers. Adding a third finger he keened and the next thing he knew, the car turned to the side and stopped. Jinyoung had ridden into a bit of an open, grassy gap in the forest.

“Why did you stop?” Jaebum asked in a hoarse voice, opening his bleary eyes to see Jinyoung resting his forehead against the wheel.

“Why did I –“ Jinyoung raised his head abruptly, “really, Jaebum?”

“We should ride on, it’s late.”

Jinyoung squeezed his jaw.

“I can’t focus,” he threw out through his teeth, “we’re going to crash like this.”

Jaebum smirked. He had halted the movements inside him, but now he resumed, closing his eyes again. When he opened them, Jinyoung was leaning over him, tension in the line of his shoulders, fire in his eyes.

“Why are you doing this?”

“I just felt like it,” Jaebum answered, biting down on a moan when he hit his prostate again.

“You’re crazy,” Jinyoung informed him, taking his lips aggressively. Jaebum fought with his tongue for a while, but then he used his free hand to push him away.

“Shouldn’t we do that in bed?”

Jinyoung stared at him, scandalized.

“What are you playing at?” Jinyoung’s voice was annoyed beyond measure and Jaebum reveled in it, “this kind of pretended disinterest can pass when we’re just kissing but don’t try to tell me I’m imagining things after you fingered yourself in my car.”

“It’s a loaned car, technically.”

He smiled at another exasperated look thrown his way.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you wanted to wait for a special occasion,” Jaebum started, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “aren’t you the romantic type? The ‘I want your heart, not your body’ guy?”

He watched the change of Jinyoung’s expression with fascination. He didn’t move when there was a hand on his throat, holding him down.

“If you want me to be the bad guy, I will be,” Jinyoung said, getting closer to his lips, “because I’m not letting you get out of this now.”

His lips opened wide over Jaebum’s, forcing him to follow, to let him in. Jaebum could hardly breathe with the way Jinyoung devoured him. But Jinyoung had really miscounted if he thought a hand on his neck could hold him down. While Jinyoung was sucking on his tongue, Jaebum took his hand out of his pants and used it, and his bent leg, to push Jinyoung back to his seat.

Oh, he loved the look on Jinyoung’s face. This was what he wanted, to see Jinyoung preparing for attack, his gaze focused, his body wound tight before he jumped back in his direction. But Jaebum moved at the same time, and he forced them to turn around, pushing Jinyoung to be seated in his place, and keeping him there by sitting astride his lap.

Maybe he did let it go on for too long. He felt so dirty already, his cock leaking, his hole chilled and opened with lube. But he had to kiss Jinyoung first, fight with him still. This time he put his hand on Jinyoung’s throat, and Jinyoung gripped his hair, bringing him closer. Jaebum’s hands were busy with frantically opening Jinyoung’s shirt.

He leaned back to admire the masterpiece that was Jinyoung’s chest, but he had little time to do that, as Jinyoung forced Jaebum’s shirt over his head and kissed him again, slipping his hands inside Jaebum’s trousers to squeeze his ass. Jaebum moaned into his mouth and had to disconnect because of his over-excitement. He didn’t want to come yet, but he knew he had little time if they continued in this way.

He reached down and started unzipping Jinyoung’s trousers, and the other understood and used the hands on his ass to drag Jaebum’s trousers and underwear down. It was a joined effort of two very frantic people, but they managed to put the condom on Jinyoung’s cock.

Jaebum didn’t let Jinyoung move while he sank down on him. Jinyoung might have good control, but he seemed fevered now, and Jaebum preferred to handle the pace with which he was being filled in such a sensitive way. He stopped when it was all in and he felt the pressure that both of their bodies were under, felt the heavy breaths that Jinyoung took. Jinyoung seized his lips messily and the temperature of the place felt like it could explode.

Jinyoung was a good boy, he did not move, straining while Jaebum used this moment to get used to the feel of him. In truth, Jaebum didn’t need that much time, he was used to doing this. It was torturous to stop himself from raising up and falling down. It was worth it to see Jinyoung’s torn expression, trying to be considerate to him and so obviously needing it right at that moment.

“Jaebum,” his voice was so low, Jaebum felt his cock jump at the sound, “please.”

“Begging so soon, Jinyoung?” he asked, swallowing the answer.

How could he withhold it now, when Jinyoung asked so nicely? He finally moved, up and down, and Jinyoung groaned when he fell on him again. Jaebum was not quiet either. He was slow in raising up again, not by choice, but because he couldn’t find the right balance in the small space. As his tempo increased, as they moved together, their legs and hands collided more than once with the inside of the car. This would leave bruises, Jaebum thought with satisfaction.

Jinyoung gripped his body with strong hands. His hold changed; from his ass to his back, chest, nape of his neck, his hair, mouth, cock. Noises were thrown out of him with every intense fall of his hips. They were uncoordinated at times, but there was electricity shooting up his spine all the same.

He was the one in control, he called the shots with the tempo. It changed because the hand that he kept on the window kept slipping, and so he moved it up to the handlebar overhead. Jinyoung took one heated look at it and his grip on Jaebum’s ass tightened. He rose up, forcing Jaebum back.

“Jinyoung, what – ah” he couldn’t say more, this new position had him suspended in a way that had Jinyoung holding their weight. It couldn’t be comfortable for him, but it also made him get so much deeper.

Jaebum could now only react to Jinyoung pushing into him powerfully. And Jinyoung did not spare him, he made sure to do it wonderfully hard. Jaebum had to hold himself up with both hands, and to tighten his legs around Jinyoung to help him a bit, so he could not reach his cock to bring himself off. Neither could Jinyoung, one hand holding the wheel to propel himself better, the other’s nails squeezing his butt on the edge of being painful.

But he didn’t need to touch it. Jaebum knew he could come untouched, it had happened before, and with the way Jinyoung hammered his prostate, it really wasn’t that difficult. He forced the orgasm out of him, staining their overheated bodies. Now, he could focus on tormenting Jinyoung again as Jinyoung’s legs could not stand in this half-bent position any longer, so really, he was doing him a favor when he pushed him back on the seat and proceeded to wring the pleasure out of him as well.

It was almost dawn when they arrived home and they fell into Jinyoung’s bed, spent. But in the morning, Jaebum felt no need to stop himself any further and his hand travelled to wake one part of Jinyoung’s body up. The man could only gasp into his mouth, while Jaebum pulled on him, but Jinyoung got his revenge, his lips going from Jaebum’s mouth to his neck, then nipples, down his stomach to swallow him. Jaebum’s body trembled and Jinyoung had no mercy on him until he got what he wanted.

He would already be two hours in the old boss's house, but instead, they were tangled together, observing each other’s bruises.

“It’s your fault,” Jinyoung accused, pressing against one bruise to make Jaebum take a sharp breath.

“Are you going to pretend you didn’t enjoy it?”

“We could have done it in bed.”

“I wanted it to be unforgettable.”

“Wherever we did it would be unforgettable.”

“Such a romantic,” Jaebum teased, shutting Jinyoung up with a kiss.

It turned into three hours in which Jinyoung should be at the old man’s house.

***

When he told the ex-boss he would like to live in a place like this, away from the city, surrounded by green, he did not mean it as a suggestion. His chopsticks were frozen in the air when he heard the man’s question.

“I would like to hire you.”

Jaebum stared without understanding.

“What are you saying, boss?” Jinyoung demanded.

“I have not eaten this well for quite some time. And I like his company,” the boss said, uncaring for their stunned expressions. “Jaebum had said he would like to live here, that he is tired of the city.”

Jaebum looked in Jinyoung’s direction. As he thought, Jinyoung was trying to hold back his feelings, but he was not quite managing it. He saw the twitch of irritation, but mostly he saw fear in the rigidness of his posture.

“And I will pay you three times what Jinyoung does. Do you want to hear more?”

Jaebum glanced at him and returned to his current boss. Or was it lover now? Was it both?

“Jinyoung?”

“Of course, the choice is yours,” Jinyoung said, though the words sounded heavy and his smile was fake.

Jaebum glared at him. So Jinyoung wasn’t even going to try to convince him to stay, wouldn’t even haggle for the price? Now he understood Jackson when he said he was most hurt when Jinyoung didn’t fight for him.

He sighed. No, he knew what this meant. Jinyoung was thinking about him, giving him the freedom to choose what he thought might be the best option for Jaebum. Jinyoung knew how he felt here.

The truth was that this place was wonderful. The forest, the mountains, the fields, the rivers, they were splendid. Jaebum could see them every day, could experience the seasons changing here. He even liked the old man and their talks. He felt peaceful here, he felt content.

It didn’t hold a candle to what was back home. Not to Jinyoung, or Bambam, Yugyeom, Mark, Jackson, and Youngjae. Even if it was not as pretty in the city, even if there he felt doubt, and he was sure there were problems to come. He could not stay here and hide away in this beautiful village.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke, and he saw Jinyoung’s eyes go down in pain, “I cannot take that offer.”

The old man seemed unsurprised, but Jinyoung started, his expression priceless.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” he told Jinyoung with a smile.

“Well, you look quite decided so I won’t press you,” the boss said, “I will give you the plans, Jinyoung. Go back home and develop the company. And thank you both for providing me with company for a while.”

Jinyoung was quiet on the walk back and at the cottage he didn’t speak much on the topic either. Jaebum only felt his nervousness and his relief at night, when he held Jaebum down strongly, and kissed him with desperation, while he entered his body, looking into Jaebum’s eyes and kissing his face tenderly.

***

Jaebum was answering a text from Mark, telling him they were coming back when he felt Jinyoung sit up behind him to drape himself over his naked back.

“Are you really sure? I know you love it here.”

“Vacation is always nice,” Jaebum answered but this was his only real experience of it. “Besides, you can’t get rid of me this easily.”

“Do you think it would be easy for me?”

“Well, you didn’t propose a raise to keep me.”

Jinyoung kissed down his shoulder.

“Would you like a raise?”

Jaebum laughed.

“No,” he turned to peck Jinyoung’s lips, “I got what I wanted.”

“I have no problem giving it to you again.”

Jinyoung’s hand was going dangerously low under the covers. Jaebum swallowed a moan when Jinyoung’s nails teased the inside of his thigh. He felt Jinyoung’s lips opening over his neck, teeth preparing to bite.

“No, Jinyoung,” he said, drawing away from the reach of those teeth, “this mark won’t heal quickly enough, the others will see it.”

Jinyoung drew him back against his chest and took the phone out of his hand.

“Let them see it.”

Oh no, that would not do. He freed himself quickly and pushed Jinyoung down on the bed, holding him prisoner.

“Oh, it that it, Jinyoung?” he said, licking his lips but not letting Jinyoung kiss him, “you want to show off how amazing you are? Let them see the newest addition to your harem?”

“I don’t have a – “

“Let me show them something then,” Jaebum interrupted and sank his teeth into Jinyoung’s neck instead. Jinyoung held his head down and groaned beautifully.

***

The way back to Korea tired them both and they fell onto the couch, leaving all their luggage on the ground. It felt strange to be back after three weeks, the house felt too quiet, as if it had been paused, awaiting their arrival. But it was home and now they were back.

“I have no strength to move,” Jinyoung said, his eyes closed, his head against the wall.

They were home. Here, the rules were different, and he had to do this quickly to avoid the unnecessary embarrassment of undecidedness for them both.

“I’m going to bed, you should too,” he said, leaning over to kiss Jinyoung. The man’s lips were lazy against his, but he was kissing back, and Jaebum had to stop. He was too exhausted for this now. “Goodnight, Jinyoung,” he told the other with a smile.

He didn’t look back when he went in the direction of his room, only hearing a quiet ‘goodnight’ in answer.

It was better that way. He had his room, his bed, they were here for his use. There was no point going to Jinyoung’s room to just sleep. On vacation it was different, here, they shouldn’t change their habits too much.

Once you started sleeping in someone’s bed, you needed a specific reason not to sleep in someone’s bed, otherwise, it just seemed weird. It would be too strange to change the sleeping arrangement on the weekends and other days when Jinyoung’s bed was occupied by someone else. It was better not to get too used to Jinyoung’s presence at night, not as a regular thing.


	17. One more step forward

If someone had ever told him he would spend his weekend chilling by the pool in a friend’s garden, as if they were in some LA mansion, he would think it was spoken as a joke. Nonetheless, it was exactly the situation he found himself in. It turned out that Bambam had an actual pool further into his garden, covered by a moving contraption and waiting for the summer. In this way, Jaebum had the occasion to spend his time like rich people did and he wasn’t about to complain.

Mark and Jinyoung were supposed to join them later, so right now he was in the company of Jackson, Yugyeom, and Youngjae. Of course, Bambam was here as well, dressed in outrageously short swimming trunks and mixing Strawberry-Lemon Mojitos, because, obviously, there had to be a bar there as well. This mojito ended up spluttered by him inelegantly on himself when Bambam made his toast.

“Congratulations to Jaebum for finally getting into Jinyoung’s bed.”

Yugyeom had to save him from choking by strong taps against his back.

“I told you that in confidence!” he said in-between coughs.

He didn’t actually tell Bambam anything. It was Bambam who came to visit a day after their return from Hokkaido, greeted them by kissing Jinyoung, then kissing Jaebum, and then asking if ‘they finally did it?’ Jaebum assumed it was better to admit it and they could just continue as before.

“And you left a bite mark on his neck to be discreet?” Bambam stated, taking a self-satisfied sip of his drink.

“It didn’t have to be me.”

If Jinyoung saw someone else before Bambam, he could just chalk it up to one of the others. Not one of them asked about it, and Jinyoung covered it with make-up to work.

“We knew it would happen, hyung,” Yugyeom provided, returning with napkins and pressing them against his mojito covered chin.

“When Jinyoung wants to pursue someone seriously he will tell us. He promised it to me and Mark when he started going out with Youngjae,” Jackson explained.

“That only illuminates Jinyoung’s intentions.”

“Dude,” Bambam cut in, exasperated, “do you even know how often you talk about him? I haven’t seen anyone crush on anyone so hard since Jinyoung made me watch Pride and Prejudice.”

Yugyeom sniggered next to him, and Jaebum averted his eyes in embarrassment but it only made them go in a more dreaded direction. From the beginning of this conversation, he tried to avoid Youngjae’s gaze, but the awareness of his presence was prickling the back of his neck. He knew from the beginning that they would find out about him and Jinyoung and it wasn’t exactly that he wanted to hide it. He had a strange pride in seducing Jinyoung, although it was not entirely his doing.

With Bambam and Yugyeom, it was easy, he didn’t feel the need to be embarrassed by them, they already knew his desires. They were familiar with his body, and it made it simpler for him. He was more assured with people he already slept with, less secretive. He could reach out to them, and now he could also reach out to Jinyoung.

Mark and Jackson were more complicated, they were at the point in-between. Mark knew much of his emotions, for Jinyoung, for himself, and for others. Jaebum didn’t exactly hide his desires, but they were not bared to him. Mark was the one who kept him at a certain distance, and Jaebum couldn’t read him well enough to say what he thought. He didn’t know how Mark would take his sleeping with Jinyoung, though he wasn’t worried. Mark liked to talk about them as a whole, he didn’t consider the relationship as limited to two people, but at the same time, he kept a certain level of privacy with everything. Jackson was even more difficult. Jaebum knew something had passed between them, things were on their way to going somewhere but the details were uncertain. He had seen Jackson in a limited way in the beginning, an unserious flirt, but his emotions run deep, he recognized it now. He was half playful, half sensitive. Jaebum could see both of those qualities in him, and he witnessed it more clearly here, with how he was with Bambam, with Yugyeom.

But Youngjae was different, he was the only one who Jaebum couldn’t consider in the way he did others, who was completely out of his reach. He didn’t play their games; he didn’t sleep with anyone except Jinyoung. Thus, Jaebum was the wariest of his reaction. Though the singer seemed pretty unfazed by all this news, Jaebum imagined he must have some sort of opinion.

Mostly, Youngjae’s presence reminded him this was not normal. If he just loved and slept with Jinyoung it would be different. He would be like Youngjae then, but he wasn’t, he couldn’t be once he already started. Although he was very fixated on Jinyoung, and at times he thought the man was the center of his emotions, he realized in the others’ company that it wasn’t quite true. He felt too much love for Bambam, for Yugyeom, to deny his feelings for them. They would not judge him for his feeling going in too many directions when they were the same.

A person who was not like that made him feel his decadence. He could not stop his eyes, nor his desires, when he saw even the playful affections between the problematic trio. When Jackson, dripping from the pool, laid on top of Bambam on the sunbed, the younger trying to throw him off for disturbing his sunbathing, Jaebum observed how their almost naked bodies touched, how the water fell off Jackson to the man below him, on his tan skin, wetting those too short swimming trunks. And Jackson only laughed at being thrown off, it wasn’t even a real seduction on his part, but their bodies this close seemed exciting to Jaebum. And he was more embarrassed about it when he thought Youngjae could have noticed his discomposure.

He was not excluded from their plays and affections, nor was Youngjae. The situation was one where physical contact was expected. When they played in the pool, of course their bodies touched. Youngjae liked to play, and to laugh loudly when he threw Jackson off from the blow-up mattress and got chased in the water. He was quite cute and many of their games were adorable. But not all of it was quite innocent, not when Yugyeom pushed Jaebum against the edge of the pool and demanded a kiss for letting him go, which Jaebum felt too shy to give at the moment, so instead, he caught Yugyeom off balance and pushed him underwater. He did give him that kiss there, but nobody could see it.

There were other immoral things he gained the awareness of, besides this bizarre, polyamorous relationship he somehow found himself in. He felt he had to share his thought with someone about it, so he used the occasion of resting besides Bambam on another sunbed, while the rest still played in the pool.

“Maybe I should look for another job.”

“Do you want another job?” Bambam answered without much interest.

“Isn’t it weird? I mean, Jinyoung pays me to be his housekeeper. I’m basically sleeping with my boss.”

“So? It’s not like you’re the first in existence.”

“Yeah, but –“

“Listen, hyung,” Bambam interrupted, “you don’t want my opinion. You know my opinion – I don’t care. In fact, I think this is exactly why you chose me, because I could care less about some weird moral issues you have about your relationship with Jinyoung. You just want me to validate you and say that it’s fine, and there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.”

Jaebum was startled. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to talk with Bambam about it.

“The truth is – you don’t want a different job, you’re comfortable with being Jinyoung’s housekeeper. If you wanted a job you would have come to me with that and I would make you an assistant cook in one of my restaurants in a blink of an eye, or you’d ask Jackson, or, I don’t know, started looking for a job? Deal with the fact that you’re good where you are now and that you’re sleeping with your boss, or whatever. When the fuck did being opportunistic became such a flaw?”

“But –“

“But what? Do you want me to call the manager and say they will have another worker from Monday? Because I can do that. I know you can cook well, and I know they would be able to teach you quick. You would even earn decent money. But is that what you want?”

Jaebum’s mouth was left open. He had worked much in fast food joints and second-rate restaurants. It was different, but he knew how hard the work was, how it spent all of one’s energy. He liked cooking, but he didn’t like to do it for strangers who would never even see him, nor appreciate him. It was different in the house; it was different when it was for them.

How lazy comfort had made him, to think so unfavorably about working eight, nine hours a day. He was employed, legally, by Jinyoung, and he did what the contract stipulated, but it was not like this. In the beginning, it felt like work, but once he started thinking about Jinyoung’s apartment as his own, it didn’t feel like a job anymore, it just felt like housework. It could be tiring at times, but in the end, it was in his house. It was startling that he did think about it as his home, even though he had no actual claim over it.

Bambam had seen right through him. Disturbingly, it made Jaebum think that maybe the reason he was so afraid of Jinyoung’s love, maybe the reason why he forced it out of his mind, was that he knew that by being with Jinyoung he was more at risk of losing this comfortable lifestyle. Being a friend of the person he worked for was different than being his lover. If they broke it off, Jaebum would have no choice but give up all the luxury and security that he never had before. He couldn’t say with a hundred percent certainty that love was better than easy living, and he was ashamed of himself for it. Realistically, how long could love last? Would it outlast a contract?

“So what? Wanna work for me?” Bambam had moved very close to him while he was lost in thought.

“Wouldn’t I still be sleeping with my boss that way?”

“Yeah, but that boss would be me,” Bambam said, and threw his leg over him to cage him on the sunbed, “and we all know I have no morality, so it wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Bam –“

“In fact, you don’t have to work at the restaurant. You can just work in my house,” Bambam said, his hand travelling down his chest, “or not work. I can treat you _very_ well. You will be comfortable here.”

Jaebum smirked. Bambam wasn’t really joking, but he knew Jaebum wouldn’t agree. He was just teasing.

“What will Jinyoung say when he finds out you tried to steal me away?”

“Fuck Jinyoung.”

“Hey! That’s no way to speak about someone older.”

“Fine,” Bambam rolled his eyes, and he fell down heavier onto him, “I’m sure the two of us could make it up to him.”

“How devious.”

“Jinyoung can be devious. I don’t know why you worry so much about his opinion. He hardly minds if you –“

Jaebum averted his eyes and it must have given him away.

“It’s not Jinyoung’s opinion that you worry about,” Bambam said with realization.

Jaebum’s eyes journeyed around them and he saw the others leaving the pool. He pushed on Bambam’s stomach to put some distance between them but Bambam didn’t budge.

“It’s Youngjae, isn’t it? You looked at him oddly when we talked about Jinyoung and you earlier. But why Youngjae?”

Oh no. Now Bambam was intrigued and he would not let it go. He would push and push until he forced Jaebum into some kind of personal revelation. Jaebum would rather avoid that. He had enough introspection for the time being.

“I care about the general opinion.”

“The general opinion of who?”

“People.”

“What people? Do you even meet up with anyone besides us?”

“You’re being mean.”

“Am I wrong though?” Bambam leaned in closer to his lips, “the only opinion you should care about is of the people you love.”

“So yours?”

“Yes,” Bambam answered, pleased.

“You never said it back.”

“I’m not the mushy type that says this kind of stuff,” Bambam answered with a smile, “I prefer to let my body talk.”

Their lips were almost touching and Jaebum did not have the strength of will to deny Bambam. He was thankful that Yugyeom interrupted it.

“You should listen to the mushy stuff he says when he gets really drunk, hyung,” the man said and Bambam glared at him, taking Yugyeom away.

Jaebum was less thankful to Yugyeom when he was on his way to the house to fetch the grilling supplies and he saw them through the gigantic window. Well, he mostly saw Yugyeom’s back, but the hands that were in his hair and slipping the edge of his swimming trunks off his ass definitely belonged to Bambam. Jaebum, of course, didn’t do the thing a normal person would do and continued watching. With the change of angle, he could see their mouths on each other, their hips moving together. Bambam opened his eyes and completely ignored his presence, slipping the swimming trunks of Yugyeom’s skin even more and opening his mouth wide in a moan when Yugyeom moved to his ear.

“Jaebum,” Jackson’s voice made him jump.

“I just …“ what was he supposed to say? What exactly was he doing?

Jackson looked through the window and grinned.

“Those two have too much energy.”

Jackson had been staying in Bambam’s house a lot since they got together and Yugyeom had always visited at random. It made Jaebum wonder.

“Doesn’t it make you jealous?”

“Jealous?” Jackson snorted, “it makes me really turned on, to be honest.”

Jaebum could imagine, very well, what had been happening in this house when he and Jinyoung were in Hokkaido.

“What about you?” Jackson asked.

He was not just being flirtatious, but at the same time the question was not completely void of it. Jackson’s lips were open, and he was looking into his eyes but there was hesitance of a kind there. An honesty that was more than his usual playfulness. Jaebum gravitated towards him without thinking too much about it.

“Same,” he answered, and Jackson’s eyes lit up.

They were almost touching, the space between them nearly destroyed but Youngjae’s voice broke it, giving Jaebum a heart attack. Everyone tried to kill him with sudden appearances today.

“You guys are taking a really long time –“ Youngjae took one look at them, at Bambam and Yugyeom further away, and he seemed to grasp the situation.

“No, we were just going to –“

Youngjae looked at him strangely and it made him silent. It was almost like a glare, with his furrowed brows.

“Really, nothing is going on here, I –“

It was unexpected when Youngjae took the remaining steps towards them. Jaebum thought he was walking up to him, but at the last moment, he turned his body more to Jackson and drew him in by a hand on his waist. Jaebum’s mind crushed as their lips met. Jackson seemed surprised for a moment, but then he closed his eyes and angled his head, melting into it. Jaebum’s shock at seeing Youngjae kiss someone that was not Jinyoung lasted for the whole time it happened. He couldn’t move even when Youngjae drew back and threw him an intense look.

“You seem to have some sort of misconception here. You don’t need to treat me differently and you don’t need to hide things on my account. I got used to this a long time ago and it doesn’t faze me,” Youngjae’s eye twitched, “I am _not_ an outsider.”

It was a good thing that Mark arrived at that time and Jaebum could save himself from Youngjae’s fiery eyes by calling out to Mark as soon as he noticed. It dissipated the somehow heavy atmosphere when Jackson went to paw at Mark. Jaebum escaped with him, on the pretext of preparing the grill, because only Jinyoung was missing now, it was time to start cooking to make it in time.

He felt easier left alone with Mark. He couldn’t quite stop himself from talking about what happened, without exact details. He didn’t quite understand, it felt as if he offended Youngjae somehow.

“How would you feel if we left you out because you only slept with one of us?” Mark supplied, “Youngjae is probably irritated about it. I told you he was the same part of this as everyone.”

“I don’t leave him out. I just –“

“You just don’t want him to see you. You wouldn’t feel like this with another one of us. You seem fine talking to me about it.”

Jaebum sighed. Navigating other people’s feelings was difficult for him, how was he supposed to know how to act? He approached Mark and laid his forehead on Mark’s shoulder, the other’s arms going around him, immediately comforting. He liked it, this security Mark could give.

“There is always more difficulties at the beginning,” Mark provided with a soft voice, “and there is a certain shifting whenever there’s someone new. It’s still new to you and you are still new to us. Give it time.”

“It’s not that I mind. I just don’t always know what others feel. Or what I feel.”

“It would be boring to know it all,” Mark laughed, “and the beginning is also the most exciting. How are things with Jinyoung?”

“You know about it too?”

“I could see how happy he was when you two returned.”

“So it wasn’t because of the bite mark?”

“Obviously, it was because of the bite mark,” he laughed more, “you staked your claim, don’t act bashful about it now.”

“Did Jinyoung tell you I could have stayed in Hokkaido?”

“What?” Mark’s hand tightened around his waist.

“His old boss proposed to take me on as a housekeeper.”

Mark drew back to look at him.

“But you didn’t agree?”

“No, I didn’t. I know it won’t always be easy. I’ve made my choice.”

Though, at the moment, he missed Hokkaido terribly, he had to say. For the last week, Jinyoung’s house was mostly full of Jaebum being gloomy. Since they returned Jinyoung had spent great amounts of his time and energy on the transformation of the company, and he was needed in the office constantly, he wasn’t even at home most of the day. A couple of times, he ate at the company and returned at a very late hour, looking as if he could sleep standing up. Jaebum didn’t feel it right to tire him out at such a moment, and he was worried about Jinyoung’s health, so he did what he could to look after him and not be in his way. Jinyoung was affectionate but they hardly saw each other between his work and sleep. Mark was involved in Jinyoung’s work, although he was not directly employed by them, he did mobile game testing for their partner company, so he was very busy as well. Jackson always had more energy than a normal person, but he had much work, and even Bambam had more work than usual, returning to manage things after the period of his recovery. Thankfully, Yugyeom had some time to keep him company on the weekdays, but Jaebum didn’t want to stay out of the apartment too much in case Jinyoung returned suddenly and needed him there. Now that it was the weekend, and they were all meeting up, the gloominess left him, but he still had some uneasiness left.

Even today, Jinyoung was at work, though it was a Saturday. He agreed to Bambam’s invitation, but he was obviously very tired when he arrived. Thankfully, they could all recognize it and after he had been fed and asked about this and that, they let him disappear into the house.

Jaebum admired them for it. Now Jinyoung was here, his neediness was slipping out, and he couldn’t stop himself from going to check up on him. He found him asleep in Bambam’s bed, the cats surrounding him.

For a moment, he laid there and watched Jinyoung take calm breaths. He wasn’t sleepy yet, but Jinyoung’s sleeping face was too adorable to leave right away. He didn’t know how to ease Jinyoung’s burdens except cook for him, and clean the house, and wait for him like an abandoned dog at the porch. What could he do? Jinyoung had his own business life that was not a part of his. They all had their own separate lives, perhaps that was the reason Jinyoung’s absence wasn’t as palpable to them. Jaebum only had this, Jinyoung was both his private and professional life. But he still didn’t want to find another job, he didn’t want to be too busy or fatigued to take care of Jinyoung.

He checked Jinyoung’s forehead for temperature, run his finger lightly down his face, and finally left him alone. It was still early evening and the rest had transferred inside the house. He joined Bambam and Jackson in the kitchen to help them carry the alcohol and snacks.

Bambam was the first to retire, he went to sleep alongside Jinyoung. Jackson held out longer, but he was also getting sleepy and vacated the living room. Youngjae just shut down at some point, and Yugyeom half carried him to one of the bedrooms.

In the end, only Mark, Yugyeom, and him remained to drink. The energetic atmosphere from before had evaporated, and there was a tiredness of early morning in all of them, but he did not want to go to sleep. Yugyeom had his head on Jaebum’s lap and he ran his hand through his hair. It was quiet and it made him want to talk about things he worried about on his own in recent days. So he talked about how he felt and how confused he was. He would certainly never say those things sober.

“This will pass. Jinyoung has a lot of work now, but it won’t always be like this,” Mark suggested diplomatically.

“I know, I just … I guess I don’t really know exactly where I belong right now.”

Mark approached him and kissed his cheek.

“You belong with us. What more do you need to know? It’s always more difficult at the beginning. All of us had to get used to the fact that Jinyoung doesn’t belong only to us, and that we have to share his time. But none of us belongs only to Jinyoung either. It’s easier too, believe me.”

“I know. It’s just –“

“You live with him, so it’s harder for you. It’s going to be harder for you. But it’s going to be rewarding as well.”

“Hyung,” Yugyeom called from his lap, “you don’t need to wait up for him all the time. This will only tire you out. Consider staying out with me longer sometimes.”

“But he’s working so much, and his health is –“

“He’s always been like this. Jinyoung knows where his limits are, you don’t need to worry so much about him.”

They talked longer after that, so long in fact, that morning came completely, and Mark started dozing on his shoulder. Even Yugyeom fell asleep at some point. Jaebum was uncomfortable in this position and his throat was dry. Giving up on sleep, he managed to extricate himself from under them and arrange them more comfortably on the couch.

When he went to the kitchen, he was startled to see Youngjae there on the tiles, sitting with curled knees and a head resting against the cabinets. He must have been dozing there, but he opened his eyes when he heard Jaebum come in.

“Are you alright?” Jaebum asked, sinking to the floor to sit in front of him.

Youngjae opened his mouth, scowled, and reached for the water bottle next to him on the floor. Only after few gulps, he answered.

“Just hangover. I came down here for water, but the cold tiles felt nice. I guess I have fallen asleep.”

Jaebum observed his bare feet, and most of his legs, he only had shorts and an undershirt on. It was hot outside, but it couldn’t have been restful.

“How long have you been here?”

“Not sure,” Youngjae said, gulping more water. He had circles under his eyes and his face was puffy, but his gaze was centered, “long enough to hear your talk.”

Jaebum put a hand on his neck awkwardly and laughed weakly.

“I was quite drunk. I said a lot of rubbish.”

“I think Yugyeom was too gentle in telling you what he thought. I think they all are.”

Jaebum furrowed his brows without understanding.

“You spend too much time anxiously worrying about what others will think of you, and worrying about Jinyoung, and waiting for him to come home.”

“What I do with my time is my business,” he cut in but Youngjae didn’t seem fazed by his sharp tone.

“Are you happy like this, Jaebum? Is that what you want to do?”

“And what am I supposed to do? You know, not everyone ends up doing what they love. Most of us pass from day to day thinking hatefully about every hour. I am happy now, for the first time in my life.”

“That’s why you spend most of your time fretting?”

Jaebum stared at him. What was Youngjae’s point? To piss him off? He never before argued with him and he didn’t want to.

“I’m not saying that you should give up the life you have now. Or find another job. But you could put all that energy you give to your anxieties into something else. I could teach you so much if you just –“

“Like what?”

“Composing. Music software. Playing the piano for starters. And singing.”

“You said I’m good at singing.”

“You can be better.”

“What for?” Jaebum laughed.

“You promised to help me.”

“Yes, by singing, because you said our voices sound good together. I don’t need to play the piano or anything else to do that.”

“You’ve been learning the guitar. What is that for?”

“Just for fun.”

“Then I’ll teach you for fun.”

“I’m too old to learn something so complicated. There’s no way I could –“

“I would teach you.”

Youngjae had an intense gaze and Jaebum looked away.

“There is no need for that.”

“Love is not a bad thing. But if you live only off it, it will burn out.”

“What do you know?” Jaebum snapped. He always liked Youngjae for his weirdness, but right now his peculiarity and attitudes only made him angry, “I have nothing. All I have was given to me. I can only depend on Jinyoung, Bambam, Yugyeom. Mark and Jackson. And –“ he stopped himself before adding Youngjae.

“You have yourself.”

He snorted. So nothing then.

“Think about it,” Youngjae said, trying to stand up. Jaebum’s hand went instinctually to help him, “when you’re bored and missing Jinyoung, when you have nothing better to do, come find me. I will keep your mind occupied.”

Jaebum sighed after Youngjae had gone upstairs again. He needed to clear his mind, he didn’t want to sleep but he was sleepy, so he took a shower and wore swimming trunks again. It was calming to walk the short distance to the pool with his feet bare and the sun shining on his naked arms and back. But the peacefulness didn’t last when he heard splashing and laughter. Approaching the pool, he saw Mark and Jackson already in the water. They invited him to join their race. In the end, fun was better than peace.

He saw someone advancing from a distance, but only up close he saw it was Jinyoung. He looked different than yesterday, in trunks and a t-shirt, and after some sleep. Nevertheless, Jaebum asked him how he felt when he managed to drag himself up to kneel at the edge of the pool, Jinyoung lowering himself to his level.

“I’m fine, Jaebum. I’m sorry for making you worry,” Jinyoung said, his smile soft and his hand resting on his cheek, “I’m sorry I had so little time –“

“No, don’t apologize.”

“I want to be with you. It’s only a bit longer, after we organize the company I will return to working from home.”

What was Jinyoung’s fault for working hard? Jaebum had no right to reproach him for it. Jinyoung could probably see how much it bothered him. Jaebum didn’t want to add to his worries, he didn’t want Jinyoung to worry about taking care of him. Even though he often felt so weak as a person, barely able to hold himself together, he wanted to help carry Jinyoung’s burdens.

“Take as long as you need, Jinyoung. You can depend on me. I will keep the house in order,” he said with a smile.

“I know. I can always depend on you.”

Jaebum didn’t care anymore that Jackson and Mark were watching them from the pool, that Bambam and Youngjae have approached them from the house. He leaned forward and kissed Jinyoung, the other immediately kissing him back.

He was not allowed to do it for long. Hands dragged him back into the pool.

“Don’t get cocky, Jaebum,” Jackson joked when Jaebum emerged over the surface, “you just got here. Do you think Jinyoung can’t depend on us?”

“That was an unfair attack,” he told Jackson and Mark, but they only sniggered in answer.

Jinyoung stood up to take off his shirt and jumped into the pool, splashing water on all of them.

“How about a little water fight?” he suggested and motioned for Jaebum to turn around and lower himself, so he could climb onto his back, to fight Jackson who also did the same with Mark. Form the edge of the pool Jaebum could hear Yugyeom arriving to cheer on them and suggest to ‘kill Jackson if they had to.’ For the rest of the Sunday, it was water, and sun, and Jinyoung by his side, and a lot of being teased and wrestled in the pool.

He and Jinyoung were both terribly tired when they returned to the apartment. The lack of sleep the previous night and the water ate all of his energy. He was already going in the direction of his bedroom, but he stopped and came back, his hands going around Jinyoung’s shoulders as he nuzzled against the side of Jinyoung’s head.

“What time do you have to wake up tomorrow?”

“Five.”

It was already a quarter to midnight.

“I can live on four hours of sleep,” Jinyoung suggested, his hand travelling down Jaebum’s body.

“I’m tired too, I want to sleep,” Jaebum answered amused. They had done it a few times since Hokkaido, and Jinyoung ended up even more tired on days following those nights. Jaebum could sleep it off at home, but Jinyoung should be well-rested.

“Okay,” Jinyoung replied with a sigh.

“Will you sleep with me?”

Jinyoung moved him back to look into his eyes and smiled.

“Sure.”

Jinyoung started moving towards his bedroom, pulling Jaebum along, but Jaebum stood his ground, unmoving. When Jinyoung threw him a perplexed gaze he shook his head and pulled Jinyoung instead to his bedroom, to his bed. He was asleep in moments.

When he woke up, Jinyoung was already gone, and the other side of his bed had none of his warmth left. He should have woken up to make Jinyoung something to eat. He must have not heard the alarm. Jaebum raised himself quickly, took a shower, and made breakfast in record timing. By eight he was already standing before Youngjae’s door.

Youngjae opened the door in his pajamas, still bleary from sleep.

“Jaebum?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“I made you breakfast,” he gave Youngjae the container, “put it in a microwave for three minutes and I’ll put on some coffee.”

He walked inside and made for Youngjae’s kitchen without looking back.

“Why?”

“You said to come here if I …” Jaebum stopped himself. Missing Jinyoung right away was just embarrassing, “you said you can teach me. That I am not too old. I came to prove you wrong.”

Youngjae smiled arrogantly but it didn’t matter. Jaebum could let him have his fun, if that was how he wanted to spend his time. Perhaps Youngjae was right and he devoted too much time to worrying. Maybe it would be healthier to be here. Maybe it would be healthier for Jinyoung to sleep in his bed. Maybe if it was not Jinyoung’s bed, Jaebum would not feel the loss so much on the weekends when Jinyoung was with someone else. Maybe he needed to lose some to gain some. Trying it out would only hurt as much as not trying it out.


	18. Eros

Jaebum was actually very good at recognizing physical attraction. Feelings, those could be confusing, but attraction was visible, obvious. Even when people tried to hide it, it would leak out. He knew he was attractive because of it. Well, he had a mirror, he liked how he looked, but he also knew that other people found him pleasing to the eye. It were the eyes that would tell, even if the attraction was impersonal; a fleeting gaze of his high school teacher who would never risk getting fired for him, two girls giggling to each other when they spotted him on the bus, a co-worker that was already happily married but could still tell what she liked.

He knew, right away, that the guys thought him pretty. He thought nothing of it at the beginning, even of Jinyoung’s appreciation. Recognizing someone’s attractiveness didn’t mean anything. He also thought them gorgeous from very early on.

Only Youngjae, when they first met, seemed to look at him and see nothing pretty or interesting. It had changed over time. They spent more and more time together, which gave Jaebum the opportunity to feel Youngjae’s eyes on him. When he looked straight at him, their gazes meeting, Youngjae didn’t seem to focus on his looks, seemed to look past it, into him. It was different from the way he looked at him when Jaebum didn’t meet his eyes. Jaebum could tell Youngjae liked his hands the most. He stared at them on the piano keys, and although Jaebum could assume that was so he could point out all his mistakes, he knew it not to be the truth. But it meant nothing even if Youngjae found him attractive, that was just an observation on his part.

To guess which part of his body was a favourite of Jackson was no wonder at all. Jackson generally was not a person that tried to hide his appreciation of the whole of Jaebum or others. He couldn’t be more obvious about the way his eyes travelled down, especially if Jaebum was wearing a fitted shirt, or a V-neck. Jackson would inevitably stare at his cleavage, touch his chest jokingly if he could, but he lingered too long for it not to get noticed. It was almost funny that day at the pool, the way he seemed to get distracted when he looked down at Jaebum’s naked chest. It was only less funny because Jaebum himself could hardly stop staring at him, at his beautifully crafted figure and extraordinarily pretty, pink nipples. So, while Jackson definitely ogled all of his body, the only real contestant to Jaebum’s chest were his lips. And while it was normal to stare at the lips if you liked the person, Jackson did it to ridiculousness.

Mark seemed to be another great fan of his lips. Especially when Jaebum smiled, Mark’s own lips would curl up and his eyes would go down. He looked adorable like this, like he was thinking about kissing Jaebum soft and slow, the way he liked to. Jaebum sometimes stopped talking when he saw it. The thought of Mark kissing him would overtake his mind. He would use it against the other often, bite on his lip, smile, let his tongue peek out to wet them. It gave him a thrill to see Mark bothered.

Not only eyes could indicate which part of his body was the favourite one. Another great signal was touch. In Bambam’s case, Jaebum could safely say that the younger man liked his ass. He loved touching it, kneading it, even slapping it if he wanted to get Jaebum worked up. Jaebum couldn’t say he minded. He liked being touched and he himself found Bambam incredibly attractive, perhaps the most attractive out of them all. He was certainly the most striking, with his long legs, magnificent build, big lips, and intense eyes. He didn’t mind being appreciated by such a gorgeous man, even if he felt a hand too low on his back at inappropriate moments. Bambam had never discreet but now he seemed to assume Jaebum had come to terms with all of this weirdness after sleeping with Jinyoung. That all was in the open and he did not have to stop himself from touching Jaebum whenever he liked. Bambam was thus the one whose hands got slapped away the most, not that it stopped him. Unfortunately, he had enough insight to know Jaebum liked attention.

Yugyeom’s preferences, he could also guess by touch. Not that he avoided touching him in many places, but the way he put his hand on Jaebum’s thighs, the way he got all excited when he had them around his waist, or on his arms, the way he left kisses on the soft skin to tease him, told Jaebum that it held a special place in his heart. And a touch on a thigh didn’t always need to be sexual, but it was usually intimate. Jaebum had never been great at separating intimacy from sexuality, it wasn’t in his nature. Neither was it in his nature to forbid Yugyeom anything, or not to give in to his desires. He seemed unable to refuse the man. The games he played with Jinyoung in Hokkaido would have never worked on Yugyeom. Jaebum would not be able to tease him when his knees got so unexplainably weak at his touch. Even his smile was enough to make Jaebum melt.

Judging by gazes, by photos, Jinyoung’s favourite part of his were his eyes. ‘Cat-like’ Bambam called them. Certainly, Jinyoung liked to look into his, but then, it was nothing unusual. Eyes were incredibly important for communication. Lovers, poets, they all talked about them, because what better love language was there than gazes? And eyes were usually beautiful, always alive, always something behind them.

But by touch, he would say Jinyoung loved his waist. It wasn’t even a very interesting part of his body, certainly not the most erotic, but he often felt Jinyoung’s fingers land on it, sure and possessive. His hands would sometimes ball up the material of Jaebum’s shirt, raise it a bit. Sometimes, this touch reached deep into his nerves, as it did now when he was straddling Jinyoung’s lap, giving him wet kisses, and Jinyoung helped him keep balance by those sure hands at the place where his waist was the thinnest.

Except for the nights, Jinyoung was still pretty much absent from home most of the time. Recently, Jaebum had spent more time with Youngjae than with him. Youngjae had been right about occupying his mind with something else, it eased the anticipation. Besides, the singer was way too serious about teaching him, he allowed no distraction.

It was unexpected that Jinyoung was in his home office today. Jaebum already had plans to go out with Yugyeom.

“I can call it off,” he said, interrupting their kiss, “Yugyeom will understand.”

“I’m at work anyway. You already cooked dinner; I just have to heat it up. It’s fine, go have fun. I would rather not listen to Yugyeom complain about me ‘corrupting all of your affection.”

Jaebum smirked. He could imagine Yugyeom pout cutely when he complained.

Technically, he was not disturbing Jinyoung. Technically, Jinyoung called him in here for his break. He admits that maybe climbing on Jinyoung’s lap and kissing the life out of him, leaving both of them keyed up wasn’t in the plan. But well, what was he supposed to do, when Jinyoung looked like this? With his glasses, and ruffled hair, and tired but smiling eyes? If anything, it was a trap Jinyoung set for Jaebum when he pushed the chair further from the desk, leaving the space of his lap ideal for sitting down.

“What time is the conference with your boss?” Jaebum asked, his fingers playing with Jinyoung’s ear.

“In about twenty minutes.”

Jaebum smirked. He could make do.

Swivel chairs were perfect if one wanted to sit in someone’s lap, but they were hard to get your legs out from. Jinyoung had to help him up, but Jaebum finally managed to stand before him, only to get down to his knees a moment later.

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung gasped with a warning, “this is my office.”

“Then I will be your secretary,” Jaebum answered, his hands going up Jinyoung’s thighs to part his legs and move closer, “is boss tired? I will make you relax.”

Jinyoung had two secretaries and Jaebum had met both when they were here to pass some papers. Well, actually his secretary had an assistant, but it made no change in Jaebum’s mind. They mostly communicated with Jinyoung through Skype, so he didn’t know them well. He didn’t think Jinyoung had slept with them, mostly because one was a woman, and Jinyoung was too professional to consider things like this. But a little play wouldn’t hurt anybody.

Jinyoung made no real protest. His hand was already in Jaebum’s hair, his legs opening wide, and his back resting against the chair while Jaebum uncovered his cock. It was waiting excitedly for him to have a taste, so he moved forward to lick it. Jinyoung trembled.

Jaebum had no time to tease. That didn’t stop him.

“So,” he said after taking Jinyoung into his mouth, only to immediately go up and free the spit-covered member to fresh air, “is it a good time to talk about my raise?”

Jinyoung looked at him, half-amused, and half exasperated.

“Jaebum,” he said, and pulled on his hair, “be responsible. You made me like this, and I really don’t want to answer my boss with a hard-on.”

“Is that your way of telling me to speed it up? How demanding,” he tutted for good measure.

“It was your idea. I never told you to get on your knees.”

“Okay, I can stop,” he started lifting himself but a strong hand on his shoulder pushed him back down.

He raised his brow at Jinyoung’s neediness.

“You can’t go,” Jinyoung told him, “we were just about to talk about your raise.”

Jaebum snorted. Good, Jinyoung would even play his games if it meant getting what he wanted. He gave the tip of Jinyoung’s cock a kiss before swallowing it. Jinyoung was right, they had to speed it up, so he relaxed around it, and let his movements be quick. He marveled at Jinyoung’s hand that was clenching on the armrest, at the way he arched his back when Jaebum had him at the back of his throat, almost too far for him to be able to take it.

What a beautiful view Jinyoung was. Especially when he opened his eyes and looked down at Jaebum, their gazes meeting and Jinyoung scrunching his brows with desperation, his hands touching Jaebum’s face lovingly, his other hand getting more demanding at the back of his head. Jaebum humored him, letting him set the pace even when it got uncomfortable. Listening to Jinyoung’s moans was enough to make him similarly desperate.

He had enough practice to know he should move back now, Jinyoung was nearing the point of coming. He ignored it, took Jinyoung deeper and swallowed his release, Jinyoung’s shout ringing in his ears, his hips lifting up. Even though it made him cough and his jaw a bit pained, he didn’t regret it when Jinyoung pulled him up for a deep kiss. He was so excited that he almost jumped when he felt Jinyoung’s hand on his crotch, grabbing the outline of him through his jeans.

That was when two sounds pulled them out of it, almost simultaneously. One was a Skype call, another the doorbell.

“Fuck, it’s my boss,” Jinyoung said, zipping up his pants and reaching for headphones.

“It’s probably Yugyeom,” Jaebum added. He possibly didn’t hear his phone vibrating from the other room, “I told him to come on up if he was early.”

With a last look in Jinyoung’s direction, who waved to him and put his boss on, he closed the doors to the office. The doorbell sounded again but Jaebum was calmed to see it was indeed Yugyeom on the other side.

When he opened, he realized calm was perhaps not what he should be. How did he forget that he was painfully hard? How did he forget that whenever Yugyeom took him out, he looked like a young god, not a hair out of its carefully disarrayed structure? He could only swallow when their eyes met and Yugyeom smiled.

“Hyung, sorry, the lecture ended early and the friend I was hitching a ride from was in a hurry. You didn’t pick up your phone so I –“ Yugyeom drifted off, his eyes going down to Jaebum’s lips.

“Is Jinyoung home?” he asked in a deeper voice and Jaebum shivered.

“Yes, he’s on a call with his boss.”

Yugyeom’s lip curled up. The younger man leaned down to kiss him, but the thought of where his mouth had just been made Jaebum turn his head to feel the soft mouth press against his cheek with a smile. God, it was a hundred degrees in here, and to make matters worse, Yugyeom stepped inside, closing the front door behind himself. Closing them inside.

“Your lips are very red,” Yugyeom informed. Jaebum was pretty sure he was red all over, and the observation only made it worse, “and you’re …”

He followed Yugyeom’s eyes going down to his crotch. Fuck, those pants were not doing their job of hiding his excitement.

“I was just –“

“Being naughty with Jinyoung in his work hours?” Yugyeom suggested, his finger pulling on Jaebum’s lower lip.

Jaebum took a step back and Yugyeom followed, holding onto his face. He was forced more and more back. He could feel in Yugyeom’s atmosphere, in his hunched shoulders and sure hold, that he would not let it go with a laugh. Not with the way he pushed forward with every step until Jaebum felt the wall against his back.

“Yugyeom,” he started nervously.

Yugyeom leaned down to his lips again, and this time Jaebum could not stop him. His face was held in place, and the hand he tried to push Yugyeom away with got pressed into the wall next to his head. He forgot sometimes, that Yugyeom was strong, and he had the advantage of both his build and the fact Jaebum was weak to his touch. He felt restrained, and it made him moan into Yugyeom’s mouth while he tasted him, his tongue insistent.

When Yugyeom moved back, Jaebum was struck at the thrilled look he regarded him with.

“Did you suck Jinyoung off while he was on the phone with his boss?” he asked, his voice low.

“No, it just started, I didn’t –“

“Would you have stopped if I didn’t ring the doorbell?”

“Of course. Besides, Jinyoung already –“

He felt Yugyeom’s leg getting closer between his and he had to cover his mouth to disguise his groan.

“But you haven’t,” Yugyeom teased, his leg moving against him, “poor hyung. If I was in Jinyoung’s place, I would have told my boss to go fuck himself, because I had better things to do.”

“You don’t have a job,” Jaebum answered, uncovering his lips for a moment.

Yugyeom immediately used that chance to kiss him again, his leg still moving. In other words, he was making Jaebum into a trembling mess.

“Tell me, hyung,” Yugyeom said between kisses, “do you want me to help you with this?”

Jaebum glared. Yugyeom answered him with a cheeky smile. And then he left Jaebum there. He was barely able to hold himself up against this wall with how clouded his mind was, and he stared at Yugyeom making his way to the cabinet where Jaebum knew Jinyoung kept lube and condoms. He was not the only one who knew it, clearly.

“I have those in my room too, you know,” he informed Yugyeom when he fitted himself back against Jaebum’s body.

“But we’re not going to your room.”

Jaebum stared at him. His head turned in the direction of Jinyoung’s office. Up to this point he had managed to never have sex in the apartment with anyone else but Jinyoung, let alone when Jinyoung was in the apartment, let alone in the open space of their living room. He couldn’t say he never considered it, well, imagined it really, but it had not happened. And Jinyoung was right outside this door. It wasn’t clear how long the conference would take, it could be hours, it could be half an hour. Jinyoung had earphones on, how much could he hear over them? And what if he just went out for a moment to go to the bathroom?

It wasn’t proper that the thought of it made him ecstatic. Yugyeom bumped his nose against Jaebum’s to get his attention back, and Jaebum’s body was quickly losing any resistance. The hands that were supposed to push Yugyeom away, force him to go to his bedroom, or the couch at least, changed to resting on his arms, and his back fell more into the wall.

Yugyeom had a look of childish glee for a moment, but it quickly changed into a more mature look as he leaned again to his lips. This time, Jaebum didn’t even try to fight him. His tongue coaxed him to do whatever he wanted to him.

It was not a comfortable feeling to stand up when someone was fingering you, but the pleasure he felt from Yugyeom’s touches and kisses made up for it. He was already too excited to take it slow, he moved back into his fingers to whimper when they got so deep. Yugyeom’s body was a blessing. Yugyeom’s ideas were a curse.

Jaebum was used to Yugyeom’s hands squeezing the backs of his thighs. As he left Jaebum empty, and Jaebum was trying to unmake the situation by quickly forcing Yugyeom’s pants off, he didn’t expect that when he succeeded, he would be suddenly pushed firmly against the wall, and his leg lifted to curl around Yugyeom’s waist. There was an insisted pressure on his other leg.

“Hold tight, Jaebum,” Yugyeom said.

He fought with Yugyeom’s hold to keep one of his feet in the ground.

“I’m too heavy,” he said, even though his mind seemed to leave him, “you won’t be able to hold me up. Not my whole weight.”

“Let’s see,” Yugyeom said, and used his strength to pull the leg up.

It had thrown Jaebum out of balance, but Yugyeom managed to keep him up by pushing him more against the wall. And Jaebum was less embarrassed and more excited by his legs and arms holding determinedly onto Yugyeom.

“Oh my fucking god,” he managed before his lips were covered by Yugyeom’s.

Their whole bodies were in this kiss, moving against each other, glued to each other to keep the balance. It felt as if Yugyeom’s saliva was alcohol, but the other seemed to be drunk on him as well. His playfulness was gone, now he felt that he answered Jaebum’s aching need to be closer, as close as he could, even before he was inside him.

But when he finally did get inside, Jaebum using his arms and back to help the stability, it felt too much. And even though Yugyeom was going slow, too afraid to send both of them spiraling to the ground, this stretch was different, painful. It wasn’t quite right until Yugyeom heaved him higher up, which was, god, how was he handling his weight? Jaebum was heavy, not as heavy as Yugyeom, but still, he wasn’t a petite girl to be so easy to fuck against the wall.

Then the place was right, but it was too right. He couldn’t stop his groans when Yugyeom moved into him, never fully leaving his inside. Jaebum used his own strength to push himself up on Yugyeom’s arms, but it burned his muscles, and it burned the rim of his insides. It was too much adrenaline, or endorphins, or whatever happened in your brain when you felt so amazing you never wanted to come, just cherish the pleasure.

So he kept his movements slow, but the sensuality of his gradual rising and falling when he was thus filled did nothing at decelerating his release. Especially, when Yugyeom seemed to be unable to hold him in this way any longer. He put one of Jaebum’s legs on the ground, but one he held under the back of his knee, making the spread of them deeper, and Jaebum, allowed in this way to take one hand of Yugyeom’s shoulder, used it to pull on himself until he came with a sob.

He didn’t need to do anything to help Yugyeom come, just the twitching after his release seemed to defeat the younger man. Jaebum whispered sweet words into his hair while he was coming down off his high.

It was a wonder Jinyoung didn’t hear anything, didn’t check on it. Jaebum had forgotten halfway that he was in the apartment, and he laughed when he remembered. Yugyeom stared at him and Jaebum looked at the office door, at which Yugyeom seemed to understand and smirked as well. But then he swallowed Jaebum’s laugh and forced him to the bathroom. They were supposed to shower. It took a little more time than it should.

They were so late to the movie they were supposed to watch, that they ended up watching another movie. Now that Jaebum was satisfied, the hand on his thigh was relaxing instead of teasing. The same couldn’t be said for Yugyeom’s eyes when he took Jaebum’s hand up and kissed it sweetly, His lips were on it too long to be wholly innocent.

***

Jaebum wasn’t supposed to let them cross over. He had thought he could keep all of them in separate relationships, not meeting in points that were sexual. When he looked back to the very beginning when Bambam kissed him, he saw it had never been possible.

But still, it was strange to tell it to Jinyoung. Perhaps it was that Jinyoung was observing him while he was washing his teeth, so it was weird and caught him off guard. Perhaps it was that beer he had with Yugyeom before coming back. Maybe it was because he thought Jinyoung had already figured it out.

“What happened when my boss called? I heard the water running, weren’t you supposed to catch a movie at that time?”

“We were late, so we chose another movie,” Jaebum said after he spat the paste out. After a second he added, “Yugyeom fucked me against the living room wall while you were talking with your boss.”

Jinyoung stared at him, taken aback. Jaebum ignored him, continuing to clean his face until he felt Jinyoung cling to his back. There was a curious feeling against his ass.

“Don’t you have work early tomorrow?” he asked when Jinyoung started roaming his hands over his chest and kissing his neck.

“I do,” Jinyoung answered without stopping, “how did it feel?”

“What? Being fucked by Yugyeom?”

Jinyoung nodded against his neck.

“I’m sure you know how it feels.”

  
“But not how it feels for you.”

Could words describe it? He didn’t think so, he couldn’t say how sex felt, or how love felt.

“I don’t know. It’s a different state of being, like being high or drunk.”

“Does it feel different or the same when you’re with me?”

“How does it feel for you? Different or the same?”

“It feels very different with Yugyeom and with you,” Jinyoung answered and Jaebum could see that.

“You also feel different.”

With Yugyeom, he felt the need to give in. With Jinyoung, he felt the need to fight. He wanted Jinyoung to give in to him, but he didn’t mind surrendering to Yugyeom. He wondered why that was. They were both very dominating and could get forceful the way Jaebum liked.

“Do you fight for dominance with Yugyeom?” Jaebum asked, his hand going up and back to play with Jinyoung’s hair.

“All the time. The kid always wants to win with me in everything,” Jinyoung answered with amusement.

“How did you two even get together?”

“I met him as Bambam’s friend first. I thought he was cute.”

“A bit misleading, isn’t he?” Jaebum said, gasping when he felt Jinyoung push more against him, getting tangibly more eager either by their closeness or the topic.

“He was very quick to prove that cute wasn’t all he was. And he was a tease, that is similar to you.”

“Am I a tease?” Jaebum answered with a grin, pushing back against Jinyoung.

“You’re horrible. And Yugyeom is too. When he danced so close to me and then pretended it was just a friendly touch, I was taken aback. I didn’t know that he and Bambam were trying to set me up, I was trying not to hurt Bambam by getting with his friend.”

“That went well.”

“What could I do? Those two devils had me wrapped around their fingers.”

Jaebum could sympathize with that very well.

Jinyoung was his own kind of devil when he reached to pull Jaebum’s boxers down from his ass.

“Jinyoung, you have –“

“Work in the morning,” Jinyoung said, not stopping, “I know.”

“I don’t want to distract you.”

He had also taken Yugyeom twice today. It’s not that he thought it excessive, but he shouldn’t be so greedy. Not to mention the state of his body tomorrow.

“Too late,” Jinyoung answered, and proceeded to take him apart on their washing machine.

Keeping everything separate and rational wasn’t working out so great. He didn’t mind it very much, somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a great example of what happens when I write drunk, and I am sorry haha...


	19. Mister Fahrenheit

When Yugyeom asked them if they would like to go to the open day at his university, and said it would be fun, Jaebum didn't think the whole university ground would look like some kind of fair. Not even a fair exactly - there was everything here; from food stands to concerts; from serious study groups and people advising high school students which department might be to their thing to lotteries. This was an arts University and it lived up to its name. Jaebum observed the paintings and photos inside and he felt as if he just visited a modern art museum. He even found a small studio of people drawing a nude model. She was tastefully covered with a thin shawl in the right places, thin enough to show her figure well. He was asked to join if he'd like, but drawing did not belong to his interests, so he declined. This was the quiet section of the grounds, and somewhere here, Jinyoung got lost conversing with photography students. Mark and Yugyeom were still by his side, though Bambam, Jackson, and Youngjae were nowhere to be seen.

The large plaza in-between the buildings was filled with tents selling food and Jaebum continued walking with a stick of grilled meat when his nostrils were suddenly filled with the overpowering smell of incense. Turning right he saw a red tent with a woman, looking as if she appeared here straight out from a western movie, a crystal ball, and many other divination tools laid out before her on a table. She smiled at him and he felt compelled to approach her.

“Would you like to hear what the cards want to say to you, Mister?” she said without pushing and Jaebum took a seat on the cushion before her. She smiled again and silently started to distribute cards for him to choose.

He didn’t remember the names of tarot cards, but he saw one of the queens, one with a tower, one with a heart that was pierced with three swords, a king, some more he didn’t recognize.

“What the cards tell me about your past,” the woman started, “is that you were a lost child. Not having the space, you didn’t manage to grow yet into what you are supposed to be. But in your recent past,” she said, touching the card with a king on it, “a man appeared in your life. He may be a father figure, a teacher, someone older or more experienced in life. He had shown you the way to take, and he will always support you. He offers wise guidance. He is a person who is a great husband, a great father, or a great professor, someone with an artistic soul but a level head.”

Jaebum nodded. He didn’t think any of what she said was true. There was too much generic information about the words to believe her, the card could be attributed to anyone.

“Right now, you are at a point where new things start happening. Your life has taken a fortunate turn. But your nature is at war,” she looked at the queen’s card, “from one side you are nurturing, creative, connected to nature, and a calming presence for your partner or children. On the other hand, you are destructive, chaotic, unpredictable. You desire independence. These two warring personalities are the reason why you can’t be completely happy, whatever your situation is. The person you are trying to find is not somebody else, it is you, but the person you are trying to run away from is also you.”

“How troubling,” Mark answered for him ironically, appearing at his side, “do your cards have any advice on how he should deal with his existential crisis?”

“Creation. This is what I see in your future. You can re-create yourself and give a piece of yourself to the world. And the world will give back, in measures you cannot imagine. But for you to become that man, you will have to let go of that which is most dear to you.”

Jaebum’s heart squeezed. It was only a stupid card reading, there was no reason to believe any of it. But the words scared him. Thankfully, Mark laughed it off and so he could smile at it too. He forgot all about it after Yugyeom found them again and started talking with the woman. It turned out she was an acting major, and Jaebum was really impressed how she managed to trick him completely and make herself look so much older with make-up.

They managed to notice Youngjae in the growing crowd and continued on their way with him. There was a murmur and stares around them in this loud section. Only after a moment Jaebum stopped being self-conscious enough to notice that the students around were not looking at him strangely, but at Youngjae at his side. He realized why when between the whispered words he heard 'opera' and 'Choi Youngjae'. Being with Youngjae was natural to him now, he hardly remembered that he had also been awed and intimidated by him once. These were mostly music students, from what Yugyeom told him when they reached a sizeable stage on which a band was setting up their things. No wonder many of them recognized Youngjae. Their eyes followed them even to one of the plastic tables with chairs that were set before the stage. When a youngish man arrived on stage, Jaebum learned that there was a competition going on and so he was drawn into watching different people perform, young and older, good and bad. The atmosphere was one of general enjoyment - more a karaoke than a concert. The band was incredible, he had to admit. No singer really matched their level of technique, until a girl, perhaps younger than high school even, came to the stage. Now, she could really sing. There was quite a crowd around the stage now, and people were listening intently. The next boy was very good as well, and now Jaebum noticed that he and the girl were in the same uniform.

"What do you think of my students?" a female voice asked and Jaebum saw that it belonged to a middle-aged lady that approached them. She looked straight at Youngjae, awaiting the answer.

"Hello, teacher," he greeted, "they're very good."

There was a flock of uniformed kids behind her, whispering and watching Youngjae. Jaebum realized this woman had to be a teacher from Youngjae’s music school.

“Aren’t you afraid they will be influenced by me and leave school?” Youngjae said to the woman, a shadow of humor in his voice, “from what I remember, you weren’t happy about that.”

“I’m a teacher,” she answered, “of course I’m in favor of finishing education first before facing the world. Not everyone can be as lucky as you.”

“I remember you told me I wasn’t ready before I left. And you were right in part, I agree. Technique is important,” Youngjae answered, “but life can teach it better than school. And music is far more than that. Facing the world was what I needed to do to understand music.”

The woman only hmmed in response. One of her students approached them shyly.

“Will you sing today, hyung?” he asked Youngjae, half-awed, how fearful.

“No,” Youngjae answered, his eyes looking straight into Jaebum’s. He knew what the other would say even before the words left his mouth. “My friend will sing today.”

“What?” Jaebum bristled.

“It’s another lesson. You never sang in public, have you?” Youngjae answered, sure of himself.

“Oh, come on, hyung,” Yugyeom said, his arms slinging around Jaebum’s shoulder, “let’s sing together. It’s gonna be fun.”

Jaebum didn’t mind singing. In fact, from all the things Youngjae had him doing; playing piano and using software, this was what came most natural to him. He felt quite confident in his voice after having listened to it a lot in Ars’ songs. It was just that he felt it wasn’t a normal, fun competition. Youngjae was trying to prove something to that teacher, using him to do it.

“Who wants to try next?” the voice from the stage boomed.

His hand was up in the air without his volition and he turned to gape at Mark who forced it there.

“I’ll buy you sushi?” Mark answered, with false apology, “now, go on. Stir this place up a little.”

He could still back out, but now all eyes were on him. He didn’t want to make a spectacle of himself by being afraid to sing, many people tried before and they weren’t singers, he could as well. So he stepped forward, in the confident stride he sometimes saw Jackson walk.

It would have been far easier not to be embarrassed if Youngjae didn’t walk to the stage with him, making people who recognized him watch closely. He sat at the piano unbothered and asked the band if they could play ‘Don’t stop me now’ by Queen.

The song choice was calming, even if his English wasn’t so great. Jaebum knew the lyrics from start to finish because Youngjae had him sing it before. And when Yugyeom came to him holding two microphones, passing him one, and giving him his spiked, leather jacket to wear, he felt better under its weight. Yugyeom's presence was making up for being at the center of everyone’s attention.

“You look stunning, hyung,” Yugyeom said, his smile blinding, “just smile and have fun. They won’t be able to take their eyes off you.”

Jaebum nodded at Youngjae as a sign that he was ready. They had to synchronize well if this was to work; the words and music staring at the same moment.

_Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time …_

Somehow, he started. His voice was strong enough, but his hand was sweating, and he could only look down at the ground.

“Whoo!” he heard and was startled to look up, “you go, JB!”

It was Jackson, his hands around his mouth to amplify the sound. Bambam shook his head in disapproval of Jackson’s antics but mimicked him.

“Yeah, show them what you got!” he shouted.

Jaebum couldn’t help but answer them with a wide smile, and he felt the atmosphere of the crowd changing as he continued singing. When Yugyeom echoed him on ‘don’t stop me now’ he turned to him and saw Yugyeom was moving, jumping to the music, and so he started to dance a little as well. Then, he did not feel any nerves anymore. Maybe they looked a little silly like this, dancing on the stage, but when he looked down at the crowd, they were moving to the music as well. He was overwhelmed with all this energy, especially when people started signing too, beginning with Jackson. Soon the refrain was sung by a choir of voices, and he was signing back at them, answering their words. It felt as if it really was a concert.

When he was done, there was a moment of silence. And then his heart jumped because people started clapping, deafeningly. And next to Bambam and Jackson, Jinyoung was there, clapping and smiling as well. Jaebum laughed to the microphone. This crowd didn’t feel like it was made of strangers anymore, after they sang along with him, so his voice was warm when he thanked them, taking Yugyeom’s hand in his to bow.

***

“So, did I pass your test?”

He could finally talk to Youngjae now, without the others, using the chance of getting some drinks.

“My test?”

“Your lesson.”

Youngjae turned his eyes away, but there were traces of a smirk on his face.

“Yes, you passed. But not the test.”

“What were you trying to prove to that woman anyway? That you’re as good a teacher as her?”

“I wasn’t trying to prove anything to her. It’s her students I wanted to give a chance to listen to you.”

“Why?”

“Because they are taught that technique is the most important thing. But it’s not true. Music is more about what you make the audience feel than how perfect you are,” Youngjae told him, his eyes shining with amusement, “which doesn’t mean I’m going to let you slack on improving your technique.”

Jaebum didn’t ask anymore, why Youngjae sacrificed so much time to teach him things he would never use. The man had said it was to clear his mind of worries, and it had worked, very well in fact. And even if he was nowhere near great on the piano, or trying to compose, it was fun for him. Even Bambam could play some piano, and it was of no actual use to him except for enjoyment. It made Jaebum stop thinking in categories of which skills were practical and which weren’t. If Youngjae took the time to teach him he would learn. Now he could even practice at home because when Bambam heard of his lessons he bought him a keyboard, unprompted. It was generally better to accept his gifts right away, or else he would sulk for days.

“Hey, Freddie Mercury!”

Jaebum turned, along with everyone else, at the shout. It was the drummer girl from the band. He recognized her instantly because of her wholly tattooed arms and her general punk-rock appearance that Jaebum had considered cool from the start. She was going straight to him, keeping eye contact.

She needed to catch her breath, and Jaebum waited. But she did not say anything, just extended a hand with a piece of paper in it.

“This is my number,” she said brightly.

Before Jaebum could take it from her hand, Youngjae took it, reading the number. She looked at him with recognition.

“You’re the guy that played the piano,” she said with a smile, turning to Jaebum again, “you’re called ‘JB’ right?” she said, and Jaebum decided he could be named that just as well. He kind of liked the sound of it. “And you are?” she asked Youngjae again.

“His boyfriend.”

Jaebum almost choked on air. What on earth was Youngjae saying?

“Cool,” she answered and turned to Jaebum again, “my band is playing at Bristles in a week. Would you like to come?”

“I’d … like to?”

“We will think about it,” Youngjae answered and pulled him to the food carts.

“Why did you do that?”

“What?”

“Called yourself my boyfriend.”

From all of them, Youngjae was undoubtedly the one who had no reason to call himself that.

“I was just filling in for Jinyoung. In case the girl was trying to pick you up.”

As if Jinyoung would show jealousy over a phone number from some girl. Jaebum would have been outraged at him if he even tried. But in this case, he didn’t even know how to answer Youngjae, so he remained quiet.

But the thought returned to him when he was laying in bed with Bambam, the other watching something on his phone.

“Do you think Jinyoung would be jealous if I got someone’s number?”

Bambam didn’t even look up at him.

“Nope. And if he was, he would hide it well.”

Jaebum nodded.

“Why? Did someone give you their number?”

“Yes, but … I don’t know, Youngjae behaved strangely.”

Suddenly, Bambam seemed interested.

“Why?”

“He told the girl I was his boyfriend. And when I asked why, he said it was in Jinyoung’s stead.”

Bambam made a thinking grunt.

“Then maybe he’s right and Jinyoung would be jealous.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. Youngjae’s understanding of Jinyoung is on another level, don’t ask me.”

The words stung him because he knew Bambam was right. Youngjae and Jinyoung didn’t need words to understand each other. They had a link that was private, different, and Jaebum tried to ignore the ways it made him feel.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't mind me or take this seriously, just writing for relaxation.


End file.
